Inspired To Make Mistakes

Welcome back, blog. It has been a while. Assignments, exams, exams. I finally have time to watch series, and at the same time I have time to sleep. However, until now, I find no inspiration to write anything. Hence, this blog post serves as my strong attempt to revive my dead blog. I am inspired by the articles I have read about the great escape and also the series "Breaking Bad".

Born in a traditional Chinese family with conservative Asian culture, I have always been taught to avoid making mistakes. Once you have done a mistake, you can no longer be saved. To them, mistakes is like opening a Pandora's box - once you open it, there is no turning back. Ever since small, I was taught to score well in academics and be an achiever in school. I am not exactly a top achiever, but I achieved quite a number of things to be labelled as a good student.

I remembered when I was small, I used to talk a lot and give weirdest ideas and opinions. My opinions however, can be pretty blunt and will offend people. Hence, my family have always taught me not to express my opinions. I am taught to obey, and if I do not, I will be punished for it. I had always try to question to oppose their rules, and as a result, I often get some beatings. Because of that, I have grown up to be non-expressive and always hide my own desires and opinions so as to please others. This is because, I was afraid if I do so, I will be labelled as "mistake".

University life, however, have changed me. I learned to make decisions on my own and express my desire. From there, I actually learned that engineering is not my cup of tea at all and I find no absolute passion in designing, as compared to writing and studying human psychology. I met a few awesome people who actually gave me courage to pursue my own self and finding individuality in myself. How do I do that? By making mistakes, of course.

Mistakes come from choices. Each one of us have choices to make, and every choice has some probability for mistakes to happen. Take me as an example. I could have chosen to study Psychology in Monash, but instead I took the scholarship to study engineering in Curtin. It was definitely a mistake. I have no interest or passion in studying something as dry as calculus and transport phenomena. I sometimes wondered how did I even survive chemical engineering. Things would be different though, if I took psychology, which is my passion. But I have made a mistake, and what can I do? Cry over spilt milk? I made a choice because I thought it was the right thing to do, only to find out that it was a mistake. Getting stuck in an outskirt for 4 years studying a course I dislike sounds very depressing. But, what if we make the mistakes turn into something right instead? Sure, engineering is a depressing degree (not to all, but for me at least), and at most I can only bag a 2nd Upper Hon from it. But, to look at it at a brighter point of view, I can actually make money out of it. And engineering actually sharpens my problem-solving skills. I actually think faster outside the box whenever it comes to solving problems in real-life situation. And engineering actually teaches me to become a bridge between sociology and science. Knowledge is useless unless we apply it. That is what I learned from engineering.

To make mistakes however, one must be daring enough to take a step forward. I find out that most Asians are taught to avoid mistakes so much that most of the time, they often opt for the safest option. I find this rather conflicting with my teammates for Design Project as I argued to do something outstanding, yet they argued back that it is better to opt for the safe side so that the marks can be secured. I had to follow on because it was majority so yeah. However, deep down inside, I would like to be something out of the ordinary, because since I am doing a course which is not my interest at the first place, I might as well do something different, my way, to make the fullest out of it. If not I will be wasting my life forcing myself to do things I do not like, and as if studying the course I do not like is not enough already. I do not regret the decision to play safe though, because at the end of the day, we are only undergraduates who are still learning.

I seriously want to blame the CGPA requirement in companies for making us square students (no offence, but everyone who is like this has to admit this) who follow all the rules and textbooks just to pass. Ironically, I am one of them who do it, because I am afraid to fail and repeat the subjects. I am afraid to get terminated from the university, because I do not have any confidence to outshine other than a university degree. I depend too much on a university degree to determine my future. Then again, this is another mistake that I have done.

I always admire those teenagers in western television on how far they are willing to let go just to pursue their dreams. They leave their homes, they leave their education and they leave their bounds just to make their dreams come true. Becoming a model, an actress, a singer, a photographer, a volunteer, a musician, a cook, an owner of a shop, a mechanic, anything. They may undergo many difficulties along the way, and realized that they have made a wrong choice, which is also a mistake, but what do they get at the end of the day? Experience. Experience can never be bought with money. Experience can never be gotten back with time. That is why going to jail is the worst punishment ever, because it is wasting the time they have to obtain experience.

Making mistakes is what shapes an individual. Because of the mistakes I have done in the past, I am what I am today. Blunt and straightforward, paranoid, calculative, selfish and a coward. Yet, I know I will have soft spot for everything (of which my friends often said I will easily be taken advantage of). I still stick to being who I am, and continue making mistakes, because each mistake leads to an experience which will somehow change my life, if not myself. I am already like this, so my personality will bring me this kind of experience. What if I am daring enough to change myself? Surely the experience will be different right? Should I try? Hehe.

However, making mistakes too can permanently change someone's life, and the person itself. Some mistakes that have been done is too severe that they find no way to turn back. Like murdering someone. Once they started murdering a person, they will be traumatized by the fact that they took away someone's life just like that. Because of that, they began to feel comfortable taking away another person's life. This eventually lead them into becoming a psychotic murderer. This kind of mistake is what no one wants to make. But I believe that the cause of this mistake is always something unwanted and they are being suppressed until they have no more choice left except to make that kind of mistake, to avoid being suppressed.

My religion, which is Christianity, emphasizes on forgiveness. Jesus is willing to die so that all of us are given a second chance to live a clean, sinless life. How? By bearing all of our sins onto His shoulders. But how many second chances can we get in our lives? Sometimes we miss many good things in our life simply because we either let it go, or we made the other choice which is a mistake. That, I am sure is the primary reason why people are so afraid of making mistakes. Because they believe there is no second chances. But imagine most people in this world are willing to forgive, and to give another chance to one another. Surely this place will be a better place to live right? It is sad though that by human nature, majority will abuse the second chance given. Because they know they have the second chance, which in Christianity, is the forgiveness by God through Jesus' sacrifice, hence they began sinning deliberately and then asking for forgiveness at church. This kind of mistake is the worst kind of mistake, because by doing so it causes them to be labelled as hypocrite.

I can go on ranting about mistakes, but I am now feeling famished because it is dinner time, so I shall stop here. Probably I will continue about mistakes in the next post, if I feel like doing so.

p/s: It feels good writing after stopping for a long time :)

Makes me Happy

I am a hopelessly romantic dreamer and I am not easily happy, it seems. Yet at the same time I realized there are many things that can just make me happy. Lol.

Good food makes me happy. That's for sure. I eat anything as long as they are delicious and are not exotic meat. Of course, they must be clean and not diarrhea-guarantee :P

Shopping makes me happy. I love shopping for lovely goods.

Dressing up makes me happy. I like looking pretty. I don't mind going through an extra mile to look prettier than I usually look. That's why I try to look as plain as possible, like a plain Jane, so that when I actually dress up, I will look much prettier than usual.

Spa makes me happy. It feels good to be massaged, pampered and relaxed.

Working hard and then getting the results I expected makes me happy. It feels good to know that my investment pays off.

A warm home makes me happy. Nothing feels better than to find a place to lean back to after a tiring day.

Mother's homecooked food makes me happy. A taste of home is nowhere to be found other than, home.

Jewelries make me happy. I like pretty, shiny things to mix and match with.

Perfumes make me happy. I like smelling lovely scent. And I like to smell like one.

Wine makes me happy. I like the feeling wine to flow into my head.

Coffee makes me happy. A strong coffee with a strong aroma calms me and at the same time excites me. How contradicting can it be?

Flowers make me happy. I like to see beautiful flowers blossoming to become the most beautiful plant ever.

Music makes me happy. Music is the sole purpose of life. Without music, our life will be colourless. I can actually spend hours listening to music only.

Stuffed animals make me happy. The warm, soft thing to cuddle to sleep makes me sleep better. Too bad I have none here.

Hug makes me happy. It feels good to be wrapped around in arms. I feel more assured, safer and warmer.

Kiss makes me happy. It is a beautiful sign of affection, a warm, wet contact with one another to show love.

Driving makes me happy. It actually releases stress along the road. Hehe.

Sleeping makes me happy. I can dream and separate myself from this harsh reality.

I guess that's it for now. I am lazy, Gah. 

Harsh Truth

A friend once said, "Why not you just love him unconditionally without asking for anything in return? Seriously, if you even consider anything, that is no longer unconditional."

I answered, "Why, won't that make the other person awkward, especially when he has NO feelings for you at all?"

I just find the need to type this fucking shit out. Embrace it. This world is selfish on its own. The love unconditionally only exists if the other person also has feelings for you and is willing to accept your love. If the other person does not want to accept, then what is the point? It is like throwing salt into sea water. Pointless and waste of salt. We do not live in fairy tales okay?

Welcome to adulthood. To me, our hypocrisy increases as we grow up. What attracts the other person is in fact, the packaging. People like beautiful, gorgeous women, with some secrets and mystery hidden beneath the pretty face. The deeper they try to dig in, the more it is for them to find out. Like a beautiful gift wrapped in lovely gift wrapper. I am sure no one will be appealed with a present wrapped inside newspaper right? Because that is what I normally do.

I naively believed that as long as I was sincere and be my real self, then everything will be fine. People will eventually accept me for who I am. No, I am wrong. People do take notice of the packaging. There is a reason why every gift is nicely-wrapped. There is a reason why people even sell gift boxes. Packaging is THAT important.

Whoever created the story that as long as you sincerely love someone, someday you will be appreciated is clearly bullshitting. I never see that coming. No.

But look at the bright side lah. At least I am a good friend. I deserve a "best friend" award. Lol.

p/s: I know this post sounds bitter. But it is a reflection of how I felt at that time. So please don't judge or speculate. I appreciate that a lot.