Nothing Wrong to be a Shallow Woman

Disclaimer:
Whatever I have typed has no right or wrong. Everything is solely based on my own opinion (well, of course since this is my blog), and any ideas and comments can be shared. Ideas and opinions EXCEPT DEROGATORY comments.

Consider this scenario:
Betty and Martin were high school friends. Betty was a bespectacled girl with braces and is often seen with a ponytail. She is definitely well-known not by her looks, but by her grades and her leadership skills. Betty was the student council president in her school. Sounds like an average-looking girl who is impressive on the inside, huh? Feminists would definitely be happy for Martin to date a girl like Betty. However, it turns out that Martin is attempting to court Felicia instead of Betty. Felicia, a beautiful, five foot seven blonde with slender figure and flawless complexion, is undoubtedly attractive in the eyes of many men. Felicia, other than being beautiful and fashionable, has nothing else being outstanding, unlike Betty. Of course, Martin and Felicia ended up dating, while Betty was biting her lips at the other end.

Feminists will definitely be outraged with Martin's choice. Why pick a girl who is more concerned about Chanel rather than chemistry? A girl like Betty would be a better choice to have a substantial conversation with rather than Felicia. What does she know? She knows nothing about politics. She is ignorant about the knowledge of Obama being the first black president. She does not care why Blue Label tasted better than Red Label. She only knows that cocktail makes her high. But in truth, it is Felicia being so shallow and superficial that makes guys like Martin so attracted to her. And so many girls choose to be like Felicia, rather than Betty.

Okay, those confused feminists will go like, WHY???

Firstly, let me define a shallow woman.

A shallow woman is a woman (of course) who is more concerned about the exterior, of what can be seen above everything else. Looks, wealth and fame. These can be seen, and can be obtained.

A typical shallow woman looks something like this:

Hair done at Alan Salon using L'Oreal products. Sunglasses from Topshop, dress from Zara and belt from MNG. A typical shallow woman normally aim for fashion and brand name onto her body. The more, the better.

The reasons for looking like this:

1) Brings up the status. Well, this society is superficial itself. First impression counts, and to make a very good first impression, you have to look trendy. Imagine going to an interview or meeting a client with a second-hand blouse bought from Sunday market and shoes from streets. Will those people, whom you will meet for the first time think, "Aiya looks doesn't matter one lah. Who knows she is a super intelligent girl with an IQ of 200." No, no, no, they do not think like that at all. To them, if we do not dress to impress them, they will not be convinced that they are impressed themselves. It is all about first impression. I know, why waste money (few hundreds, or even thousands of dollars) just to impress someone?

Which leads to the second point, which is...

2) Self-satisfaction. In layman's terms, vanity lor. Women are vain, and what better way to satisfy their vanity than to look beautiful and fashionable? Don't you dare to disagree that you will have your confidence increased when you look better. That will be a hypocritical statement. Even those messy women with disheveled hair (assuming she has super high confidence in herself) will also feel better once she takes a proper bath and is properly dressed, in proper fashion and brand names.

3) Determining their choices. Have you ever seen women indirectly (or directly for some) showing off their latest nail art, shoes and jewelry? They compare to see whose one was better. Once again, feminists will say what is the point comparing material with empty but monetary values? Lol. I shall say it is for the sake of fulfilling one's security to ensure that those women have good taste. By comparing, they are assured and reaffirmed that they indeed have good taste in beautiful things. You will feel better making right choices right? Making right choices is important. If someone does not know how to choose shoes that complement herself the most, how sure is she that she can find the right man that shows most of her best qualities? Choices made are very important, and how someone makes a choice determines the what kind of life she chooses to have. Make sense?

Yes, it is undeniable that the main reason for shallow women to be so appealing is just for entertainment. People love shallow women because they are so good to look at. Simple. You see those Facebook posts and Instagram photos that garnered many likes? A few of them were real, artistic photography made my professional photographer using DSLR. Most of them were superficial, shallow photos of makeups, nail art, fashion, selfie and beautiful food photos. And one more thing. Partying lifestyle. Everything is so superficial. Yet people love seeing it. People enjoy seeing this kind of lifestyle. People wish they can live like this. Looking beautiful and partying like the world ends tomorrow. Because deep down inside, this is what majority of this world wants. They study like a nerd and earn tons of cash just to be shallow and live like a shallow person. To be rich, beautiful and famous.

No matter at which point of life, everyone wants to live like that. It is only a matter of time when you will start this.

I read Jane Austen's books and my favourite one is Emma, and it has always been Emma. It used to be Pride and Prejudice, but I changed my mind once I read Emma. Anyway, digression aside, Emma too was the typical shallow girl who match made people based on exterior values. She too was attracted with Frank because of looks. Yet at the end of the day, Emma somehow found her way to Knightley, a man who is not her type at all. Lol.

Point is, it is okay to be shallow. Because that is who we are. Do not have to act all deep and intense (unless you are really like that), because that only makes you a hypocrite. Majority of the people in this world are shallow people. Just embrace it, and see where it brings you.

p/s: Shallow is not to be confused with bimbo. Shallow women can be very intelligent as well. It is just that they choose to see life based on exterior values, rather than looking into deeper depth of life. Bimbo, on the other hand, cannot see anything at all because they are unintelligent themselves.

p/s/s: I shall end this blog post with another typical shallow picture of me. Hehe.

Inspired To Make Mistakes

Welcome back, blog. It has been a while. Assignments, exams, exams. I finally have time to watch series, and at the same time I have time to sleep. However, until now, I find no inspiration to write anything. Hence, this blog post serves as my strong attempt to revive my dead blog. I am inspired by the articles I have read about the great escape and also the series "Breaking Bad".

Born in a traditional Chinese family with conservative Asian culture, I have always been taught to avoid making mistakes. Once you have done a mistake, you can no longer be saved. To them, mistakes is like opening a Pandora's box - once you open it, there is no turning back. Ever since small, I was taught to score well in academics and be an achiever in school. I am not exactly a top achiever, but I achieved quite a number of things to be labelled as a good student.

I remembered when I was small, I used to talk a lot and give weirdest ideas and opinions. My opinions however, can be pretty blunt and will offend people. Hence, my family have always taught me not to express my opinions. I am taught to obey, and if I do not, I will be punished for it. I had always try to question to oppose their rules, and as a result, I often get some beatings. Because of that, I have grown up to be non-expressive and always hide my own desires and opinions so as to please others. This is because, I was afraid if I do so, I will be labelled as "mistake".

University life, however, have changed me. I learned to make decisions on my own and express my desire. From there, I actually learned that engineering is not my cup of tea at all and I find no absolute passion in designing, as compared to writing and studying human psychology. I met a few awesome people who actually gave me courage to pursue my own self and finding individuality in myself. How do I do that? By making mistakes, of course.

Mistakes come from choices. Each one of us have choices to make, and every choice has some probability for mistakes to happen. Take me as an example. I could have chosen to study Psychology in Monash, but instead I took the scholarship to study engineering in Curtin. It was definitely a mistake. I have no interest or passion in studying something as dry as calculus and transport phenomena. I sometimes wondered how did I even survive chemical engineering. Things would be different though, if I took psychology, which is my passion. But I have made a mistake, and what can I do? Cry over spilt milk? I made a choice because I thought it was the right thing to do, only to find out that it was a mistake. Getting stuck in an outskirt for 4 years studying a course I dislike sounds very depressing. But, what if we make the mistakes turn into something right instead? Sure, engineering is a depressing degree (not to all, but for me at least), and at most I can only bag a 2nd Upper Hon from it. But, to look at it at a brighter point of view, I can actually make money out of it. And engineering actually sharpens my problem-solving skills. I actually think faster outside the box whenever it comes to solving problems in real-life situation. And engineering actually teaches me to become a bridge between sociology and science. Knowledge is useless unless we apply it. That is what I learned from engineering.

To make mistakes however, one must be daring enough to take a step forward. I find out that most Asians are taught to avoid mistakes so much that most of the time, they often opt for the safest option. I find this rather conflicting with my teammates for Design Project as I argued to do something outstanding, yet they argued back that it is better to opt for the safe side so that the marks can be secured. I had to follow on because it was majority so yeah. However, deep down inside, I would like to be something out of the ordinary, because since I am doing a course which is not my interest at the first place, I might as well do something different, my way, to make the fullest out of it. If not I will be wasting my life forcing myself to do things I do not like, and as if studying the course I do not like is not enough already. I do not regret the decision to play safe though, because at the end of the day, we are only undergraduates who are still learning.

I seriously want to blame the CGPA requirement in companies for making us square students (no offence, but everyone who is like this has to admit this) who follow all the rules and textbooks just to pass. Ironically, I am one of them who do it, because I am afraid to fail and repeat the subjects. I am afraid to get terminated from the university, because I do not have any confidence to outshine other than a university degree. I depend too much on a university degree to determine my future. Then again, this is another mistake that I have done.

I always admire those teenagers in western television on how far they are willing to let go just to pursue their dreams. They leave their homes, they leave their education and they leave their bounds just to make their dreams come true. Becoming a model, an actress, a singer, a photographer, a volunteer, a musician, a cook, an owner of a shop, a mechanic, anything. They may undergo many difficulties along the way, and realized that they have made a wrong choice, which is also a mistake, but what do they get at the end of the day? Experience. Experience can never be bought with money. Experience can never be gotten back with time. That is why going to jail is the worst punishment ever, because it is wasting the time they have to obtain experience.

Making mistakes is what shapes an individual. Because of the mistakes I have done in the past, I am what I am today. Blunt and straightforward, paranoid, calculative, selfish and a coward. Yet, I know I will have soft spot for everything (of which my friends often said I will easily be taken advantage of). I still stick to being who I am, and continue making mistakes, because each mistake leads to an experience which will somehow change my life, if not myself. I am already like this, so my personality will bring me this kind of experience. What if I am daring enough to change myself? Surely the experience will be different right? Should I try? Hehe.

However, making mistakes too can permanently change someone's life, and the person itself. Some mistakes that have been done is too severe that they find no way to turn back. Like murdering someone. Once they started murdering a person, they will be traumatized by the fact that they took away someone's life just like that. Because of that, they began to feel comfortable taking away another person's life. This eventually lead them into becoming a psychotic murderer. This kind of mistake is what no one wants to make. But I believe that the cause of this mistake is always something unwanted and they are being suppressed until they have no more choice left except to make that kind of mistake, to avoid being suppressed.

My religion, which is Christianity, emphasizes on forgiveness. Jesus is willing to die so that all of us are given a second chance to live a clean, sinless life. How? By bearing all of our sins onto His shoulders. But how many second chances can we get in our lives? Sometimes we miss many good things in our life simply because we either let it go, or we made the other choice which is a mistake. That, I am sure is the primary reason why people are so afraid of making mistakes. Because they believe there is no second chances. But imagine most people in this world are willing to forgive, and to give another chance to one another. Surely this place will be a better place to live right? It is sad though that by human nature, majority will abuse the second chance given. Because they know they have the second chance, which in Christianity, is the forgiveness by God through Jesus' sacrifice, hence they began sinning deliberately and then asking for forgiveness at church. This kind of mistake is the worst kind of mistake, because by doing so it causes them to be labelled as hypocrite.

I can go on ranting about mistakes, but I am now feeling famished because it is dinner time, so I shall stop here. Probably I will continue about mistakes in the next post, if I feel like doing so.

p/s: It feels good writing after stopping for a long time :)

Makes me Happy

I am a hopelessly romantic dreamer and I am not easily happy, it seems. Yet at the same time I realized there are many things that can just make me happy. Lol.

Good food makes me happy. That's for sure. I eat anything as long as they are delicious and are not exotic meat. Of course, they must be clean and not diarrhea-guarantee :P

Shopping makes me happy. I love shopping for lovely goods.

Dressing up makes me happy. I like looking pretty. I don't mind going through an extra mile to look prettier than I usually look. That's why I try to look as plain as possible, like a plain Jane, so that when I actually dress up, I will look much prettier than usual.

Spa makes me happy. It feels good to be massaged, pampered and relaxed.

Working hard and then getting the results I expected makes me happy. It feels good to know that my investment pays off.

A warm home makes me happy. Nothing feels better than to find a place to lean back to after a tiring day.

Mother's homecooked food makes me happy. A taste of home is nowhere to be found other than, home.

Jewelries make me happy. I like pretty, shiny things to mix and match with.

Perfumes make me happy. I like smelling lovely scent. And I like to smell like one.

Wine makes me happy. I like the feeling wine to flow into my head.

Coffee makes me happy. A strong coffee with a strong aroma calms me and at the same time excites me. How contradicting can it be?

Flowers make me happy. I like to see beautiful flowers blossoming to become the most beautiful plant ever.

Music makes me happy. Music is the sole purpose of life. Without music, our life will be colourless. I can actually spend hours listening to music only.

Stuffed animals make me happy. The warm, soft thing to cuddle to sleep makes me sleep better. Too bad I have none here.

Hug makes me happy. It feels good to be wrapped around in arms. I feel more assured, safer and warmer.

Kiss makes me happy. It is a beautiful sign of affection, a warm, wet contact with one another to show love.

Driving makes me happy. It actually releases stress along the road. Hehe.

Sleeping makes me happy. I can dream and separate myself from this harsh reality.

I guess that's it for now. I am lazy, Gah. 

Harsh Truth

A friend once said, "Why not you just love him unconditionally without asking for anything in return? Seriously, if you even consider anything, that is no longer unconditional."

I answered, "Why, won't that make the other person awkward, especially when he has NO feelings for you at all?"

I just find the need to type this fucking shit out. Embrace it. This world is selfish on its own. The love unconditionally only exists if the other person also has feelings for you and is willing to accept your love. If the other person does not want to accept, then what is the point? It is like throwing salt into sea water. Pointless and waste of salt. We do not live in fairy tales okay?

Welcome to adulthood. To me, our hypocrisy increases as we grow up. What attracts the other person is in fact, the packaging. People like beautiful, gorgeous women, with some secrets and mystery hidden beneath the pretty face. The deeper they try to dig in, the more it is for them to find out. Like a beautiful gift wrapped in lovely gift wrapper. I am sure no one will be appealed with a present wrapped inside newspaper right? Because that is what I normally do.

I naively believed that as long as I was sincere and be my real self, then everything will be fine. People will eventually accept me for who I am. No, I am wrong. People do take notice of the packaging. There is a reason why every gift is nicely-wrapped. There is a reason why people even sell gift boxes. Packaging is THAT important.

Whoever created the story that as long as you sincerely love someone, someday you will be appreciated is clearly bullshitting. I never see that coming. No.

But look at the bright side lah. At least I am a good friend. I deserve a "best friend" award. Lol.

p/s: I know this post sounds bitter. But it is a reflection of how I felt at that time. So please don't judge or speculate. I appreciate that a lot.

Like What???

This is my first time blogging from my Note 3. I blogged here because my lappie is in my friend's house. And I would like to try blogging from a phone. However, this will be a short post though. At least longer than Twitter la. Haha.

I sometimes wish I can just don't give two fucks about everything. Why, am I causing defamation or something? If yes, come over and sue me la! One girl unhappy I shamed her (kinda but no) so persuaded me to shame him as well to make things even. I admit it is immature of her to do and I did justify but imagine someone bugging you about it like a small kid asking for sweets. Fuck la I was stressed with my own thing so I just did it to shut her up. Only in a group chat, where everyone already knew about it. Not fb. Not even instagram.

It is my fault for not posting with your consent. But try to look at how bad I have done before accussing me for defamation la. Were there any damage done on your reputation? No. Suddenly call me just to scold me, then merajuk and all? Not like I posted a photo of you naked or what. And I got accused as if I have done the biggest mistake in the world!

If that "victim" happens to read this, well this is my blog aka my page so I have the entity to post how I feel. And I think this act is not considered as defamation because no names are mentioned and it is mainly on how I feel. Well unless the victim kantoi la.

I am tired of handling people. Why can't I just be myself freely?

I need some sleep. Seriously. Imagine 24 continuous hours of no sleep tqvm.

SEX LOVE or LOVE SEX? You Decide :)

 ##DISCLAIMER: If you are uncomfortable talking about sex or are below 18, feel free to skip this post. Otherwise, read at your own risk :P

I remembered when I was in my teens, the word "sex" was a taboo word. Anything related to sexuality will immediately be censored in my mouth. Well, I am in an all-girls' convent school, so can't really blame me. I only got the first taste of sexual conversation when I was 18 (conveniently when I became legal, huh?) and I never felt so awkward before in my life. Those terms such as "blowjob" and "doggy-style" sounds innocent and yet dirty at the same time. It is so intriguing that I googled it and ended up blushing after looking at the meaning.

Yes, welcome to this blog post about sex, sex and sex. I was exposed to sexual conversations so much that it now sounds like a normal conversation to me. Not that I am proud of it, but hey, eventually we all (most of us I mean) will end up engaging in sex one day, and some may already do but just keep quiet. I can go on about this sexual post forever but I shall focus on only two things today. Firstly, on the addiction towards sex and whether or not it is love.

To be honest, I do not get the big deal on sex. There are so many people out there that are just addicted to sex. They talk about sex, they crave for sex, they are willing to lose themselves for sex, degrade themselves or sex and they make sex seems like the most valuable satisfaction in this globe. I know I have no say because I do not have any practical experience, but I really do wonder why is it so addictive. Men cheat on their wives because they think with their penis instead of their head. Women complained about how men can be so bad on bed until the men question their own ego. The dominating species are willing to pay to sex the submissive species. Even men had sex with animals. The addiction is scary, if you look at it at the big picture.

Is it the hormone that make people go haywire whenever there is sex involved? If yes, then does it make lust a worse vice as compared to gluttony? I know my biggest craving is food, and I do get cranky if I cannot eat what I crave for. But is sex the same thing as well? Is that why porn exist? I do not object the idea of porn for men to release sexual tension, but I am against the idea of objectifying human beings as sex objects in the name of views. Perhaps that is the reason some movies like to add in unnecessary sex scenes. To increase viewership. Lol. But it is pretty much unnecessary, especially if there is some climax and then suddenly sex scenes come in. Potong stim habis =.= eh seriously if I want to be horny I would have watched porn instead of an action movie right? In the midst of an adrenaline suddenly you see naked couple making out. You will feel the same way as I do right? Unless you are horny 24/7 then I have no comment.

Okay I have enough questioning the sex addiction thing. Let's go to the next topic, which will be interesting in my opinion. Can sex be equated with love, or vice versa, or both? In my humble opinion, sex is a type of bond and connection created between a man and a woman to profess their deep love for each other. As our own body is so sacred and private, the pleasure shall then be shared between those whom we love the most. That's why a man who have sex with a woman without her consent is called rape. This is simply because she does not love that man at all and is not willing to share her body with him. I mean logically thinking, if you love someone you will share every precious thing you have with that someone right? Money, house, and in this case, your own body. This is why a man and a woman who love each other so much having sex is called "making love". Cherishing each other's bodies with love and passion like there is no tomorrow. Lol. That is how I see sex, excuse me *blush*.

Yet, there are so many people in this world who are able to have sex without the love. It is like the addiction I mentioned above. They can just have sex with someone they just met and then with no strings attached afterwards. Is it that they are lonely that they search within sex to fill up their emptiness deep down inside? Or is it they try to find emotional attachment through sex? Either way, my advice for these people is to nourish their own lives first if they want to fill up their lives :) then when their life is fully-nourished, they will realize that they do not need loveless sex to be satisfied. Sex should be preserved for someone special, not merely being exercised as an activity. Lol.

Sex has its ugly side as well, especially the aftermath of it. Sexual victims especially are the saddest case. They are being objectified by men (and in some cases women) to fill up their emptiness and fulfill their perverted satisfaction, leaving them traumatized and ashamed. Trafficked sex slaves are said to have emotional and psychological trauma which may cost them a lifetime. They will feel dirty, worthless and used up. I hope there are more people who can actually help them to get up because their paths are still long. There is a reason why they survived the torture after all, right? ^^

Ask.Love.Give.Receive.

Love is you. Period.

I know this Friday is Design Project Memo 3 submission and here I am blogging about love. I have nothing else better to do than my work? Self-justification: I finished my part and had to wait for my friends' parts before we can proceed to everything else. But it takes me such a long time, hence my mind is flown off to love. Hence, this post.

I have so many questions in mind about love that I want to post all of them here.

How to define love?
How to know when we are in love?
What is the difference between in love and to love?
Is love a matter of choice, or it is beyond control?
Is it possible to fall in love with someone without realizing?
Friendship comes before love, or vice versa?
Love creates happiness, or vice versa?
Is there such thing called "right time to love"?
Should we chase after one love knowing that we will be apart?

That's all for now. Confirm I have more questions than these but nah, lazy to post all.

They say love is a game. Play it right and we will have it. The thing is, I suck totally at playing. Firstly, I do not get hints. I will be totally oblivious towards it until people come to me and tell me. Then I get freaked out. If I like him then good lah. If I don't like him then bad lah. Lol. I do not like the idea of love being a game though. Isn't love supposed to be a genuine thing, which should be given and shared all the time? Why do loving someone has to be a game and then planning strategies, here and there? I honestly tell you (from what I have seen) that love obtained by playing hard and lots of planning will somewhat tires you out. Because you will have to keep thinking of ways to keep the partner. Just give your love naturally and only work on maintaining the love you have. Simplest, yet hardest at the same time. Why?

This is because not everyone is lucky to find someone whom they are able to love and at the same time someone who loves them. Mutual affection. Two people may be able to get together because of understanding, work, friendship, meetings, clubs, activities and religion. But if both are solely together simply because of mutual affection, which makes them want to love each other at the same time, that is like hitting a jackpot. If you have found someone like that, do not let that person go. Love knows no boundaries. I know I sound unrealistic saying so, but at the end of the day, happiness does not depend on reality. It depends on ourselves.

You will eventually know who you will want to spend your rest of your life with. There is something about that person that makes you want to get to know that person more. And when you find out the bad things that person has done, somehow you are able to forgive that person and accept the flaws. You are happy whenever you see that person. No matter how bad your day is, seeing that someone just lifts part of your bad feelings away, if not all. That person will be the last person you think of before going to bed. You will wonder whether that person is doing fine or not. If you are shy, you will not call and ask. But if you are daring, then good lah. It is a beautiful feeling. But it depends whether you are daring enough to open up your heart and receive it. Or give.

Your lover is a partner who shares his/her life with you. Your lover is your best friend who knows you inside out and yet accepts your flaws. Your lover is a giver who will provide you anything so that you will be happy. Your lover is a receiver who expects happiness from you because of the strong love towards you. At the same time, you can be your lover's partner whom you share your life with (family, friends, work life, trouble, success, joy). You can (or if are, even better) be your lover's best friend who will always be there for your lover despite the past and flaws. You can give your lover all your love and make sure he or she can feel it. You can learn to receive your lover's love for you because every lover hopes that his or her love reaches the other half.

Very true.

A friend once told me that same things will keep occurring in my life unless I make changes on it. I know I will have to stop being a coward and to have low confidence on myself. I know I should learn to open up my heart rather than keeping it in a save. Ironically, le ex was the one who told me not to keep my heart into a save. Lol. Maybe it is a sign that I should really have faith in myself and see what my love can do to another person's life. Maybe my love can change someone's life, I never know.

Just love myself and eventually someone who loves me will come along. This I shall believe :)

Because God never fails to shower His love to me, thus sending someone who loves me to me. Amen.

Vulnerability

I write this post mainly for myself , but for those clueless women out there who lack confidence as much as I do, feel free to read this and feel better after that :)

Tulips - signifying perfect love :)

I know in every woman's dream, there will be her other significant half holding her hand and finish up the life journey together. For those feminists who claim that they do not need men in their lives, stop living in denial. Deep down inside, every woman wants to find love to fulfill inner desire, nourishment and emptiness in her soul.

I once believed in that dream that I found the one. Despite being a far cry from my typical man I will have crush on (don't try to guess that type thank you), I believed that I was totally in love and will spend the rest of my life with that man. However, things did not end as pretty as I thought. It turned out pretty ugly, and even though I was already over him, the scars remained. There were little things that triggered the sweet memories, which will be followed by the bitter memories, which came with the betrayal. If you are curious, he is currently happy with his girlfriend, but at the same time dwelt over me. No, not really healthy here.

It is not easy for me to type all these. I made a mistake. The thing that stopped me from walking forward was that I was unable to get up totally from the mistake I had made after so long. Three years. I had friends asking me why am I still single and all (even my mother). They thought I was not over him. Wrong. I am over him, and even if one day he came to me and asked me back, I will not go back anymore. But it is the fact that I could not get rid of the scars that stopped me from stepping forward. The fear of making the same mistake with the next man. The fear of not being able to give as much love to the next man after giving so much to the previous one. The fear of betrayal. The fear of him judging me for what I did. The fear of him unable to accept me after knowing more of me. The fear of losing myself on the way so as to please him.

Most important of all, the fear of not being good enough for him. I am not beautiful and definitely far from being gentle. I am extremely emotional, which is the total opposite of a logical and practical typical man. And at the same time, I will always need some space for myself, and I am afraid I am unable to allocate space for him all the time. I am very selfish, and if he has to put up to my selfishness all my life, we will end up quarreling and that will eventually destroy our relationship.

Holding hands is the very first step of relationships, not kisses or caresses other parts of the body

My friend said that if I were unable to get up after so long, I will need a helping hand from a Good Samaritan so that I can have faith in myself, in relationships and in love again. Thing is, it is not easy to find that Good Samaritan who will lend a helping and loving hand. I know there are many guys who go over to you and tell you they fall in love with you or like you a lot without knowing who you truly are. They like you for the looks and how you portray yourself to be. They are unable to see your inner self because they are too blinded with your appearance. What happens if they see your inner, broken self? Will they truly understand your feeling? Or they can pretend to understand your feeling just to have you, and once they do, they do not care any longer? Or they are just simply...lonely? Desperate? No, Good Samaritans are not easy to find.

A Good Samaritan is a guy who is able to penetrate into my inner self, sees them and yet still accepts me for who I am. He will be the one who genuinely understands my pain and sorrow, so the best bet for this Good Samaritan is someone who went through the same pain as I did. Someone who understands the feeling of lost love, of faith that has faded and hope as high as mountains practically vanished in matter of seconds. If a guy loves me but do not understands my pain, he will keep telling me to move on, move on, quit being stupid, why not see the one in front of you and then gets jealous for no reason. Then we will start quarreling. Make sense? And the only person who can gets you out of the fire must be the one who survived the fire itself, because he is the only one who knows how to get out of the fire. But I guess finding this kind of guy is like finding pea in grains of rice, huh?

I am a messed up individual to the fact that I doubt myself sometimes. I know people have always say that for someone to love you I must learn to love myself first. I am loving myself. But the thing is, there are things which I cannot do on my own. I am not strong enough to get up fully, even after so long. I do not have a high confidence, of which most of my friends get irritated with hehe. But at the same time, I have high ego. See how complex and messed up I am? A guy who can handle this complex personality and thoughts of mine is truly a Good Samaritan, which I think is rather difficult to even find, let alone come to me.

But even though things are difficult, I should not lose faith and hope, like what my friends said. Once I give up on myself, that's it. My friends have not given up on me, so why should I give up on myself? I have love myself more for knowing how to prioritize things better now, rather than being more of a people pleaser. I appreciate my friends who have always root for me and cherish me. They are the ones who dare to tell me where my flaws are so that I can improve myself better. To be a better person so that I will live a better life. To be a better person so that I can be more worthy of the Good Samaritan who will hold my hand someday.

I have learned to appreciate myself more than before. Even though I am not beautiful, I can always dress up nicely and look at my very best. This, to boost up confidence. At least I try my best looking my best. I am not gentle, but I am funny at the same time. I make people around me laugh for my quirky antics. My annoying loud voice somehow creates a happening atmosphere. I cherish these gifts of mine which brings others to joy. Although my blunt remarks are somewhat painful, people who truly understand me and care for me will know that my remarks mean no harm, and are more to letting them know what exactly happen. I have this knack for knowing what people think and seeing through most people's personality. It is scarily accurate, yet most of the time I often overlook them. Hahaha. How I see myself can sometimes be correct or wrong, no?

There is a saying which goes," Birds of the same feather flock together". In layman's terms, you attract what you are. So if you want to be with someone you want, firstly improve yourself to be like him/her. Not changing who you are, but try to take up his/her good qualities. But most importantly, accept who you are first. Everything comes after that :)

p/s: For girls who lose faith in themselves, look at the mirror and list out the good things you have. If you cannot find it, drag your close friends and ask them to list them out for you. Along the way you will somehow be able to list them out yourselves ^^ 

One of Those Days...

"Sometimes, it's not the most catastrophic misfortune that makes us collapse, but rather, the collection of little things happened altogether." - Jessie Tan, 2013. Hehehe. 

If you had a good day today, please do not read this because it is full of depressing feelings being jumbled up altogether here. It may be the fact that I am stressing with Design Project lately, hence this post. 

There were the times when I actually looked back upon my life so far and honestly speaking, about 70% of my time (until today) were not lived the way I really want. I always tried my best to make others happy, forgetting that I need to be happy as well. This often happens until when I finally realized I do not get what I want and I end up getting what I do not want, I will then let loose and blame the world for being unfair. Sometimes I may not know what I want, but there are times when I know what I want and yet I know I can never live that life. For example, experiencing the life as a university student in a foreign country while trying my best to adapt to cultural and surrounding's shock. I can never live that life again no matter how many times I wish for it. 

I lost myself and succumbed to peer pressure, mental pressure and family needs. I spent so much time making people around me smile until I will forget how to smile for myself. I will spend so much time doing some task until I forget to eat and when I finally realized, that is when I collapse. But I cannot blame anyone but myself, because this is the choice I made. Because I feel my worth only when I can make someone happy. Because when others make me happy, I will tend to feel obliged to make them happier than myself. Only then I will be even happier. But I will get exhausted in the process. This is because I am only a normal human being who will also have my own selfish needs. I am no saint, as we all can see. I too have my own desires and needs. Then when I finally remembered how to be selfish, I will then get frustrated on why the hell did I forget how to make myself happy. From there, I will then start hating myself for making myself so worthless. Then it goes on and on. Unending complexity. 

Is it the fact that I do not know what I truly want in my life yet?

Is it the fact that I am not satisfied with what I have, and perhaps greedy enough to ask for more? 

Or is it the fact that I know what I want deep down inside, but at the same time I am resisting it because of my responsibility I have to bear all my life? 

Seriously, I often wonder to myself. Am I truly happy? 

Only God knows. And I hope He will give me what's best for me. Because only He knows what is the best for me, probably some time before I finally realize what is actually best for me. Hey, it often happens. Lol. 

Had a good time ranting :) I feel better now.

Of Miri, Design Project and 宅女

To be honest, this post does not serve any purpose except for any update, in case someone who reads my blog thinks I am dead or something. Lol. I don't blog regularly because this is, after all, something to be done only when I feel like it. So one cannot expect me to blog all the time. Ah yes, this blog is written from Miri by the way. I am back in Miri, and I have yet to see anyone except for my fellow housemates. Lol.

Arrived Miri, unpacked, napped, had dinner, and then switched on laptop. Surfing the net, watching videos, reading articles, and then it came to a realization that I HAVE NOT PROPERLY STARTED DESIGN PROJECT. OMG I AM ONE WEEK LATE AND I AM SO CLUELESS AND I AM IN A DILEMMA AT THE SAME TIME AND HERE I AM CONTEMPLATING WITH MYSELF WHETHER TO ASK LECTURER OR NOT. HAIYAH. Okay rant done. Got the most reputable lecturer who is known for being anal and professional at the same time as my advisor for design project. Lol. Seriously, sometimes I wonder whether the unit coordinator for DP is Hokkien. Design Project 499 = Design Project See Kao Kao. Lol. My mind is not in my best shape lol. And why am I even writing this?

It is Saturday night and I am at home in front of laptop. Sounds so 宅女, huh? I somehow miss my 宅女 life. Back home, I seldom get the chance to actually laze on the bed. I always get called to go out by friends and my family, and if I say no, they will persuade me and make sure I say yes. It's like NO YOU DON'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME DO YOU NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE? How to not go? :( I keep going out and spend money like water. Being a 宅女 is better in such a way that I can actually save money. Lol that's my main concern, as I have KK trip to look forward to and I still have to change my phone. My current phone is going crazy and it will die anytime soon. Funny thing is, people will laugh whenever I tell them I prefer being a 宅女 =.=

Soon, there will be no 宅女 life. I will spend most of the time in lab doing the dreaded DP and will complain, complain and in the end cry. Lol.

Secrets to Skin Care (My Unorthodox Method)

Skin care products. I bet most of the women will spend minimum of 10% of their monthly wages on their skin. They either go to facial salon, or buy tons of skincare products. 9 out of 10 does that. I, on the other hand, belong to the minority. I am a lazy person when it comes to regular skincare. That explains why my skincare that I bought lasted me for years! In fact, I even consider skincare routine a waste of time, particularly when I am stressed. The only must-have skincare I have is a lip balm, because my lips get dry easily when the weather is very hot. Oh ya, not to forget the sun lotion, because UV rays are harmful. BB cream too is essential for face and neck for protection against harsh environment.

One vital way of skin care is what we take for our body on the inside, that is for sure. I, however, do not take supplements and medicines for skin care. That is not only costly for someone impoverished like me, but is also a waste of money. I can buy myself lots of meals with that amount of money!

Wasting no time, here is what I normally take that I believe gives me great skin care. I am not exactly sure about how they benefit to our skin, but I will not post this if not because of the research done. And to be honest, I only find out its benefit recently after I searched from the internet.

1) Fish
I love fish! Its meat is smooth and it is healthy. It too, is a non-fattening type of meat. Between meat and fish, I would definitely go for fish <3>
Here is the link of the fish benefits. Lazy to rewrite. Fish oil too is good for skin. The Omega-3 and 6 in the fish oil are the anti-aging elements for our skin. Take that, and we will not grow old so soon.
2) Pork (fatty ones)
Pork is undeniably one of my favourite meat. To me, chicken is the safe meat, while pork is the risky meat. Chicken can be cooked in any way, but pork, if properly cooked, definitely reigns supreme! I have long known that the pork fat contains collagen, which prolongs youth. This explains why I look 18 when I am 23 this year! Okay, perasan-ness aside, here is the link as a proof! Here too is one of my favourite parts of pork which contains COLLAGEN.

3) Milk
I have been drinking milk on the day I was born until today. Even today, I still drink milk like a little kid. I heard of this myth saying that drinking lots of milk make you as fair as milk. It is true. Not only that, it also moisturizes skin with some protein, and at the same time giving it some glow. Best magic potion for skin? Milk LAH. Anyways, here is the link, of which I am lazy to retype here. If you are lactose intolerant, the alternative is that you bath with milk. It works. But of course, nothing beats taking something inside your body which will last longer than having it directly contacted with skin, which will not be totally absorbed into your skin.

4) Eggs
From poached eggs to scrambled eggs, I love them all. The only egg which I will not eat is century egg, because its texture is so rubbery (weird Chinese). In most of my cooking, I will put egg in everything. My peers are well-informed that I love eggs, and I must have eggs whenever possible. Between pork and eggs, I will go for eggs. I am serious. Anyway, rants aside, here is the link.

5) Water
I do not need any proof to show that water is beneficial for skin. Common sense, we drink lots of water, we get rid of the toxins in our body (including the skin), thus getting cleaner, healthier skin. Cleaner skin = less acne. Besides, lack of water in our body means lack of moisture, and many women out there spent hundreds on moisturizers which need to be applied outside the skin, when we can actually drink water into our body to replenish moisture in our skin! Water is damn cheap, if not free. I guess if every woman thinks like me, the beauty product companies will go bankrupt =.=

6) Ribena and fruit juice
The things that Ribena and fruit juice have in common is Vitamin C. Vitamin C is well-known for its antioxidant properties, clearing of complexion and aiding the production of collagen. I don't think I need to elaborate how Vitamin C is so beneficial to our skin, so I will enclose it with a link here. But one thing for sure is that, Vitamin C is a water-soluble vitamin, so if we use skin care products that contain Vitamin C, it may not be absorbed that easily into our skin. What better ways of getting Vitamin C absorbed than to constantly take it? And nothing beats natural sources of Vitamin C (Ribena is made of blackcurrant juice, which contains Vitamin C, so yeah).

Apart from all these, my food intake is usually unhealthy food. But, but, but, but, I will make sure I take CLEAN food when I return to Miri. I will cook and practice clean eating, and work out. Not to lose weight, but for my health. Healthy life = happy body :D

p/s: If there is any missing information regarding the skin benefits from the food mentioned above, please let me know. Thank you very much!

Crystal Clear Point

After the "letting-out" post that I had published few days ago, suddenly my blog had so many views. This society is seriously ill. I posted my thoughts and views and I personally thought they were good posts, yet these posts do not gain as much views as that particular post. I guess that's why Xiaxue's blog has been so popular (to be honest I enjoyed reading her post about bashing someone as well brohohohoho).

I know there are several critics that have gathered among readers who did not witness things between us:

1) I am so shameless and cruel. Post such stuff to badmouth others on my page wor! It is public domain after all, if people read and then hate someone then how?

2) I am so immature to post such personal stuff on my public blog. Why can't I just keep it to private? Have I not thought of the other person's feelings (and reputation in my humble opinion)?

I cannot please everyone in this world, and pleasing myself is my main priority, hence, I WILL NOT DELETE THAT BLOG POST. That post is meant for me to act as a reminder not to accept any toxic people in my life. There are some toxic people whom I cannot avoid, but if there are ones whom I can cut off, I am actually doing myself a big favour. I am the type of person that let people step on me so that they will feel happy, and I find that ridiculously cruel to myself, even to the point that it has taken its toll to my body. I accept too many toxic from toxic people that I am starting to get toxic inside my body as well. I can never avoid the ones that are blood-related because blood is thicker than water. But if they are not blood-related to me and I find myself not obliged to sacrifice for their goodwill, why not cut them off completely?

Now cutting off is the hard part, especially when they have been part of your life for some time. The reason why I used to linger with my ex for quite some time was because I could not cut him off completely. Because of that, I suffered a great deal emotionally and spiritually. Cutting off is like removing a part of your body that has been affected with tumour. It hurts, but it heals. More importantly, it requires courage for the surgery. And that blog post acts as my milestone to remind myself not to accept any toxic people that will do me harm.

Therefore, I am here to tell those readers who have read that blog post (that's A LOT WEH; sick society I shall repeat) that all the hurtful things that she did to me does not affect anyone else. You do not know her, so you do not have the right to judge her. That blog post was entirely about me and how I felt about her. That was why I put that title of not mentioning anything if there is nothing nice to say is because I do not want any negative comments about anyone, me or her. As much as I dislike her and regard her as toxic, I do not hope that people will start judging her because of one post. One man's meat is another man's poison. (Well, unless those who read my blog have seen the scenes and truly know what was going on, then different story altogether la :P)

p/s: For her, I just want to say that no one has the right to decide whose ass was bitten by karma or what (I know I have been cursed like that A LOT by her).

p/s/s: Shall deal with bitter stares and cold shoulder for one more year. I have so many things to shoulder leh :( 

p/s/s/s: Once again, any derogatory comments about her will be deleted. 

Sweet Tooth

I know I have posted something negative minutes ago so here is something to make it positive :D

Baskin Robbins' 8-flavour special :D

Ezzah's cheese layered cake featuring Nutella (I miss this despite the lack of nutella taste :P)

My Sugar Bakes farm animal fondant banana and chocolate cupcakes :D

My 2012 Birthday Fondue at Citrus

Another Baskin Robbin's ice-cream goodness :D

If You Have Nothing Nice To Say, Don't Mention Anything At All

School's starting next week (although I unoficially self-declare a one-week holiday, using Raya as an excuse). My post is related to that, even though it is not 100% related. Gah. I thought of not writing it, but I ended up writing it anyway. I think it is better for me to write because I still have one more year to graduation.

In my life so far, there are two people (a boy and a girl) who are not blood-related to me that were very close to me, and yet ended up stabbing me back and front. I lied if I said I don't give two fucks about these. I do. Because these two people were the ones whom I shared almost everything to. I will not write much about the boy because he is definitely out of my life and despite his attempts to get close to me (trying to follow me on Twitter, Instagram etc), I decided not to let him see anything about my current life. Our social circles are totally different so we will not have much chance to meet each other. But I have always wondered how will I react when I meet him someday? Will he be a stranger, or will I be polite enough to say "hi" to him? I do not know.

Digression. Anyway, I was talking about a girl. A girl whom I actually opened up to and shared my warmth with her. A girl whom we shared ups and downs together. A girl who called me a "sister" and who claimed to do everything for my good. I laughed when I recalled back those moments. They were in fact, not real.

In my life, I encountered two-faced people who smiled at you in front and went all friendly with you but bitched about you at the back. I do not really care about them apart from getting pissed for minutes because they are nothing but acquaintances. But for someone whom she claimed as "close friend" and then attempted backstabbing from behind, this actually made me questioned myself whether did she even regard me as a "friend" in the first place.

She had always said how much she cared for me but all I see was contradicting actions. Of how she often tried to down me in front of public and then subsequently bringing herself up, of how she had been selfish so many times to take care of herself and then leave me behind and then expect me to sacrifice for her. Yet I still give her chances after another, simply because she claimed herself to be a "nice girl who cares for her sister". Fine. I gave benefit of doubts.

I was not stupid enough not to know what she had told others behind my back. I knew many others were bitching about me behind my back. Sure, I was not a likeable person. There were many people who disliked me but never had the balls to tell it to my face. Some did though, and thanks to them I made self-reflections and to decide whether to change or not. Most of the time I did not change though because to me, if you don't like me don't show up in front of my face. Easy. Saves my time and energy dealing with people who dislike me. But what I dislike was that someone so close to you who claimed that she cared for you when in actual fact what she did clearly showed signs of hatred. Like I killed her family or something. There was always something against me, and when I was needed I will be used. If you have not liked me or anything, don't bother getting close to me even. Just tell me you hate me and then fuck off.

Why bother being a hypocrite and telling everyone how much you liked me and then stabbed me from behind?

How think your skin is to actually say you are a nice and straightforward person, only for me to find out malicious lies and hidden agendas about you?

How can you survive thinking you are kind-hearted when in actual fact you are not? The difference between a kind person and you is the "publicity". You tend to try to convince people you are being kind, whereas those truly kind ones (of thom I have actually witnessed), were being kind for the sake of being kind without even trying to convince people around them, including me. I have seen how my close friend from secondary school who was actually kind sacrificed her own time to clean up toilet in an asylum without convincing people around her that she was kind (if you read this blog, you know who you are :P). I have seen a friend who was genuinely devoted to helping people in need all the time without considering herself, and she was a year younger than me yet my senior (doubt she reads my blog ehehe). People have eyes and brains. They can see who is being genuine and who is being fake.

I admit, my close friends are not a lot, but at least I can tell when they are being true to me and are genuinely concerned about my doings. Those who genuinely cared for me, I treasured them like my teddy bears, farm animals and pets (funny how I associate my friends with animals =.=). It is more worth living to have a handful of genuine close friends than to have many but fake friends (used to have them; now we lost contact and I don't bother finding them and so do they).

Haha digressing again. Back to main post LAH! I know I am currently not ready to be friendly to her and said "hi", especially when I found out that I was a pawn to leap through her career. I disliked how she stepped on people and used them for her to climb up. And imagine that feeling when someone who claimed to be "close friend" actually had the intention to use you and therefore pretended to change and be nice to you (for someone who does not have a pretty face, she is considered a very good actress if she were to act on TV). I hate how she sees friendship as investment.

I hate how much she holds grudges over smallest things, as if these small things were reason enough to induce so much hatred on me. Take a few vegetables (by accident) makes me a SUPER EVIL DESPICABLE MEAN PERSON. Not teaching her in studies (because she didn't ask) whereas I taught others (because they asked) makes me a DESPICABLY MEAN BITCH. Taking one extra piece of egg makes me a SELFISH EVIL RUDE CRUEL BITCH.

**omg I cannot stop laughing after typing those out**

I hate how much she defends herself in everything she does instead of doing self-reflection on herself, of where she has gone wrong. And I hate whenever she was busted, she would quickly shifted the blame on someone else whom she also called as friends. Hypocrisy and cowardliness.

And I hate how much I have always given her chances and continued letting her into my life, despite being so toxic. I hate how little I love myself to consider her feelings above mine.

But not anymore. I shall not let any toxic person enter my life anymore. 

Well for her, congrats for finding a new bunch of friends from your dancing club (I think any person who know me could have guessed who this person is by now). I like how my friends said how fast she found herself new friends, whereas they kept sticking to the same old circle of friends again and again. LOL! Deep, rich sarcasm indeed! Yeah yeah, those new friends of hers have cars to bring her out to play so she can use them all she want zzz...unlike me who have no cars and is currently controlling my alcohol intake which makes me a less interesting person in overall.

It's only one year babeh. One year and off I go.

Okay time to get ice-cream. It's so hot here ><

##UPDATE:  Any posts that are derogatory towards her will be deleted. That is the last thing I shall do for her for the sake of our past friendship.

Mirrors - Two Yet One

Justin Timberlake's "Mirrors" have been out for some time yet yet yet I only knew about it YESTERDAY when I heard it in Ezzah's car :'( it sounded a little boring and repetitive to be honest, but when, when you watched the video and understand the lyrics, it is actually one of the most beautiful songs written.

Let me put on an excerpt of the chorus to show you readers (if I have any haha) how beautiful it is ^^

It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making two reflections into one
'Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

I like how JT uses "mirror" as an imagery and "reflection" as a metaphor to describe the love of his life. Do you know why we often call our spouse "the other half"? This is because they complete each other. Two different individuals, who led different lives yet meet each other and complete each other, thus they become one. That's how the term "two becomes one" comes along.

I remembered in Genesis 2:24, the Bible quotes, "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united with his wife, and they become one." This is how God portrays marriage, which is an act of joining two individuals become one. Well, for those who took it literally, it literally means two people who lead different lives are now leading one life together. Still do not get the clear picture? Let me explain it in a more practical way. One man pursuing his career meets a woman who pursue her dreams. They eventually got married, made love and make their own family. Isn't that from pursuing their individual satisfaction to pursuing a family together? From two goals to one? Some may argue that they may not build a family together because they may not give birth to children. A family is a group of individuals living one life together, and a man and woman living a life together is also considered as a family even though it is just both of them.

Why is mirror and reflection a good symbol of "two become one"? In a mirror, there is the original at one dimension and the reflected image at the other side. They are two, because there are both original and reflection at the same time. However, they are also considered as one, because they are both from the same person. What differentiates the original and the reflection is that the reflection mirrors the acts from the original reversibly. This symbolizes the husband and the wife's ways of living their life together. They may be building a family together, which is a common goal, but the way they build the family may be different. This is what makes the husband and wife so unique and is beautifully represented with mirror and reflection.

JT mentioned about his other half reflecting himself. The most beautiful thing about the love of your life is that he or she will be the one who brings out who you really are, and get to see and know your real self the most. Just like looking into the mirror. If you want to know how you look like, you will of course look at the mirror right? The same goes for your "the one". The right person will let you see your own self, your reflection whenever you see him or her. You do not have to hide your real self when you see your other half, just like seeing the reflection in a mirror.

From the song, we can see that JT is over Britney Spears for SOOO LONG (for Britney-Justin fans, get over it and accept the fact that they moved on =.=). This is clearly depicted in the excerpt of the lyrics below.

Now you're the inspiration for this precious song
And I just wanna see your face light up since you put me on
So now I say goodbye to the old me, it's already gone
And I can't wait wait wait wait wait to get you home
Just to let you know, you are

He said goodbye to the old him, which was 10 years ago when he sang "Cry Me a River". That was the broken, devastated and angry Justin. But today, he is full of hope with his wife Jessica Biel and wanted to bring her home (as in spend his life with her at his home and literally bring her home of course). Oh well, this shows that people move on and no one will dwell with their past forever.

That is why I have always tell people around me that the guy I am looking for may be the total opposite of me yet have the common goal and view as I do. It is like a reflection of me - mirroring my movement yet in the opposite manner. OMG I FOUND THE RIGHT WAY TO DESCRIBE MY MR RIGHT! I want to find a reflection of me hahaha!

p/s: Welcome back, blogging. I miss writing so much. Not writing reports, but writing out my thoughts freely. I have never felt so free after so many weeks of writing answers and reports :') 

13th General Election

Prologue: Finally I got my baby lappie back!!! I need to study for my Advanced HMT test and my Risk Management test next week, and I have to do my FYP (meeting my co-supervisor this Thursday, meaning I will have to do something beforehand). But firstly, I need to get things clear, especially regarding this 13th GE, which dismayed most Malaysians. Be prepared for a LOOOOONNNNNGGGGGG barrage of rants ahead.

I am generally not patriotic. I love Japanese food and culture, Korean trend and phones, America for being a land of dreams, Singapore's work ethics and European fashion and art. I even considered migration to other places such as Australia, Singapore or Canada. But I love my hometown, Kuching. Kuching is the place where I have spent two decades there. I think if you put me blindfolded in an area in Kuching, I can recognize it almost immediately. The food, the cheapish rate in everything, the friendly people (to be honest, Kuching has one of the friendliest people *points at myself proudly*) and the peaceful lifestyle. Everything is just so laid-back. Wherever I go, if I were to return someday, Kuching will be the place.

But I cannot deny that deep down inside, I like to call myself a Malaysian. I am the typical Malaysian Chinese girl that most people would stereotype to. The girl who received an education from a national school, who gets along with Malays, Chinese, Indians, Dayaks and those of mixed-blood and who speaks Manglish (typically fluent English with a distinct Malaysian accent and the additional "lah"s, "ma"s, "leh"s and "liao"s, just to name a few). The girl who loves Malaysian food, particularly spicy food such as kangkong belacan and nasi lemak with lots of sambal, and of course, other Malaysian food like crab with salted egg, mee mamak, roti john, laksa, kueh chap, belacan and bak kut teh, in addition of Kuching food like sio bee, kolo mee and Sarawak laksa, which is usually accompanied by a cup of teh tarik "peng", Milo "peng" or teh-C special (that is originated from Kuching by the way, which means three-layered tea). Omg I miss kueh chap and kolo mee with juicy minced pork and thinly-sliced char siew right now :'( anyway cut the digression. I call people around me "boss", "oi" and "eh", like a bawse (Malaysian style). I am a laid-back person who do not like to abide to rules, although I have occasional moodswing which makes me feel like being an obedient citizen (sangat Malaysian ni). And I am accustomed to Malay, Chinese and Indian food, of which most Chinese from other places such as Taiwan, PRC and Hong Kong cannot be accustomed as much. And lastly, I AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH DURIANS!!!

That much being said, I would like to hope that I will have the desire to stay in Malaysia without having to look abroad for other opportunities, because government aside, Malaysia is actually one of the most beautiful places in the world. I remembered travelling to Singapore with my friend beginning of this year, and as polite as those fellow Singaporeans were, they were not very friendly as compared to Malaysians. That is what makes me proud being a Malaysian, because to me, Malaysian = friendly person. So, although I could not vote (because I was under le government's scholarship and they can actually trace back my votes), my family actually voted on my behalf. I was full of hope the moment the election started.

First issue was how Najib offered money and citizenship to immigrant workers to vote for Barisan National. I was disgusted at the idea of him belittling a citizenship to the extend of offering to an immigrant worker, just like that. If they obtained the citizenship so easily, then what does this makes us? Those who do not have a Bumiputera status were already treated as second-class citizens by the government despite being citizens, then if those immigrant workers were to be given citizenship just like, then immigrant workers > Malaysian Chinese + Indian citizens? What kind of logic is this? Of course, the energetic young Malaysians do not allow this to happen and they were there to become "ghostbusters". Catching the "ghost" voters, aka hantu pengacau.

This did not end there though. Evil people will be evil until the end. I shall not touch on that too much, as the thought of it utterly sickened me. What blasphemy pieces of sorcery of suddenly causing blackouts all over the place (the places where the opposition originally won) and then poof, new ballots came in. I could not believe how far the sick government would actually go just to secure their position. Ugh. Malaysia lost, because of this.

I know some of the angry Malaysians blamed the ignorant Sarawakians for contributing the victory to BN. But before we blame them, we should look at the bigger picture. Those Sarawakians who voted for BN live in the outskirts, in the rural areas, where media connectivity is scarce. As active as the young members of opposition party held their campaigns and manifestos, they somehow did not reach the ears and the eyes of the rural locals. Imagine those uneducated locals, who knew almost nothing about the corrupted outside world, were given RM500 and panadols each just to vote. For some ignorant people like them who did not know their land were stolen, RM500 was considered a lot to them. They did not know their stolen lands cost beyond RM500, and to be honest, being given RM500 after having RM500k land being stolen is like a slap on the face. But they did not realize that. Because they were not informed and educated about all these. Panadols are not good for health, sayang.

Look at this as a lesson learned. We can actually analyzed a few areas for improvement for a better Malaysia, during GE 14th, or even before that.

1) Many places that was originally won by the opposition but ended up having votes and victory stolen by BN were in west Malaysia and consist of young and educated voters. That means the younger generation of Malaysians were fully aware of the changes needed by the country. However, they missed the ignorant rural areas who do not know politics and their proper rights as a citizen. Those were the people whom every activist need to educate. No point educating educated people who already know what is corrupted Malaysia. Instead, focus on educating people who do not know what corruption and citizen's rights mean. People who do not know what have gone wrong, like the rural locals.

2) Now we know how far the dirty government will go just to win votes. More precaution steps need to be taken. Hantu voters? Try to prevent that from happening during the next election. Plan. Start planning from now. Blackout? Have volunteers bringing in torchlights. Extra ballots appearing? Make sure those extra ballots do not reach and if they do, throw them away (need volunteers also). And of course, mark those votes that have already been counted, so that recounting of votes will not happen.

3) Plan of ways to topple the corrupted officers. Justice prevails, not evil. Whatever bad things they did, surely they will not be able to wipe off their asses fully. Look keenly for those loopholes, and mercilessly condemn them to justice. These people need to be taught a lesson after living so many years of corrupted life. Like seriously.

4) Never give up. Instead, those campaigns and walks done need to be carried out even more, by even more people. Have more Malaysians united, and fight against the corrupted government together. Show the government that a nation is made up of its people, not a bunch of corrupted officials.

Who do we need, in this case?

a) Educators
b) Politicians
c) Lawyers
d) Engineers
e) Young adults who wants to contribute

I am sad that I am unable to do anything but to watch my country being swallowed. But this motivates me to study even harder so that I can earn more money, and at the same time gain more knowledge overseas (I don't trust Malaysia at current state to expand my career so sorry to say that I will not opt to work in Malaysia after I graduate) so that when I finally come back to Malaysia before GE 14th, I am able to contribute to win back Malaysia. Not by just votes, but by other means like knowledge, energy and money. Just remember that we all fight not only for ourselves, but also for our future generations who will take over us.

I wish I can write a manifesto on democracy and have it published and make sure every Malaysian, urban and rural, local and abroad, young and old to read these. I hope my words can someday be powerful enough to wake every Malaysian up and try their best to fight against the corrupted government.

I cannot expect Malaysia to be like Singapore, but at least let it be a peaceful and clean country with many opportunities. I want to grow old and retire in Kuching leh! 

p/s: Once again, congrats Najib for making Malaysia a joke more than it already is. You are really a fail case.I truly feel like spitting at you and throwing slippers at you if not because I am a civilized person and you are not worth my saliva and my slippers.

p/s/s: It is ironic to see Malaysians fighting for democracy towards its own government even though it is an independent country. The late Tunku Abdul Rahman will cry in despair seeing his cause to fight for independence and democracy has flushed down the drain.

p/s/s/s: Mourning time over. Shall remove the black FB profile picture and replace it with my pretty-looking sunshine portrait. Be positive! Yeah, after all that has happened to me, I should start seeing positivity in everything. I am learning. I don't want to die being negative. No way man! 

May The Force Be With Me Throughout May

I foresee a horrible and tiring May. No? Disagree with me? Well, maybe for you May is a beautiful month, but NOT for me. Here, let me list out all the horrible things that will happen to me in May.

1) Advanced Test 2 and possibly 3. Meaning I will have to study. I mean, studying itself is not a big deal, but I just dislike studying. And ironically, I am studying despite the fact that I hate it. LOL irony can never be avoided in life.

2) Monetary issues. I kind of overspent my April allowance, and hence I have to save, save and save throughout May. April: Brunei trip, hairdo, welcoming party, weekly splurge on food (RM20++ on a meal wtf), stocking up daily necessities, paying off debts and bills). I guess I have to cook everyday and how I hate eating my own cooking. It does not taste that bad, but it reminds me how mediocre my cooking is as compared to my mom's, and therefore I miss my mom's cooking even more :'( I can see my poor bank account suffering like mad here. And I cannot touch my other batch of money because it is for my KL trip and to buy Note 2 (PINK!). And of course, I cannot spend so much in May. I guess I will have to limit to RM200-ish per month??? I will die man.

3) FYP. Had a super short meeting with my supervisor just because he is busy and I was late because of the stupid bus. He wanted me to complete a simulation before the semester ends wtf. That means throughout May I shall crash and burn my lappie with my Aspen HYSYS while sharpening my MATLAB skills at the same time. My Monday will be a free, good Monday only if I do not have to attend the weekly MATLAB lab at 1pm. Oh the agony. Life's like this. LOL.

4) No thrill. May will be a boring month. Except for Grace's birthday, which is only one day.

5) No more tuition free week. Stupid for them to put 4 study weeks, then 1 week break, then 2 study weeks, then 1 week break, then 6 weeks of study. This is preposterously ridiculous! Making us super lazy and demotivated at the first half of the semester then not giving us a break on the second half of the semester. I will die man. I do not know how to survive this semester.

Long story short. I detest May.

God, I need Your help and guidance here. Amen.

Define FAITH

I know, not another post on religion. But oh well, there are things which I think it is better for me to let out.

Today, I was accompanying my friends to settle their experimental safety report for their final year project. On the way, I met a lecturer whom I respect a lot. She suddenly seemed cool and distant, as compared with last time. She used to be close to me and used to be friendly with me, a lot. But now, it seems like we barely know each other at all. I am upset with this change as she is one of the lecturers whom I admire the most. She is beautiful, smart, tough, God-fearing and decent. All those of which I am the opposite of.

That left me thinking; was it because she thought of me as someone who does not really accept Christ in life that she no longer feels a sense of belonging with me? I know I look like some hypocrite Christian who wears a cross necklace yet goes out clubbing and wear sexy outfits and curse all the time. I seldom pray and go to church. But I keep saying that I have faith in God and all. Hardy har har this bitch is damn hypocrite. Seriously? There you good Christians go judging me. I dislike people judging me! How I define my faith in Christianity and in God is not up to you to decide, but to me. Even if the whole world questions my faith (that includes my parents), God will definitely know. I never question all of your faith, so stop questioning mine!

I have this issue running through my head for a very long time and it takes up a lot of courage for me to type this. This in truth involves most religion so I am actually prepared to be screwed, shot or dissed, whatever it is. Hence, read the disclaimer below before start shooting me thanks.

DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS ENTIRELY BASED ON MY OWN PERSONAL THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS AND IT HAS NO INTENTION OF INSULTING OR HURTING ANYONE OR ANY RELIGION AT ALL. I UNDERSTAND THAT EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS THEIR OWN BELIEF IN THEIR RELIGION AND I RESPECT THAT. IN FACT, IF I DO NOT RESPECT THE OTHERS' RELIGION, I WOULD HAVE ALREADY DISSED THEM LONG TIME AGO. I WILL NOT MAKE GIVE IN TO THEIR PRACTICE WHENEVER I AM WITH THEM. 

Okay disclaimer typed out hehe. Here goes.

Religious discrimination hurts me. Even in my own religion. Well, I have always told my Muslim friends how I personally dislike them discriminating food by classifying them as "halal" and "non-halal" because at the end of the day, they are just food. I also dislike how they discriminate "dogs" and "pigs" as dirty because to me animals are the same. God do not create them to be discriminated. Omg dogs are sooooo adorable <3 p="">
Admit it. Everyone in this world sins. A Christian friend of mine told me every one of us are born with an ability to sin, which is called "wisdom". Because we know what is right and what is wrong, and we know what is temptation and what is sin, yet we often fall for it even though we already know simply because we are selfish. That is what makes our sins heavier. There is no such person who is 100% clean and sinless, because this world is so corrupted that it is nearly impossible not to sin in order to survive. I mean, all the ethical issues arise because people sin. People put themselves above everything else because they are selfish. People hurt each other because they enjoy it. Either that or because they want to survive.

Because of that, God had no choice but to create a human being out of himself, instead of from Adam's offspring, so that he will live a totally sinless life and then die while bearing all of our sins. The reason why Jesus Christ died so young (30++) is because he chose to sacrifice for us. He chose NOT to sin, but to die so that all the sins that we have will be shouldered by him upon his death. Jesus was born in a manger and was insulted and humiliated by people all his life, yet he never once gave in to temptation. Christians who believe in him should actually rejoice this because this is the rite of passage to Heaven, and rejoice his resurrection (Easter).

But look at what most Christians do today. They create so many restrictions and rules about "how to be a good Christian" i.e. dressing decently, praying frequently, zero profanity, no eating meat on Fridays, going to church regularly and all. I mean, it is not wrong to abide to the rules to show your faith in Christ. What is wrong is how you question other people's faith in Christianity and start judging them. I know, it will be better if I stop going to clubs and stop swearing. I live a life like a party animal (now seldom club though due to FYP). For the swearing part, I shall not repeat what I had posted.

I do not like how they set the standards of "faith" and then start judging those who do not follow the standards and then start condemning that they are going to hell and all. Hell yeah, just because I said "fuck you" does that mean I will go to hell? It is just a word. I do not mean any harm. It is not like those two words will actually cause death. And I see no reason why I should be condemned by not going to church often. I mean, compare me, a girl with 30% faith going to church every Sunday and questions the existence of Christ and a girl with 70% faith who seldom goes to church yet knows that Jesus is watching over us. We cannot just measure someone's faith by judging their exterior. Worse, we cannot discriminate them and act as if they are second class people. No. We are all Christians.

Another thing. I wish that people will not be divided because of difference in religion. I mean, we all have ONE ultimate God who rules it all. Maybe those who are polytheists believe in different gods, but above these gods there surely is one ruler right? And who better than the alpha and the omega God, who is "The One"? (Oh my goodness this reminds me of Morgan Freeman's role as God in Bruce Almighty :P). I really wish that there will be no more wars in the name of religion, because as far as I know, all religions (except satanism, and that is not a religion but a distorted belief) promote peace and goodwill. That I sincerely pray and hope.

One last thing. Everyone has their difference in faith in different religions. I do not like how people try their very best to convert someone else' religions and all. I mean, you have your own belief; he has his own and she has her own. Respect each other's religions and beliefs lah. We have one special gift from God, which is called "free will". We have freedom to choose whatever we wish to do, and I believe no single person in this world has the right to take away another person's free will, and that includes religious beliefs. Hence, please do not question my faith anymore and then judge me as whatever horrible person you all picture.

There I rant again. I miss my job as a part-time journalist sometimes. Maybe in the future, I will quit my job as an engineer and start my journalist job and end up getting Pullitzer award *dreams*. Why not? I express better by writing than calculating formulae and develop models.

Judgmental People

Disclaimer: I post this not to shoot or point out anyone's fault in this matter. This is purely based on my own personal thoughts and pondering. Please do not accuse me of anything as it is not fair to have my own opinions being wronged. 

It all began on one rainy first day of CNY. For those peers who know me well, I am usually busy on 2nd day of CNY onwards. My first day is usually empty, with relatives visiting my humble abode and then asking me about boyfriend and all (please let me go). Well, to make a change to my CNY this year, I decided to join my ex-colleagues (from my intern company) for a visiting. After all, I doubt I will be visiting them again next year (you know, if this year close then next year bo liao that kind of thing?), so just try out this new experience for once LAH.

Visited one of the colleagues' houses and stayed there for the entire afternoon. I can drink so I was fed with beer, vodka (pure and flavoured) and whisky (nah, cannot really remember to be honest, I can only remember there are many alcohol). I was then asked to drink, more, one shot after another. Happy + lots of food + lots of alcohol + cute dogs to see and to play with = cepat mabuk. Period.

Despite my drunkenness, I was conscious enough to realize the consequences of having possible guests seeing me drunk and torn and fumbling around. Hence, I asked my colleagues to NOT send me home, but rather, let me gain my consciousness (in about...15-20 minutes?). I think they have something else to rush, so they ended up sending me home. I know my limit as I was drunk before. I only needed some time before going home to not look that BAD. Alas, I was sent home and I was drunk in front of my aunt. Vomited in front of everyone. Gosh, the embarrassment. It was not the first time of me, I admit. I got drunk in front of many other people before, including the people I had wanted to impress. This is nothing compared to what I went through before. They were only my colleagues. Nothing more. I do not feel the need of impressing anyone. Honestly.

One night drunk and my parents began questioning my life in Miri. They began thinking of me as someone super wild who go to clubs every weeknights and neglecting my studies. "Oh, no wonder lah she cannot get HD. She must have led this kind of lifestyle there." "Omg, my daughter is drunk! What kind of people she usually mix with???" Then, soon the relatives began spreading the word all around.

It did not end there though. I kind of suspected my colleagues had been thinking bad about me as well after seeing how badly I drank and got drunk. They did not say it, but somehow or rather there was a pretty bad impression over there. Tried poking one of the colleagues (the only one who did not marry as I find him the safest to poke) and I got pretty bad responses. I do not like how people got so quick to judge a person based on ONE bad impression the person had make. They said it was no biggie, but somehow, the way my parents had said made me doubt their "no biggie" statement to be actually "real biggie but we just feel bad to say so". Sigh. Wish there are more people like me in this world who still like people even though they showed their ugliest side to public. I am not nice. I just constantly remind myself with the crumpled $20 story.

Seriously, it was I who got drunk. Why do those people who are related to me find it so amusing to spread it around and make such a big deal? I am a university student so I cannot drink? I am a girl so I cannot get drunk and make a idiotic fool out of myself? I mean, have I offended you people to say me like that? Why oh why?

Things got worse when my parents began questioning what kind of friends I had make in university. They began badmouthing my friends, which I do not like. Saying things which they did not do (okay, some did it though), and worst of all, they assumed that I did the same thing. I did not like how they see me. It all happened because of one, ONE freaking incident. Just because I did not score above 3.5 for my CGPA so you assumed I strayed around and became slutty party girl? I am really, really disappointed. I don't like the way they see me.

Maybe it is time for me to score 3.75 this time to shut them up? But again, I score not to prove to anyone, but myself. I do not have to prove anything right? I just do whatever I like as long as I know I am doing it right right?

This kind of reminded me of the profanity in speech issue I had back then last year. I am a Christian so using foul languages is prohibited. My own personal thought: If nothing I can do harm anyone, I shall not stop doing it. If you are uncomfortable doing so, at most I will not do it in front of you. To me it is like smoking. If you do not like someone to smoke in front of you, ask him to smoke somewhere else far away from you. If you are really concerned, there is nothing you can do unless he one day decides to stop smoking. The same goes for me and my profanity in speech. Unless I can finally figure out a better anger management and my patience has finally reached a satisfactory level, I cannot stop cursing whenever I get mad.

Okay, I think I better stop before I rant more and more. Long story short, I am not happy. Can't believe I typed one long essay just to say I am not happy. Damn loso ah me.