I know. I am too free to actually clean up my blog. I filtered most of my past posts which clearly exposes my vulnerability. I was such a little kid back then to jolt everything down onto this blog whenever I feel down. The posts which especially showed my pain while going through post-breakup syndromes were read, and then deleted. Not because I want to avoid it. I move on already. If I have not move on, how do I even dare to read my past posts, let alone delete it bravely and confidently? I deleted them because I do not want any random stranger to see my past vulnerabilities (and hopefully not in the future as I will limit types of posts I will write).
Looking back, I had my share of foolish and immature things I did back in the past. The stupidest things I had done were during my post-breakup period. I even gave my blog password to my ex so that he could write me love posts for me to read. Lol. Of course, I changed it afterwards and never let him invade my own personal space. Yes, I learned that even in relationships, one must learn to save some personal space for oneself, in the name of privacy and protection.
I used to portray a strong and confident facade in order to hide my past insecurities, which often caused people to mistake me as being arrogant. All my past insecurities were written onto this loyal blog, and when I read back, I could not recognize the person I used to be. To be honest, try to ask my close high school friends who I used to be and who I am today. We are totally different, so different that I could not recognize the old me. Probably I was in the process of self-searching. I was a teenager after all.
I like the current me. Yes, I do. I have not completed the self-searching journey, but I can say I have searched 80% of the inner me. Through experiences, through hardship, through disappointments, through tough love from genuine friends (note: GENUINE friends who accept you despite your flaws) and of course, I must give credit to God. My journey in life is arranged by Him, because He knows better than I do.
I am actually more confident today. MUCH more confident. I dare to voice out my opinions and defend them, as odd as they sound. I dare to be weird, because somewhere in this world people will like my quirky antics. I used to believe that I worth a lot because I have many suitors, but now I know I was totally wrong. My self-worth is not determined by how many suitors pursued me or even had a stalker (gives me creep until now whenever I think of it), but rather, it is determined by myself and not anyone else. YOU alone know how much you are worth, not anyone else. That much I know. If I think I am awesome, then I am awesome and then people will start thinking I am awesome too. Well, I am awesome. People cannot get enough of me. People feel like slapping me because of my perasan-ness at times, but at the end of the day, they still love me.
I am moving on, and deleting my past insecurities is one of the ways. Sure, people may say that I am a coward by deleting it. But I beg to differ that. I am courageous enough to read my past posts before deleting it, shows that I am ready to move on and no longer look back. No one looks at the back when they walk to the front. They only feel the need of looking back when they realized they have left something behind. I have not leave anything behind, so I do not need to look back. Walao sound so confident ehh :P and besides, why should I let the public dig out my past insecurities, which only me and selected few should know?
I am done ranting.
Friday, March 28, 2014
I'll Try My Best
**this is my 2010 post and I seriously do not know how this end up here. But anyway, here goes. Contemplated on deleting this or not but I decided not to in the end.
Somehow, I felt like I tasted shit inside my mouth. For some reason I'm obsessed with the word "kanasai". Heh. Bad influence for the baby if I kept on mentioning kns in front of him =.=
Well, it took me a lot of courage to type all these out. I just need to let it all out, say goodbye and move on. Not worth dwelling over something that has been already broken and no longer be saved.
It's over, it's a past and it's no longer worth thinking about. When I think back rationally it is partly my fault all these shit happened. There is one time I wished I could turn back time and change everything. Then maybe these shit will not happen. However, what he did was totally wrong and I can never accept it. He broke his promise. I foolishly ate his sweet talks and his empty promises while treated me like a fool when I was in Miri. Maybe some girls could, but not me. NO, as much as I love him, I can never accept this. I can accept anything but this.
I really thank Lord for letting me see all these while it is not too late. It's better to be sad now than to feel sorry later. If it goes on, I am afraid I could not turn back. I am grateful that everything ended, well, not the way I want, but still, it ends here. Maybe we're just not meant to be, and he's not strong enough to fight for our relationship. He chose to let it fall apart; he chose to betray me, which shows he was not meant to spend his lifetime with me.
As much as I am angry towards him, I guess I should find myself some time to cool myself down. To think through everything. After all, we had our good times together. I will try my best to move on and to be strong. Not worth wasting my tears for someone who does not treasure me and this relationship right? However, I will try my best to forgive him. One day. But not now. I really need time to forgive.
For "him"(if he EVEN reads this blog):
I wish you and the girl happiness in your new-found relationship. She is willing to go against all odds to be with you, even if it means hurting me. But I doubt she cares anyway. Here. I paved a way so that both of you can go official. Whatever you do, you feel and you think from now on has nothing to do with me at all.
Somehow, I felt like I tasted shit inside my mouth. For some reason I'm obsessed with the word "kanasai". Heh. Bad influence for the baby if I kept on mentioning kns in front of him =.=
Well, it took me a lot of courage to type all these out. I just need to let it all out, say goodbye and move on. Not worth dwelling over something that has been already broken and no longer be saved.
It's over, it's a past and it's no longer worth thinking about. When I think back rationally it is partly my fault all these shit happened. There is one time I wished I could turn back time and change everything. Then maybe these shit will not happen. However, what he did was totally wrong and I can never accept it. He broke his promise. I foolishly ate his sweet talks and his empty promises while treated me like a fool when I was in Miri. Maybe some girls could, but not me. NO, as much as I love him, I can never accept this. I can accept anything but this.
I really thank Lord for letting me see all these while it is not too late. It's better to be sad now than to feel sorry later. If it goes on, I am afraid I could not turn back. I am grateful that everything ended, well, not the way I want, but still, it ends here. Maybe we're just not meant to be, and he's not strong enough to fight for our relationship. He chose to let it fall apart; he chose to betray me, which shows he was not meant to spend his lifetime with me.
As much as I am angry towards him, I guess I should find myself some time to cool myself down. To think through everything. After all, we had our good times together. I will try my best to move on and to be strong. Not worth wasting my tears for someone who does not treasure me and this relationship right? However, I will try my best to forgive him. One day. But not now. I really need time to forgive.
For "him"(if he EVEN reads this blog):
I wish you and the girl happiness in your new-found relationship. She is willing to go against all odds to be with you, even if it means hurting me. But I doubt she cares anyway. Here. I paved a way so that both of you can go official. Whatever you do, you feel and you think from now on has nothing to do with me at all.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Ill and Still Writing
Today is Saturday, and I am down with sore throat and slight fever. I lost my lovely high-pitch voice! :( it was a pity, because my loud and powerful soprano-ish voice is gone. I think I am not even reaching tenor. Probably a baritone???
I glanced through my emails and am amazed that how my previous emails have arrived to today's. From ssssygirl_dahotchick@hotmail.com, sw3et_personal@hotmail.com to finally jess.tbl@gmail.com. What on earth was I thinking back then? Lol. But I dare say I was not the only one! All sorts of cutesy and fancy-flowerish names came out on emails back then in high school. I was lucky to have my sw3et_personal being hacked, hence using jess.tbl@gmail.com onwards as my official email. Anything feel free to email me there kay? :)
Update: MH370 flight is hijacked, according to sources. I personally do not care what happened to the plane and the whereabouts. All I am concerned is that every single one, if not all of the passengers and crew are alive and in one piece. Whether there is any hijacking or runaway or literally vanishing into another dimension, what matters the most is that they are all alive. Think of the families who worry about them everyday. Let's just hope the hijackers do not harm any single lives there.
Okay, rants aside.
I had a conversation with a lovely friend about her relationship with her long-term boyfriend and her parent's approval. They are of the same race and religion, and they are currently experiencing LDR. Her mother did not approve her dating in college, and she had to go out all the way to make her relationship work. They are one sweet couple, and I sincerely hope they can get married and have beautiful babies. I am sure her baby will be as beautiful as her.
I understand that in the olden days, the children's wedding solely depends on the parents, or the grandparents. This is because to them, marriage is a bond between two families, and the parents will of course choose families that benefit them. That being said, their children are like bridges to link two families. That is why you see rich marry the rich and poor marry the poor. Birds of the same feather flock together. Because of that, the social status exists and are divided into different groups/castes/layers.
However, in today's modern society, children are well-equipped with individualism and their own unique vision of who and what they want to be. That of course, includes the type of person they want to spend the rest of their lives with. So why do parents still want to interfere with the children's choice of life partners? I heard a friend who wanted to marry a girl of different race got an immediate disapproval from his mother. They eventually got married at ROM, without any ceremony because his mother did not give them any blessing. They had a son now, and till today, his mother still do not accept her as her daughter-in-law.
It is a sad thing. As much as we individuals like to choose our own partner, but our parents' blessing is still very much important to us. Having parents' blessing over marriage is like having some elders to be happy for our choice of life partner and our choice of path taken. Hence, I hope that when we become parents someday, give freedom for our children to choose their partners of their own. However, if our sons chose a girl who is obviously a gold digger, just make sure that the girl do not dig so much of his money. What to do right, he loves her so much not to be able to see her real face. Because gold diggers are usually very beautiful and attractive.
I glanced through my emails and am amazed that how my previous emails have arrived to today's. From ssssygirl_dahotchick@hotmail.com, sw3et_personal@hotmail.com to finally jess.tbl@gmail.com. What on earth was I thinking back then? Lol. But I dare say I was not the only one! All sorts of cutesy and fancy-flowerish names came out on emails back then in high school. I was lucky to have my sw3et_personal being hacked, hence using jess.tbl@gmail.com onwards as my official email. Anything feel free to email me there kay? :)
Update: MH370 flight is hijacked, according to sources. I personally do not care what happened to the plane and the whereabouts. All I am concerned is that every single one, if not all of the passengers and crew are alive and in one piece. Whether there is any hijacking or runaway or literally vanishing into another dimension, what matters the most is that they are all alive. Think of the families who worry about them everyday. Let's just hope the hijackers do not harm any single lives there.
Okay, rants aside.
I had a conversation with a lovely friend about her relationship with her long-term boyfriend and her parent's approval. They are of the same race and religion, and they are currently experiencing LDR. Her mother did not approve her dating in college, and she had to go out all the way to make her relationship work. They are one sweet couple, and I sincerely hope they can get married and have beautiful babies. I am sure her baby will be as beautiful as her.
I understand that in the olden days, the children's wedding solely depends on the parents, or the grandparents. This is because to them, marriage is a bond between two families, and the parents will of course choose families that benefit them. That being said, their children are like bridges to link two families. That is why you see rich marry the rich and poor marry the poor. Birds of the same feather flock together. Because of that, the social status exists and are divided into different groups/castes/layers.
However, in today's modern society, children are well-equipped with individualism and their own unique vision of who and what they want to be. That of course, includes the type of person they want to spend the rest of their lives with. So why do parents still want to interfere with the children's choice of life partners? I heard a friend who wanted to marry a girl of different race got an immediate disapproval from his mother. They eventually got married at ROM, without any ceremony because his mother did not give them any blessing. They had a son now, and till today, his mother still do not accept her as her daughter-in-law.
It is a sad thing. As much as we individuals like to choose our own partner, but our parents' blessing is still very much important to us. Having parents' blessing over marriage is like having some elders to be happy for our choice of life partner and our choice of path taken. Hence, I hope that when we become parents someday, give freedom for our children to choose their partners of their own. However, if our sons chose a girl who is obviously a gold digger, just make sure that the girl do not dig so much of his money. What to do right, he loves her so much not to be able to see her real face. Because gold diggers are usually very beautiful and attractive.
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