School's starting next week (although I unoficially self-declare a one-week holiday, using Raya as an excuse). My post is related to that, even though it is not 100% related. Gah. I thought of not writing it, but I ended up writing it anyway. I think it is better for me to write because I still have one more year to graduation.
In my life so far, there are two people (a boy and a girl) who are not blood-related to me that were very close to me, and yet ended up stabbing me back and front. I lied if I said I don't give two fucks about these. I do. Because these two people were the ones whom I shared almost everything to. I will not write much about the boy because he is definitely out of my life and despite his attempts to get close to me (trying to follow me on Twitter, Instagram etc), I decided not to let him see anything about my current life. Our social circles are totally different so we will not have much chance to meet each other. But I have always wondered how will I react when I meet him someday? Will he be a stranger, or will I be polite enough to say "hi" to him? I do not know.
Digression. Anyway, I was talking about a girl. A girl whom I actually opened up to and shared my warmth with her. A girl whom we shared ups and downs together. A girl who called me a "sister" and who claimed to do everything for my good. I laughed when I recalled back those moments. They were in fact, not real.
In my life, I encountered two-faced people who smiled at you in front and went all friendly with you but bitched about you at the back. I do not really care about them apart from getting pissed for minutes because they are nothing but acquaintances. But for someone whom she claimed as "close friend" and then attempted backstabbing from behind, this actually made me questioned myself whether did she even regard me as a "friend" in the first place.
She had always said how much she cared for me but all I see was contradicting actions. Of how she often tried to down me in front of public and then subsequently bringing herself up, of how she had been selfish so many times to take care of herself and then leave me behind and then expect me to sacrifice for her. Yet I still give her chances after another, simply because she claimed herself to be a "nice girl who cares for her sister". Fine. I gave benefit of doubts.
I was not stupid enough not to know what she had told others behind my back. I knew many others were bitching about me behind my back. Sure, I was not a likeable person. There were many people who disliked me but never had the balls to tell it to my face. Some did though, and thanks to them I made self-reflections and to decide whether to change or not. Most of the time I did not change though because to me, if you don't like me don't show up in front of my face. Easy. Saves my time and energy dealing with people who dislike me. But what I dislike was that someone so close to you who claimed that she cared for you when in actual fact what she did clearly showed signs of hatred. Like I killed her family or something. There was always something against me, and when I was needed I will be used. If you have not liked me or anything, don't bother getting close to me even. Just tell me you hate me and then fuck off.
Why bother being a hypocrite and telling everyone how much you liked me and then stabbed me from behind?
How think your skin is to actually say you are a nice and straightforward person, only for me to find out malicious lies and hidden agendas about you?
How can you survive thinking you are kind-hearted when in actual fact you are not? The difference between a kind person and you is the "publicity". You tend to try to convince people you are being kind, whereas those truly kind ones (of thom I have actually witnessed), were being kind for the sake of being kind without even trying to convince people around them, including me. I have seen how my close friend from secondary school who was actually kind sacrificed her own time to clean up toilet in an asylum without convincing people around her that she was kind (if you read this blog, you know who you are :P). I have seen a friend who was genuinely devoted to helping people in need all the time without considering herself, and she was a year younger than me yet my senior (doubt she reads my blog ehehe). People have eyes and brains. They can see who is being genuine and who is being fake.
I admit, my close friends are not a lot, but at least I can tell when they are being true to me and are genuinely concerned about my doings. Those who genuinely cared for me, I treasured them like my teddy bears, farm animals and pets (funny how I associate my friends with animals =.=). It is more worth living to have a handful of genuine close friends than to have many but fake friends (used to have them; now we lost contact and I don't bother finding them and so do they).
Haha digressing again. Back to main post LAH! I know I am currently not ready to be friendly to her and said "hi", especially when I found out that I was a pawn to leap through her career. I disliked how she stepped on people and used them for her to climb up. And imagine that feeling when someone who claimed to be "close friend" actually had the intention to use you and therefore pretended to change and be nice to you (for someone who does not have a pretty face, she is considered a very good actress if she were to act on TV). I hate how she sees friendship as investment.
I hate how much she holds grudges over smallest things, as if these small things were reason enough to induce so much hatred on me. Take a few vegetables (by accident) makes me a SUPER EVIL DESPICABLE MEAN PERSON. Not teaching her in studies (because she didn't ask) whereas I taught others (because they asked) makes me a DESPICABLY MEAN BITCH. Taking one extra piece of egg makes me a SELFISH EVIL RUDE CRUEL BITCH.
**omg I cannot stop laughing after typing those out**
I hate how much she defends herself in everything she does instead of doing self-reflection on herself, of where she has gone wrong. And I hate whenever she was busted, she would quickly shifted the blame on someone else whom she also called as friends. Hypocrisy and cowardliness.
And I hate how much I have always given her chances and continued letting her into my life, despite being so toxic. I hate how little I love myself to consider her feelings above mine.
But not anymore. I shall not let any toxic person enter my life anymore.
Well for her, congrats for finding a new bunch of friends from your dancing club (I think any person who know me could have guessed who this person is by now). I like how my friends said how fast she found herself new friends, whereas they kept sticking to the same old circle of friends again and again. LOL! Deep, rich sarcasm indeed! Yeah yeah, those new friends of hers have cars to bring her out to play so she can use them all she want zzz...unlike me who have no cars and is currently controlling my alcohol intake which makes me a less interesting person in overall.
It's only one year babeh. One year and off I go.
Okay time to get ice-cream. It's so hot here ><
##UPDATE: Any posts that are derogatory towards her will be deleted. That is the last thing I shall do for her for the sake of our past friendship.
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