SEX LOVE or LOVE SEX? You Decide :)

 ##DISCLAIMER: If you are uncomfortable talking about sex or are below 18, feel free to skip this post. Otherwise, read at your own risk :P

I remembered when I was in my teens, the word "sex" was a taboo word. Anything related to sexuality will immediately be censored in my mouth. Well, I am in an all-girls' convent school, so can't really blame me. I only got the first taste of sexual conversation when I was 18 (conveniently when I became legal, huh?) and I never felt so awkward before in my life. Those terms such as "blowjob" and "doggy-style" sounds innocent and yet dirty at the same time. It is so intriguing that I googled it and ended up blushing after looking at the meaning.

Yes, welcome to this blog post about sex, sex and sex. I was exposed to sexual conversations so much that it now sounds like a normal conversation to me. Not that I am proud of it, but hey, eventually we all (most of us I mean) will end up engaging in sex one day, and some may already do but just keep quiet. I can go on about this sexual post forever but I shall focus on only two things today. Firstly, on the addiction towards sex and whether or not it is love.

To be honest, I do not get the big deal on sex. There are so many people out there that are just addicted to sex. They talk about sex, they crave for sex, they are willing to lose themselves for sex, degrade themselves or sex and they make sex seems like the most valuable satisfaction in this globe. I know I have no say because I do not have any practical experience, but I really do wonder why is it so addictive. Men cheat on their wives because they think with their penis instead of their head. Women complained about how men can be so bad on bed until the men question their own ego. The dominating species are willing to pay to sex the submissive species. Even men had sex with animals. The addiction is scary, if you look at it at the big picture.

Is it the hormone that make people go haywire whenever there is sex involved? If yes, then does it make lust a worse vice as compared to gluttony? I know my biggest craving is food, and I do get cranky if I cannot eat what I crave for. But is sex the same thing as well? Is that why porn exist? I do not object the idea of porn for men to release sexual tension, but I am against the idea of objectifying human beings as sex objects in the name of views. Perhaps that is the reason some movies like to add in unnecessary sex scenes. To increase viewership. Lol. But it is pretty much unnecessary, especially if there is some climax and then suddenly sex scenes come in. Potong stim habis =.= eh seriously if I want to be horny I would have watched porn instead of an action movie right? In the midst of an adrenaline suddenly you see naked couple making out. You will feel the same way as I do right? Unless you are horny 24/7 then I have no comment.

Okay I have enough questioning the sex addiction thing. Let's go to the next topic, which will be interesting in my opinion. Can sex be equated with love, or vice versa, or both? In my humble opinion, sex is a type of bond and connection created between a man and a woman to profess their deep love for each other. As our own body is so sacred and private, the pleasure shall then be shared between those whom we love the most. That's why a man who have sex with a woman without her consent is called rape. This is simply because she does not love that man at all and is not willing to share her body with him. I mean logically thinking, if you love someone you will share every precious thing you have with that someone right? Money, house, and in this case, your own body. This is why a man and a woman who love each other so much having sex is called "making love". Cherishing each other's bodies with love and passion like there is no tomorrow. Lol. That is how I see sex, excuse me *blush*.

Yet, there are so many people in this world who are able to have sex without the love. It is like the addiction I mentioned above. They can just have sex with someone they just met and then with no strings attached afterwards. Is it that they are lonely that they search within sex to fill up their emptiness deep down inside? Or is it they try to find emotional attachment through sex? Either way, my advice for these people is to nourish their own lives first if they want to fill up their lives :) then when their life is fully-nourished, they will realize that they do not need loveless sex to be satisfied. Sex should be preserved for someone special, not merely being exercised as an activity. Lol.

Sex has its ugly side as well, especially the aftermath of it. Sexual victims especially are the saddest case. They are being objectified by men (and in some cases women) to fill up their emptiness and fulfill their perverted satisfaction, leaving them traumatized and ashamed. Trafficked sex slaves are said to have emotional and psychological trauma which may cost them a lifetime. They will feel dirty, worthless and used up. I hope there are more people who can actually help them to get up because their paths are still long. There is a reason why they survived the torture after all, right? ^^

Ask.Love.Give.Receive.

Love is you. Period.

I know this Friday is Design Project Memo 3 submission and here I am blogging about love. I have nothing else better to do than my work? Self-justification: I finished my part and had to wait for my friends' parts before we can proceed to everything else. But it takes me such a long time, hence my mind is flown off to love. Hence, this post.

I have so many questions in mind about love that I want to post all of them here.

How to define love?
How to know when we are in love?
What is the difference between in love and to love?
Is love a matter of choice, or it is beyond control?
Is it possible to fall in love with someone without realizing?
Friendship comes before love, or vice versa?
Love creates happiness, or vice versa?
Is there such thing called "right time to love"?
Should we chase after one love knowing that we will be apart?

That's all for now. Confirm I have more questions than these but nah, lazy to post all.

They say love is a game. Play it right and we will have it. The thing is, I suck totally at playing. Firstly, I do not get hints. I will be totally oblivious towards it until people come to me and tell me. Then I get freaked out. If I like him then good lah. If I don't like him then bad lah. Lol. I do not like the idea of love being a game though. Isn't love supposed to be a genuine thing, which should be given and shared all the time? Why do loving someone has to be a game and then planning strategies, here and there? I honestly tell you (from what I have seen) that love obtained by playing hard and lots of planning will somewhat tires you out. Because you will have to keep thinking of ways to keep the partner. Just give your love naturally and only work on maintaining the love you have. Simplest, yet hardest at the same time. Why?

This is because not everyone is lucky to find someone whom they are able to love and at the same time someone who loves them. Mutual affection. Two people may be able to get together because of understanding, work, friendship, meetings, clubs, activities and religion. But if both are solely together simply because of mutual affection, which makes them want to love each other at the same time, that is like hitting a jackpot. If you have found someone like that, do not let that person go. Love knows no boundaries. I know I sound unrealistic saying so, but at the end of the day, happiness does not depend on reality. It depends on ourselves.

You will eventually know who you will want to spend your rest of your life with. There is something about that person that makes you want to get to know that person more. And when you find out the bad things that person has done, somehow you are able to forgive that person and accept the flaws. You are happy whenever you see that person. No matter how bad your day is, seeing that someone just lifts part of your bad feelings away, if not all. That person will be the last person you think of before going to bed. You will wonder whether that person is doing fine or not. If you are shy, you will not call and ask. But if you are daring, then good lah. It is a beautiful feeling. But it depends whether you are daring enough to open up your heart and receive it. Or give.

Your lover is a partner who shares his/her life with you. Your lover is your best friend who knows you inside out and yet accepts your flaws. Your lover is a giver who will provide you anything so that you will be happy. Your lover is a receiver who expects happiness from you because of the strong love towards you. At the same time, you can be your lover's partner whom you share your life with (family, friends, work life, trouble, success, joy). You can (or if are, even better) be your lover's best friend who will always be there for your lover despite the past and flaws. You can give your lover all your love and make sure he or she can feel it. You can learn to receive your lover's love for you because every lover hopes that his or her love reaches the other half.

Very true.

A friend once told me that same things will keep occurring in my life unless I make changes on it. I know I will have to stop being a coward and to have low confidence on myself. I know I should learn to open up my heart rather than keeping it in a save. Ironically, le ex was the one who told me not to keep my heart into a save. Lol. Maybe it is a sign that I should really have faith in myself and see what my love can do to another person's life. Maybe my love can change someone's life, I never know.

Just love myself and eventually someone who loves me will come along. This I shall believe :)

Because God never fails to shower His love to me, thus sending someone who loves me to me. Amen.

Vulnerability

I write this post mainly for myself , but for those clueless women out there who lack confidence as much as I do, feel free to read this and feel better after that :)

Tulips - signifying perfect love :)

I know in every woman's dream, there will be her other significant half holding her hand and finish up the life journey together. For those feminists who claim that they do not need men in their lives, stop living in denial. Deep down inside, every woman wants to find love to fulfill inner desire, nourishment and emptiness in her soul.

I once believed in that dream that I found the one. Despite being a far cry from my typical man I will have crush on (don't try to guess that type thank you), I believed that I was totally in love and will spend the rest of my life with that man. However, things did not end as pretty as I thought. It turned out pretty ugly, and even though I was already over him, the scars remained. There were little things that triggered the sweet memories, which will be followed by the bitter memories, which came with the betrayal. If you are curious, he is currently happy with his girlfriend, but at the same time dwelt over me. No, not really healthy here.

It is not easy for me to type all these. I made a mistake. The thing that stopped me from walking forward was that I was unable to get up totally from the mistake I had made after so long. Three years. I had friends asking me why am I still single and all (even my mother). They thought I was not over him. Wrong. I am over him, and even if one day he came to me and asked me back, I will not go back anymore. But it is the fact that I could not get rid of the scars that stopped me from stepping forward. The fear of making the same mistake with the next man. The fear of not being able to give as much love to the next man after giving so much to the previous one. The fear of betrayal. The fear of him judging me for what I did. The fear of him unable to accept me after knowing more of me. The fear of losing myself on the way so as to please him.

Most important of all, the fear of not being good enough for him. I am not beautiful and definitely far from being gentle. I am extremely emotional, which is the total opposite of a logical and practical typical man. And at the same time, I will always need some space for myself, and I am afraid I am unable to allocate space for him all the time. I am very selfish, and if he has to put up to my selfishness all my life, we will end up quarreling and that will eventually destroy our relationship.

Holding hands is the very first step of relationships, not kisses or caresses other parts of the body

My friend said that if I were unable to get up after so long, I will need a helping hand from a Good Samaritan so that I can have faith in myself, in relationships and in love again. Thing is, it is not easy to find that Good Samaritan who will lend a helping and loving hand. I know there are many guys who go over to you and tell you they fall in love with you or like you a lot without knowing who you truly are. They like you for the looks and how you portray yourself to be. They are unable to see your inner self because they are too blinded with your appearance. What happens if they see your inner, broken self? Will they truly understand your feeling? Or they can pretend to understand your feeling just to have you, and once they do, they do not care any longer? Or they are just simply...lonely? Desperate? No, Good Samaritans are not easy to find.

A Good Samaritan is a guy who is able to penetrate into my inner self, sees them and yet still accepts me for who I am. He will be the one who genuinely understands my pain and sorrow, so the best bet for this Good Samaritan is someone who went through the same pain as I did. Someone who understands the feeling of lost love, of faith that has faded and hope as high as mountains practically vanished in matter of seconds. If a guy loves me but do not understands my pain, he will keep telling me to move on, move on, quit being stupid, why not see the one in front of you and then gets jealous for no reason. Then we will start quarreling. Make sense? And the only person who can gets you out of the fire must be the one who survived the fire itself, because he is the only one who knows how to get out of the fire. But I guess finding this kind of guy is like finding pea in grains of rice, huh?

I am a messed up individual to the fact that I doubt myself sometimes. I know people have always say that for someone to love you I must learn to love myself first. I am loving myself. But the thing is, there are things which I cannot do on my own. I am not strong enough to get up fully, even after so long. I do not have a high confidence, of which most of my friends get irritated with hehe. But at the same time, I have high ego. See how complex and messed up I am? A guy who can handle this complex personality and thoughts of mine is truly a Good Samaritan, which I think is rather difficult to even find, let alone come to me.

But even though things are difficult, I should not lose faith and hope, like what my friends said. Once I give up on myself, that's it. My friends have not given up on me, so why should I give up on myself? I have love myself more for knowing how to prioritize things better now, rather than being more of a people pleaser. I appreciate my friends who have always root for me and cherish me. They are the ones who dare to tell me where my flaws are so that I can improve myself better. To be a better person so that I will live a better life. To be a better person so that I can be more worthy of the Good Samaritan who will hold my hand someday.

I have learned to appreciate myself more than before. Even though I am not beautiful, I can always dress up nicely and look at my very best. This, to boost up confidence. At least I try my best looking my best. I am not gentle, but I am funny at the same time. I make people around me laugh for my quirky antics. My annoying loud voice somehow creates a happening atmosphere. I cherish these gifts of mine which brings others to joy. Although my blunt remarks are somewhat painful, people who truly understand me and care for me will know that my remarks mean no harm, and are more to letting them know what exactly happen. I have this knack for knowing what people think and seeing through most people's personality. It is scarily accurate, yet most of the time I often overlook them. Hahaha. How I see myself can sometimes be correct or wrong, no?

There is a saying which goes," Birds of the same feather flock together". In layman's terms, you attract what you are. So if you want to be with someone you want, firstly improve yourself to be like him/her. Not changing who you are, but try to take up his/her good qualities. But most importantly, accept who you are first. Everything comes after that :)

p/s: For girls who lose faith in themselves, look at the mirror and list out the good things you have. If you cannot find it, drag your close friends and ask them to list them out for you. Along the way you will somehow be able to list them out yourselves ^^