Shortest Post So Far

Bad things that happen around us are meant to make us stronger, and that includes not losing our own virtuous selves. Being cynical, doubtful and negative just cost us lack of sleep only.

So be strong my dear self. And to those who need it. Never lose our own selves. Changes are meant to make us stronger and be a better person.

Yes I Quit Teach For Malaysia and Am Currently Jobless

I made one of the biggest decision in my life so far last Monday, which was to quit Teach For Malaysia. Several months back, I raved on how passionate and how much I wanted to do something meaningful and worthwhile to give back to the society, and the post showed it all. And I just resigned from Teach For Malaysia a few days ago! Surprise! I know, there will be a few thoughts about this matter:

1) She ranted about how passionate she was and now she ended up quitting. Typical hypocrite.

2) She was just like everyone else. Unable to go through minor obstacles. How to succeed?

3) I knew it she is not fit to be a teacher from the very beginning. Time wasted liao lor.

4) So indecisive.

Bah if there is one thing I truly learn to practice, it would be NOT TO JUDGE ANYONE WHEN THEY DID SOMETHING SEEMINGLY UNSAVOURY. And a golden advice from my dear friend: DO NOT GIVE ANY FUCKS. Yes I chose my own happiness over other people's judgement, thus I quit.

But one thing I dislike is that I had to disclose certain matters which I was not comfortable sharing, then ended up with people surrounding me with, "Are you okay? How are you feeling now? I hope you are fine." thing. No I hate people sympathizing me. No please don't ask me to stay strong and to be okay! Yes wish me luck in my future career and tell me we will meet again, but please, don't touch my personal matter and ask if I am okay or not. Please if you are able to read the weather please don't ask me, as kind-hearted as you are. I appreciate it but it makes me uncomfortable at the same time. Just wish me luck okay?

Anyway, back to me resigning from Teach For Malaysia. Sorry to say that my heart is no longer there, no longer wanting to serve the government, no longer wanting to be entangled in the fucked-up education politics, and my heart wants to earn money more. And, my heart wants to do a job which requires me to think super critically, solve problems and deal with objects. My heart does not want to mess with the students' lives, because I am currently unfit to influence/inspire/motivate any kid. Because my heart can no longer inspire the kids like how I inspired the kids during ROS, the following 2 years of fellowship will be extremely long for me.

My heart wants to go back to learning something new and technical and hands-on. My heart wants me to take up a manly job into the field as an engineer, earning respect and leadership from the crew and at the same time money. My heart wants to learn more about engineering field while I am still at the peak age of building my career. Most of all, my heart wants to be a successful female engineer. As much as I love English, there are some things which I cannot turn back, like taking up psychologist or creative writing anymore. I have lived my life as an engineering student and currently I want to be an engineer. I guess I am thankful to Teach For Malaysia to open my eyes finally and to see what do I want to see myself as 10 years down the road. Because I cannot see myself as a teacher at all.

Education inequity is evident, and I would like to play a part in eradicating it. But not by being a teacher, performing in front of students. I am not a performer. I prefer to be the behind-the-scenes person. I do not like to shine, but I like to rack my brains overnight and help other people shine. Probably one day I can organize an NGO in Sarawak for the super rural students and help them (with the help of the future TFM alumni muahahahhaa), but not now. I just want to be selfish for now while I still can.

I quit despite risking not being able to find a job for months. I quit despite knowing that it is difficult to find another job outside. I quit risking losing an income. Why? 

Because life is short. Because in a blink of an eye, a few seconds has passed. Time is irreversible and I do not want to waste time doing something I am not happy doing. I want to earn money and be successful in my career, as an oil and gas engineer. I want to use the money to help my family and travel around the world while playing violin and learning Muay Thai. I want to give my family a better life. I want to, at least once, maybe not next year and next next year, but someday, just once, to complete a full marathon. I want to buy any clothes of any brand without having to look at price tag first. I want to look out of my apartment window and see high-rise buildings, feeling energetic to rack my brains and being labelled as a workaholic. I was already labelled as a workaholic even during my PSP in TFM. My face has "workaholic" written all over me. But workaholic in other aspects.

I have changed. One thing for sure. No longer innocent, more cynical, more doubtful, but deep down wishing and hoping that I can be innocent and gullible and green and believe in everything good for all I want without doubting, doubting and doubting. It is tiring to be realistic. I want to believe that there is good in everyone, and they can feel warmth, kindness and love. That people can be nice to anyone without hoping for anything in return.

Hey, I am jobless right now. And I want a job. I do not quit to sit at home doing nothing. I will go crazy if I do.

I am still unsure of my future to be honest, despite knowing very well what I want. I guess leave everything to God for now...

Which is Right? Which is Not? I Just Do Not Know Anymore

Today marks my last day of teaching at Chung Hua Middle School No.1, a Chinese medium high school. I somehow managed to survive despite not knowing how to speak standard Mandarin; I sometimes tend to get blur whenever the students spoke too fast.

Anyway, today is also one of the most depressing days ever. I invigilated Senior 1E, an Arts Stream class. I invigilated two papers, which were Sejarah and Bookkeeping respectively. Earlier this morning, I was informed by the teacher-in-charge that there are CCTVs installed in each classroom. Shocking, yes. I later entered each class and noticed that indeed, there are CCTVs behind each classroom. Talking about horror.

I reminded the students of that particular class about the CCTV and asked them to behave and not to cheat. It was a horrible experience, because students there were so playful and they fooled around throughout the examination period. They took the paper, wrote their name and started talking towards one another. Despite my several attempts to shut them up, they ignored me. I had to raise my voice and threatened them to give their names to the principal if they did it again.

And the drama began. The discipline teacher went into my classroom and called out a few students, saying (in Mandarin), "You, you, you and you all. *pointing to a few students* I saw you all cheating." Then she took out their "cheating devices" hidden at weird corners. She then added, "I saw what you did on CCTV. Don't try to deny. You will automatically fail, and I will make sure you get disciplinary action."

I was scared, of course. I had the names of the students who fooled around. The teachers asked me to give the names of the students who fooled around and did not do the papers. I was in a dilemma. Some of the students were good boys. They were not bad; they were just naughty. Sigh.

After class, I went to find the disciplinary teacher regarding this matter. Indeed, these disciplinary people saw everything via CCTV, and they paid special attention to my class because I am a temporary teacher and they think it is difficult for me to control a notorious class. Hence, she said that the students will be expelled.

"No chance shall be given to them?" I asked.

"No. They should know the consequences if they fooled around or cheated during examination. They deserved it. No chances should be given to them," said the teacher-in-charge.

My heart sank. I always believe in seeing someone in good light. Those students I mentioned were good-natured students (the boys). The girls were rude and disrespectful so they kind of deserved it. But the boys, no, they were actually respectful towards teachers and knew what was right or wrong. Just that they wanted to play ALL THE TIME. Just that they were naughty. And because of this incident, they will be expelled. What would their parents think? What would they feel regarding this matter?

I know in life, actions are divided into forgiving and punishing. To give chance means to encourage others to forgive. To punish means to teach them a lesson. I cannot say that one is better than another. But I always try to stay to the former one, to give chance because everyone has a good side and no one must simply give up on them just because they have made mistakes. But again, when people keep doing things despite being warned several times and knowing the consequences, perhaps they need to get a taste of their own medicine.

I will face many of these in the future. I know, my attitude will always cause people to step above my head. But I still have a long journey to go, and I still have so many things to learn. Perhaps time will tell whether each decision is right for each situation and what not. I can only think this way.

p/s: I know my students will read this. I feel a bit weird knowing my students stalking all over me. Should I be happy instead?

Malaysia 916

I am born in Kuching, Sarawak. Sarawak is one of the states in Malaysia. However, somehow most of the Sarawakians do not feel connected to the Peninsular Malaysians. It is as if Sarawak and the Peninsular Malaysia are two totally different worlds. Before we get into thia argument, let's not forget that in Peninsular Malaysia itself we have Kelantan, the only state which has totally different cultures and lifestyle compared to the rest. So we cannot really say that everyone in Peninsular is the same.

What I like the most about Kuching ia that in every coffee shop, or what we call kopitiam, there is at least a Malay stall and an Indian stall. You can see the local Sarawakians, Malays and Chinese eating together under one roof. It happens almost on a daily basis. I do not know much about the Peninsular since I only went to KL like twice.

Why can't Malaysia in general, while retaining their cultures, stop dividing among one another? Why bother separating West and East? Is it because of the immigration issue whenever a Peninsular Malaysian enters Sarawak and Sabah? Is it because the people in Peninsular often got informed that people in Sarawak and Sabah still lives on trees? I, truthfully as a Sarawakian am insulted whenever any Peninsular Malaysian made such remarks. Politically wise, most of the resources in Sarawak and Sabah were given to the Federal. Then again, not every state in Peninsular gets to enjoy the benefits. Let us not forget that apart from KL, JB and Penang, the rest of the states are not as developed, and some even told me that Kuching is more developed than their state capitals.

What I am trying to say here is that we as Malaysians should stop the "unfair" and "divided" mentality. These are what cause racism. We must remember despite our origins and our roots, we are born in this country, which is our home. Therefore, we are Malaysians, regardless of being Malay, Chinese, Iban, Indian, Bidayuh or Kadazan. I dislike ticking any form which requires our race details. What about those from mixed heritage? They are forced to choose only one race because of this "divided" mentality by the government itself. It is so tiring to explain that you are a Malay but you are mixed with Chinese blood. Or you are Chinese but your mother is an Iban. Or you are an Indian who has some Chinese in your bloodline somewhere. Why can't you just say you are of mixed heritage and yet you are Malaysian? I find it much easier lo. I mean, I am a pure Chinese so I never get to suffer this problem but I have quite a number of friends of mixed heritage, and I often saw them introducing themselves as mentioned above.

I am joining Teach for Malaysia, and the schools that I am going to teach in Sarawak consist of students who are local. A Chinese with no knowledge of Bahasa Sarawak is going to teach the students who know very little English. But what makes me teach them even though we come from different background and are of different races? I got rid of the "divided" mentality. We are all human, regardless of race. I remembered a Hong Kong movie scene of an Indian who had a crush on a Hong Kongite female and he was accused as a rapist. He then proceeded to cut his own arm and showed them the colour of the blood he bled. He was saying (in Cantonese la), "We all shed the same blood, which is red. Why do you discriminate me just becsuse of my skin? I am not an alien!" That statement somehow made me vow not to be racist, because we are all the same. Different skin colour but all have the same blood colour.

To create a better Malaysia, one very important rule is not to be racist and divided. It has always been an issue since forever, and even Sarawak and Sabah holds a petition of pulling out from Malaysia. To be honest, it is not the nation that is at fault, but rather, the improper governing. We need a better government for a better nation, and for that we need to stay united. But first of all, please ditch the "divided" mentality, which is the mother of racism.

I hope one day I do not need to fly to Peninsular Malaysia with a passport as a foreigner. And of course I hope Sarawak will be more developed and a better treatment can be given to both Sarawak and Sabah. Teach for Malaysia entering Sarawak to eradicate education inequality is already a very big step to me.

I know I bore the readers with my rant. Hence, I shall put a couple of my selfie pictures. These pictures are me wishing all Malaysian readers Happy Malaysia Day! Wish for a better nation! It has so much potential there, with so many bright minds and plentiful resources.

Story of a Socially Awkward Introvert

I had been to a few classrooms as a "teacher" and I saw different groups of friends and "outliers". The term "outlier" means the odd one out. The odd one out would mean those who belong to the neither of the group and is usually seen alone.

There are two possible types of the "outliers", which are the introverts and the socially awkward. How to differentiate those two?

Introvert - A reserved person by nature. Prefers to be alone even when being placed in crowds.
Socially awkward - A person who does not know how to mingle. May be an extrovert, but a failed one (that's harsh). Okay, in layman's terms, shy.

This is my page so I will somehow direct it back to me, myself and I. I belong to both. I am both an introvert and socially awkward at the same time. This has been happening since childhood. If given a chance, I would prefer daydreaming alone, drawing perverted comics, reading books or listening to music for hours. At first, during my younger days, I liked to tag along with my brother and played whatever he liked to play. I always went straight home after school and spent most of my days watching TV and playing with my toys alone. Well, the age gap between my brother and I are 5 years, so at that time, the age gap was rather big.

As I grew slightly older and entering my early teens, I began facing peer pressure. I moved to an all-girls' primary school. At first I liked to borrow books from the library and spent hours reading. But I watched some American teenage movies and read some American teenage books about popular girls in high school and how they were considered "successful" while those quiet, introverted and shy ones were considered as a "failure". Hence, I tried to get out from the comfort zone and TRIED to be more extroverted. I guess for my peers, I had my fair share of awkward moments due to my socially awkward nature.

I was lost throughout my teenage years trying to be someone whom I thought was right to be. Someone outgoing, extroverted and lively. I tried participating in clubs, hoping to be someone sociable and get rid of my reserved nature. I accepted social gathering invitations and tried my best to attend every single one, but those gatherings usually ended up leaving me lost in the sea of the crowd, and wishing I can get away from it. I was usually seen hanging out with a group of which I am comfortable with, but even then, I would somehow withdraw myself during the middle of the conversation because I was so tired of catching up. I just wanted to get out of the place and sleep.

Along the years, I got rid of my socially awkward nature, and was able to blend in with the crowd for the sake of socializing. But there were times (I think many of the times) I chose not to blend in at all. I chose to keep quiet and observe their conversation. It is not easy to break my ice, unless I choose to let you break it. I am still that awkward, but my awkwardness is due to the obligatory to keep up with the conversation with people I barely knew, just for the sake of socializing. I just thought it was the right thing to do in the society. Hence, no matter how tiring it was, I just muster my energy and try not to break the conversation.

Being a socially awkward introvert, I have a number of friends whom I am comfortable to talk to though. But even so, I have my own "I-just-want-to-stop-talking-to-you-even-though-I-like-you-my-dear-friend-please-leave-me-alone"moment. So for those who wondered if there was a moment of silence between those conversations, you all know why.

I like to catch up with people whenever I go to different places. That is because I do not always get to see them and I can talk more. Meaning there will be less chance of "silence". And the meeting usually happens only once. But truthfully, I prefer solo backpacking, if not because of my parents' concerns regarding my safety. Sien.

I have only a handful of those whom I am comfortable of sharing everything with, apart from writing. But I also have my own fear that they may get tired of my never-ending rants. I can never shut up once I see them. But it is okay, because they love to hear me talk and will think something goes wrong when I keep quiet. LOL! Funny thing is, I love sharing. Hence the never-ending sharings on social medias and blogs. However, I do not feel comfortable just sharing things to another person, or a group just like that. How meh?

A socially awkward introvert individual like me has joined TFM as a fellow and will be teaching a classroom full of students next year. I will have to face teachers, students, parents and even the management daily. I see it as a challenge to overcome my socially awkward nature, but being a naturally-born introvert, I foresee myself being tired daily. Maybe I will seclude myself in a room and sleep whole day long. My housemates knew that because I am always seen in the room.

But I will face a problem as a teacher next year. How to differentiate introverts and socially awkward students? Easier said than done. Balancing the extroverts, introverts and socially awkward are difficult. Here, I listed out one of the possible challenges during the fellowship already.

Done sharing. Via a computer, not a human being, which makes things whole lot easier. LOL!

Teenage First Crush Confession

It's embarrassing for me to actually type this, but here goes. Other than excessive boredom, I would also like to exercise my writing skills and learn how to express myself better. I suck because I just can't express myself well. What's past is the past, and what matters now is the present.

Rewind to several years back, I had a taste of my first crush. I was 15 back then, and for someone who do not normally go to tuition and co-curricular activities, my social circle revolves around my classmates, who are all girls. Hence, when I was enrolled into a BM tuition class, I get to know a few boys from other schools. I met my ex-tuitionmate who was the typical kind of guy I like: Tall, good-looking (for me lah), gentlemen and seems nice. At that time, I only had my first taste of Friendster and I actually just got to know some boys via social media rather than by face. Hence, by knowing him in person, and he seems so good, it is natural for girls who reached puberty like me to have a crush on him.

Well, crush being a crush, it was obviously unrequited. I was extremely awkward in socializing back then, so I had difficulty expressing myself. I had some confidence issues as well, because during Form 1 and 2, I was quite thin back then but I started gaining massive weight in Form 3. Maybe I was not pretty enough for him, or so I thought. Besides, I heard stories of him not coming out of the closet further infuriated my inner feminine ego. Unable to express my disappointment due to unrequited crush and such rumours circulating around, I began taking part in accusing him of being "pondan", "sida" and "gay". And one of the most embarrassing things I ever did was to chase after his car in my delicate baju kurung school uniform and apologized to him. Of course, I hoped that he would somehow see some "uniqueness" in me, just like those Taiwanese idol dramas (obviously I watched too much dramas back then) and started to like me.

He never did.

I remembered I cried when he sent me a LOOOONNNNGGGGG message of him expressing his disappointment of me spreading things about him, when I was just spreading things that were already been spread. Me being me, I then continued having this on-off crush on him until the end of Form 5. That was when I found out about my hardcore loyalty towards a guy, thus making a conclusion that any guy who ended up with me is an extremely lucky man because I can be THAT loyal. Coincidentally, we were at the same tuition class again in Form 5. I remembered being shy and awkward enough to embarrass myself in one situation. Here goes:

One day, my ex-crush was having a flu, and he wanted to ask for tissue. He asked from one of my friends, but she did not have it. She asked from another friend of mine, and of course they needed to pass the tissue to him.

I remembered him calling me, but because I was clouded with this "crush" thing, so I thought I was hallucinating. Until my friends in front told me that he was calling me. No big deal la though, it was just to pass some stuff. Till now, my friends often made fun of me thinking that I was hallucinating when he called me. Yes, I was that much of a socially awkward freak.

Well, of course, after that, I had my fair share of unrequited crushes and at the same time causing another fair share of men to have their crushes (on me) unrequited. But then again, I could not help laughing at myself whenever I thought back of this funny incident. I used to think that it was embarrassing, but now I think it is pretty damn funny.

I am still socially awkward today, just so you all know. That is why I prefer writing down my feelings rather than expressing by mouth or action. #malu

Exodus

Last night, I had a Google Hangout Session with the TFM people and I found that in Sarawak, I will be posted somewhere 2 hours drive away from Kuching. Well, that means no boat ride to school for me, but these places will still be rural areas. I requested for rural areas from TFM because I would like to get out from the comfort zone. However, I felt a tinge of sadness inside my heart. My life for a quarter century has always been like this:

Kuching (where I grew up until pre-university days) -> Miri (university days) -> somewhere ulu in Sarawak at Kuching/Samarahan region (first 2 years of work)

So tentatively, I spent a quarter century in Sarawak throughout my life. So much for adventure huh? I already tasted my first bitter disappointment when I was enrolled in Form 6 despite my competitive SPM results. I ended up spending my pre-university days opposite my high school for two good years. I lost motivation in studies, because I thought that I would end up studying at local university anyway. There goes my adventurous life abroad.

I was relieved that I will be enrolled in a private university instead of a public university, because that would means less restriction and more exposure towards diversity. Bad news is that my university is only an hour flight away, in the same state. I spent my four good years in Miri, Sarawak, of which the culture and lifestyle is very much like Kuching. It was as if I never moved out at all. However, I was glad that I lived on my own and learned to be independent, and proved that I was capable of being independent. University life is where I searched for my own true self, and I am glad I am on my way to searching who I really am and where do I belong.

Hence, I entered TFM for a further self-search, because I would want to be part of the "contributing to the mankind" thing. I wanted to get out of yet another comfort zone, and at first, I wanted to be placed in the West Malaysia. But it was found that the education in Sarawak was one of the worst in Malaysia, and I thought that I might as well work in Sarawak, and work at Kapit division places. The more ulu places I go, the further I can fly. That was what I thought. It turns out that I will still end up in Kuching, and while most people are happy for me, deep down inside I was expecting yet another adventure outside home. I would still end up nearby home at the end of the day, and I will feel restricted.

I have always want to stay for a few years at a place where the culture and the people are different from here, so that I can experience something different before coming back home and appreciate. Living at a foreign country for a few years is different from travelling you see. You only travel to live at tourist spots, not living like a local. Damn I should have applied for student exchange back then >< but who knows right, another adventure is awaiting me. The only way to console myself is that adventures happens everywhere, not necessarily abroad but it can happen within my hometown as well. Lol.

Teaching not Just for Malaysia, but for Myself

I am sure most people know that I have been selected for Teach for Malaysia and will be the first batch to be sent to Sarawak. And I am sure people around have been speculating whether I will be sent to Kapit or not ever since my outburst to Facebook. Lol. Well, the TFM lady called me and mentioned that the ROS (Rancangan Orientasi Sekolah, also known as School Orientation Program) will either be held in Kuching or Kapit, and high likely it will be in Kapit. Lol.

Before I continue ranting about my possible placement to Kapit and how can I survive rural life, first of all I would like to answer a few questions that have been pointed out on me.

1) Study so hard as engineer, why in the end become teacher? 
Firstly, let's put it this way. I am not a teacher. In fact, I have never considered teacher as my lifetime profession and it will not be. That I am absolutely sure. I see myself more as an education engineer - to change lives of students. How on earth do I change the students' lives, when all I do is to teach? This is when I have to be creative and open-minded to bring the students to improve their studies and at the same time be a better person. Teachers only teach students; I improve the students' lives. The difference between me and a typical engineer is that they deal with machines and softwares while I deal with living things with brains - students.

2) There are so many ways of leaving an impact, but why choose TFM? 
Yes, there are. In fact, the TFM interviewer mentioned that I could have continued being an engineer and at the same time getting involved in voluntary works. But if you are truly dedicated to leave an impact on the students' lives, part-time voluntary work is not enough. This requires full time and commitment, of which TFM could give me. Two full years of commitment, time and energy is what I can offer for the students. As a normal human being, I will always prioritize. Hence, if I were to become an engineer, I would be bound to the commitments (family, debts, loan) so much that I will not give up my source of income to do voluntary work. I will work just for the sake of fulfilling my commitments and earning money. Gone is the purpose of living life with meaning. As the saying goes, once you start it, continue doing it until the end. Thus, TFM.

3) Aren't you worried of starting over after 2 years of commitment to TFM? You will be competing with the fresh graduates within your field, and you will be 27 by then! 
Of course I have thought of that. I may even be worried that I cannot catch up in my own engineering field and will be discarded. But then again, we live in the present, not the future. The future is so uncertain that it can only be carved by our present doings. Hence, live in the present and do things which make me happy, and for sure will not regret for life. My idealistic nature can be a pain in the ass sometimes for those hardcore realists.

4) What if you got posted into rural areas? 
If I were to join TFM only to request to teach nearby my home, then that defeats the purpose of TFM at the very first place. Sure, there are problematic urban schools, but the most prominent schools with very low proficiency are mostly from rural schools, with very little exposure to the world. I know it may be as bad as not having internet, having to travel by boat and even having transport inconvenience to obtain daily needs. Think of it this way. I am getting out of my comfort zone to push myself beyond my limits. I have been living fairly comfortably for so many years now (not exactly comfortable, but more comfortable than a major fraction of Sarawakians). It is time for me to share my comfort with them and at the same time having them to share their life with me. Who knows, they end up teaching me more. Things may go the other way round and I end up as an even better individual than I am now. Besides, I can at least tell my future children that I used to ride a boat to school everyday to teach.

5) Won't your parents object?
At first, they definitely objected my decision when I told them I would be flying back to Kuching to attend the final interview for TFM. Study so hard, RM4k engineer salary don't want, but go become teacher instead with salary of RM2.5k. I understand that they need my help financially at some point of life. I seem selfish to work as a teacher at rural areas instead of becoming an engineer and earn more money to help my family. But at the end of the day, it is my happiness that matters to them, and they will definitely support me at the end of the day. My dad even told me how is Kapit, and my mom accompanied me for baju kurung shopping. Their concern though, is my placement as they prefer me to be placed nearby home instead, while I prefer to go deep inside Sarawak.

I guess that is all for the questions and I have answered every single one of them.

Resume ranting.

I heard from people saying that I have to travel by boat to Kapit from Sibu because it is located across the river. Horror. Imagine moving around the boat daily to and fro. I think it will be very tiring for me. Besides, there is no line at Kapit, so communication will be difficult. Sucks for those experiencing LDR. But if people broke up because one of them is placed at Kapit and they do not communicate everyday, then the relationship is not worth it at all. As for me, I can imagine myself travelling to school by boat, teaching the local students at great difficulty due to communication and their lack of interest in studying, and then frustrated and get tired at the end of the day. I also can imagine myself staying up late just to plan the lessons for the students.

But I know deep down inside that at the end of the day, everything will be paid off. If this is a calling for me, I will answer it by taking part in TFM. Teach the students who need me. Share with them the meaning of education and life. And what matters the most is, it makes me happy. Period.

Homesick

Just called home and had a conversation with my mother.

My brother and my father are at home. All are home except me. I am stuck here in Senadin. Damn you assignments and FYP.

I miss home, so much, right now.

The feeling of missing home is the worst when you are all alone inside your house, typing assignments while staring blankly at the laptop in front of you. I feel lonely. I have no one to talk to at night. I know, I usually am alone in my room during study time, but this, my housemates all have left and I am all alone here. Looking at Instagram pictures of hometown food makes me miss home even more. Screw social media I know, but still, even without all those pictures, I still miss my mom's cooking.

I miss getting fat at home. I miss driving my mom out for shopping. I miss the little kids inside my home. I miss hanging out with friends. I miss shopping with friends. I miss the eating marathon in Kuching, because food is so much cheaper back home! The price of the food in Kuching is only a fraction of the price of the food in Miri. Sigh. Miri's claypot chicken rice costs RM7, and it is so little?? Kuching's one of the best claypot chicken rice (Thompson Corner ah) costs RM6, and the portion is so much bigger and tastier. Look, I am not belittling Miri here, but I am just missing the taste of food at hometown. Some may prefer the taste of food in Miri. But I prefer the ones in Kuching.

I am so going to ask my housemates to tapao sio bee for me :P at least I get a taste of home. Sigh. It is like KL people missing their mamak food, and Ipoh people missing their nga choi kai.

Okay resume typing assignments. Bye blog.

Spring Cleaning and Walking Forward

I know. I am too free to actually clean up my blog. I filtered most of my past posts which clearly exposes my vulnerability. I was such a little kid back then to jolt everything down onto this blog whenever I feel down. The posts which especially showed my pain while going through post-breakup syndromes were read, and then deleted. Not because I want to avoid it. I move on already. If I have not move on, how do I even dare to read my past posts, let alone delete it bravely and confidently? I deleted them because I do not want any random stranger to see my past vulnerabilities (and hopefully not in the future as I will limit types of posts I will write).

Looking back, I had my share of foolish and immature things I did back in the past. The stupidest things I had done were during my post-breakup period. I even gave my blog password to my ex so that he could write me love posts for me to read. Lol. Of course, I changed it afterwards and never let him invade my own personal space. Yes, I learned that even in relationships, one must learn to save some personal space for oneself, in the name of privacy and protection.

I used to portray a strong and confident facade in order to hide my past insecurities, which often caused people to mistake me as being arrogant. All my past insecurities were written onto this loyal blog, and when I read back, I could not recognize the person I used to be. To be honest, try to ask my close high school friends who I used to be and who I am today. We are totally different, so different that I could not recognize the old me. Probably I was in the process of self-searching. I was a teenager after all.

I like the current me. Yes, I do. I have not completed the self-searching journey, but I can say I have searched 80% of the inner me. Through experiences, through hardship, through disappointments, through tough love from genuine friends (note: GENUINE friends who accept you despite your flaws) and of course, I must give credit to God. My journey in life is arranged by Him, because He knows better than I do.

I am actually more confident today. MUCH more confident. I dare to voice out my opinions and defend them, as odd as they sound. I dare to be weird, because somewhere in this world people will like my quirky antics. I used to believe that I worth a lot because I have many suitors, but now I know I was totally wrong. My self-worth is not determined by how many suitors pursued me or even had a stalker (gives me creep until now whenever I think of it), but rather, it is determined by myself and not anyone else. YOU alone know how much you are worth, not anyone else. That much I know. If I think I am awesome, then I am awesome and then people will start thinking I am awesome too. Well, I am awesome. People cannot get enough of me. People feel like slapping me because of my perasan-ness at times, but at the end of the day, they still love me.

I am moving on, and deleting my past insecurities is one of the ways. Sure, people may say that I am a coward by deleting it. But I beg to differ that. I am courageous enough to read my past posts before deleting it, shows that I am ready to move on and no longer look back. No one looks at the back when they walk to the front. They only feel the need of looking back when they realized they have left something behind. I have not leave anything behind, so I do not need to look back. Walao sound so confident ehh :P and besides, why should I let the public dig out my past insecurities, which only me and selected few should know?

I am done ranting.

I'll Try My Best

 **this is my 2010 post and I seriously do not know how this end up here. But anyway, here goes. Contemplated on deleting this or not but I decided not to in the end.

Somehow, I felt like I tasted shit inside my mouth. For some reason I'm obsessed with the word "kanasai". Heh. Bad influence for the baby if I kept on mentioning kns in front of him =.=

Well, it took me a lot of courage to type all these out. I just need to let it all out, say goodbye and move on. Not worth dwelling over something that has been already broken and no longer be saved.

It's over, it's a past and it's no longer worth thinking about. When I think back rationally it is partly my fault all these shit happened. There is one time I wished I could turn back time and change everything. Then maybe these shit will not happen. However, what he did was totally wrong and I can never accept it. He broke his promise. I foolishly ate his sweet talks and his empty promises while treated me like a fool when I was in Miri. Maybe some girls could, but not me. NO, as much as I love him, I can never accept this. I can accept anything but this.

I really thank Lord for letting me see all these while it is not too late. It's better to be sad now than to feel sorry later. If it goes on, I am afraid I could not turn back. I am grateful that everything ended, well, not the way I want, but still, it ends here. Maybe we're just not meant to be, and he's not strong enough to fight for our relationship. He chose to let it fall apart; he chose to betray me, which shows he was not meant to spend his lifetime with me.

As much as I am angry towards him, I guess I should find myself some time to cool myself down. To think through everything. After all, we had our good times together. I will try my best to move on and to be strong. Not worth wasting my tears for someone who does not treasure me and this relationship right? However, I will try my best to forgive him. One day. But not now. I really need time to forgive.

For "him"(if he EVEN reads this blog):
I wish you and the girl happiness in your new-found relationship. She is willing to go against all odds to be with you, even if it means hurting me. But I doubt she cares anyway. Here. I paved a way so that both of you can go official. Whatever you do, you feel and you think from now on has nothing to do with me at all.

Ill and Still Writing

Today is Saturday, and I am down with sore throat and slight fever. I lost my lovely high-pitch voice! :( it was a pity, because my loud and powerful soprano-ish voice is gone. I think I am not even reaching tenor. Probably a baritone???

I glanced through my emails and am amazed that how my previous emails have arrived to today's. From ssssygirl_dahotchick@hotmail.com, sw3et_personal@hotmail.com to finally jess.tbl@gmail.com. What on earth was I thinking back then? Lol. But I dare say I was not the only one! All sorts of cutesy and fancy-flowerish names came out on emails back then in high school. I was lucky to have my sw3et_personal being hacked, hence using jess.tbl@gmail.com onwards as my official email. Anything feel free to email me there kay? :)

Update: MH370 flight is hijacked, according to sources. I personally do not care what happened to the plane and the whereabouts. All I am concerned is that every single one, if not all of the passengers and crew are alive and in one piece. Whether there is any hijacking or runaway or literally vanishing into another dimension, what matters the most is that they are all alive. Think of the families who worry about them everyday. Let's just hope the hijackers do not harm any single lives there.

Okay, rants aside.

I had a conversation with a lovely friend about her relationship with her long-term boyfriend and her parent's approval. They are of the same race and religion, and they are currently experiencing LDR. Her mother did not approve her dating in college, and she had to go out all the way to make her relationship work. They are one sweet couple, and I sincerely hope they can get married and have beautiful babies. I am sure her baby will be as beautiful as her.

I understand that in the olden days, the children's wedding solely depends on the parents, or the grandparents. This is because to them, marriage is a bond between two families, and the parents will of course choose families that benefit them. That being said, their children are like bridges to link two families. That is why you see rich marry the rich and poor marry the poor. Birds of the same feather flock together. Because of that, the social status exists and are divided into different groups/castes/layers.

However, in today's modern society, children are well-equipped with individualism and their own unique vision of who and what they want to be. That of course, includes the type of person they want to spend the rest of their lives with. So why do parents still want to interfere with the children's choice of life partners? I heard a friend who wanted to marry a girl of different race got an immediate disapproval from his mother. They eventually got married at ROM, without any ceremony because his mother did not give them any blessing. They had a son now, and till today, his mother still do not accept her as her daughter-in-law.

It is a sad thing. As much as we individuals like to choose our own partner, but our parents' blessing is still very much important to us. Having parents' blessing over marriage is like having some elders to be happy for our choice of life partner and our choice of path taken. Hence, I hope that when we become parents someday, give freedom for our children to choose their partners of their own. However, if our sons chose a girl who is obviously a gold digger, just make sure that the girl do not dig so much of his money. What to do right, he loves her so much not to be able to see her real face. Because gold diggers are usually very beautiful and attractive.

Feminism and Sexual Harrassment

A few days ago, my friend shared this video on the problems that occurred in this male-dominating society. The video clearly depicts how women are suppressed sexually and had to succumbed to taking faults despite it is NOT their fault at all.

I thought of writing this post for a very, very long time. My latest physical sexual harassment encounter was during the soft opening ceremony at The Library in Kuching. Some bastard just grabbed my ass and put his finger through my asshole and left. When I wanted to find out who was that, it was pretty darn difficult, because he was wearing jeans and black T-shirt. I was shocked that I almost cried on the spot. Someone actually dared to harass a girl at the opening ceremony. I had thought of either causing a turmoil out of it to find out the molester, or to let it die down and cry silently inside. Like what most female in today's society, I chose the latter. Most of my friends are female, and as pissed as they are, we have no male counterparts to actually man up and find out the molester. I, like most women, often succumbed to seclusion and chose to be oppressed. So what if I lodge a police report? Like the video, they will say "no proof", "no witness" and "absurd statement" as it happened during a soft opening, not in clubs.

But the more I think of it, the more I felt displeased. Why should I be the one suffering from this fucked-up sexual harassment thing? Why should I be told to "dress more decently next time" or "be careful" instead of telling the bastard to "stop disrespecting women"? It is not like I literally flashed my ass to him and asked him to grab it. I was just partying with my girlfriends that night. What gave him the right to grab my ass just like that? What gave him the right to disrespect women and treat them as sexual objects?

A friend tried to console me by saying, "At least this shows you are attractive." I replied by saying this experience is degrading my value, not the other way round. I being attractive is one thing, but I allowing him to grab my ass is another thing. There are two different things, and they should NOT be put together at all. If I am attractive to him, why can't he grow a pair and approach me and ask for my number? I would at least appreciate that rather than him harassing me in the name of me being "attractive". Bullshit. Rubbish. Molesters do not care whether you are attractive or not. They just see you as an object for them to fulfill their sexual desires.

Verbal abuse is also common in this fucked up society. I do not usually face such problems in Kuching as I have my own car and often visit places that have low chance of meeting those bastards, i.e. shopping malls, hotels, cafes and restaurants. These things occasionally happen, but I can always run to my car and drive off. However, in Senadin, Miri, I often face this kind of problem. I am innocently crossing the road to the shoplots to buy myself lunch, and I often get some rude whistles and names by those bastards. Some men even tried to grab me along the road while riding motorcycles. Those people who have said I care too much and think too much when I complained to them CLEARLY do not know what does respecting women means. What have I done to deserve such treatment by them? Being called amoi cutie saya suka punggung u out loud on the street is NOT NICE AT ALL. Rather than asking me to ignore them, why not ask them to stop doing these to me and all the other innocent women? It'll be a different story though if those women flashed themselves to them deliberately, or wear lingeries outside the house. That is like a red flag for them to ask to be harassed. But me? I only wear shorts and singlet/T-shirt. That does not spell "come and fuck me". Fuck you all for those who ask me to wear long pants and long sleeve shirt to walk around my neighbourhood nearby just to buy dinner. Don't blame me for wearing clothes that are comfortable, but blame those bastards for not able to respect women.

I really hope the society will soon wake up and realize that the mentality of asking women "not to get raped" is wrong. It will never stop if we ask women to hide themselves in the cocoon to avoid getting raped. Instead, we should start instilling the thought of asking men "not to rape". By stopping the cause of rape cases, which are obviously men, then we can reduce the rape cases altogether, if not completely eradicate it. Unless of course, women deliberately flashed their private parts right in front of those men and ended up getting raped. That, to me, is truly them asking to get raped.

I seriously do not want to get harassed anymore, physically or verbally :(

CNY-Body

Hello! As we all know CNY is around the corner and that only means one thing. WEIGHT GAIN! I have been gaining weight, for an embarrassing increase of 4-5kg ever since I came back home >< let the pictures speak for themselves:

Chubby face. Ahhh all the good fatty food run to my face!

The obvious proof of weight gain. Look at those flabby arms!

Okay. My point of this post is not to cry over my weight gain or to encourage people to lose weight like hell. No we must not do so. Not when we seem desperate to do so.

I mean it is not wrong to be skinny. Some people are just born skinny. I know a few friends who still stay skinny no matter how much they eat. I am not going to post their photos because of privacy policy, so I decided to post celebrities who are famous for huge appetite yet managed to stay slim (not like I know there are a lot of celebrities who are like that but here goes).

1. Im Yoona (SNSD member)

I choose this picture mainly (and probably the only reason) because of the LEGSOH THE LEGS. I CAN NEVER HAVE SUCH LEGS IN A MILLION YEARS. BLAME THE GENES.

Yoona's famous for being a HUGE eater and yet still maintains her skinny physique. She is one of those girls who are truly lucky to be able to eat as much as she can and yet still stay skinny. Genetics, people so don't go starving yourselves to look like her. I, for one, know that I can never look like her, especially the legs. OH THE LEGS.

Genetics. Oh well be thankful I have two legs to walk and run.

My legs are actually longer than my peers, but because of its thick size, they appear short whenever I was photographed solo. I know no one is perfect, but at the same time it can be extremely annoying. Some of my peers who are shorter than me look tall because of their thin legs. Now you see how much a pair of legs play a role in your life, in terms of vanity. LOL. I am still grateful with my legs LAH, though not proud of it. There, I am just being honest.

2. Blake Lively

Gossip Girl fans will definitely know Blake. What some of them may not know is that Blake has higher-than-usual metabolism and can stay skinny despite eating A LOT. 

I found bikini pictures but decided not to put them because who wears bikini during CNY?

Jealous much? You can try getting involved in scandalous issues and handle them; these require energy and can make you skinny eventually. Yes, I know that is lame. I AM ENVIOUS MAH.

Lol I cannot think of any other celebrities. Let's not count Rosie Huntington-Whiteley because she works out A LOT, despite eating like a man.

Point is, for those who are conscious over their body shape, good luck in controlling. If you have found a way to resist abundant beers, juicy bak gua (I hate bak gua personally but it's majority's favourite so yeah) and keropok, keropok and KEROPOK during CNY visiting, do let me know. It is rude to not eat the guests' food just for the sake of "controlling". Those hosts will think, "Why during CNY? Normal times no time to diet meh?" Anyway, my family did not buy many cookies this year because most of our guests are adults who are conscious about their diet, so we decided not to waste money on those and spent more on clothes (YES). What about the prosperous CNY eve's dinner? The 8-10 course meals are enough to make you feel fat for a few days. Tell me how you want to resist those? It's a once a year thing. Unless you come out with healthy CNY eve's dishes, you Chinese are doomed to get fat. That includes me.

As for those who eat first, and then complain after that, think of ways to lose weight. Don't do stupid stuff like going all anorexic, taking slimming medicines and drastic starvation because you will end up looking worse. I have never been there, but I have seen some and none of them ended up any good. Basic rule: Slow and steady. Eat clean and exercise regularly. Slow but permanently effective. And if you can never get the body like Yoona or Blake, accept the progress. Be proud of your own body. You work hard on it, you get the body you deserve.

For those who are still skeptical about being proud of your own body which do not look like Yoona's even after workout, check out this girl's Instagram. She may not own a supermodel's body, but at least she is getting the body she deserves after all the workout. We need more people like her!

For those lucky bitches who can stay skinny even after binging during CNY period, be thankful and don't do anything stupid to your body. You yourself know very well you look good and many girls envy you, so stay that way.

For those unluckier ones like me who will permanently have bigger body frame and/or exaggerating curvy figure and/or bigger-than-ideal legs, be thankful that you have a perfect set of body, although the society does not regard yours as ideal. Be different! Be unique! Even if 9 out of 10 boys say you are big-sized and heavy and they prefer petite women, still be proud. Fuck those boys! Your body is meant to please your own vanity, not theirs. And more importantly, choose the type of clothes that best suits and fits you, not those closest to ideal (size ZERO/XS). You may wear size L and still look as gorgeous, if not more as compared to a size zero supermodel.

Let me show you an example of myself who is extremely comfortable with my own body despite being far from ideal.

Cropped my poor friend away in the name of PRIVACY

Confidence >> Society standards :)

Okay bye.