We Are So Busy Growing That We Forgot Our Parents Are Growing Old

Happy that I am finally settling down properly in KL after like...two months? I am pretty impressed that I am able to make it all alone. Most of my colleagues were like, wow you are so brave oh! Okay I guess I should not get carried away and move on with my main topic of this blog post, as stated in the title.

I make bigger decisions in life, such as which insurance to buy and what credit card to take. On top of that, I start to spend practically, rather than splurging all at one go once I get my pay like how I used to. I even put away the thought of purchasing Big Bang concert even though it was only a stone throw away from my current humble abode. Fuck YOLO. I've decided to live practicality. Besides, my obsession for Big Bang has gone down and I have decided to be just happy by listening to their songs. *playing Lies by Big Bang currently*

I thought of my future for the past few days. I really want to work my way up, by starting off doing hands-on work and stop to take up Masters and then continue my way up real high. I thought of how I can actually achieve by doing so, and what should I do to achieve. I thought of many many things, such as when can I actually buy a property and what can I do with it. And even considering of buying either a 2nd hand car or a new car.

I guess all of you get the rough idea of what I am trying to say next. For every second we are maturing, our parents are aging at the same time. We are truly growing up when this dawned on us that our parents are retiring and becoming tired as well. Some of us may be starting a business, working on their way on becoming a manager or close to obtaining PhD. Or some of us may even get married and starting a new family. Whatever it is, for every new milestone each of pave through, our parents are getting old.

I started realizing this during my graduation. My parents are really old when they attended my graduation ceremony, as compared to when they attended my prize-giving ceremony during Form 5. Needless to day, they were even younger when they attended my first piano performance when I was 7. And they were even younger when my mother gave birth to me. The sad and yet beautiful thing is that time is irreversible, and what's left are only memories.

I guess we are not the only ones that forgot about that fact. Our parents too, have forgotten that we are all grown up and are capable of taking care of ourselves. In their eyes, we always remain as the little boy or girl whom they love so much. My parents often worry about me, despite the fact that I have started working and making my own decisions (to even owning a tattoo). But the real wake-up call was during this scenario, when my mom found out I made a tattoo.

Mom: Was it painful?
Me: What painful?
Mom: Your strikingly big tattoo ah.
Me: Oh that? *shit*
Mom: Looks nice.
Me: Thanks.

My heart saddened by a little after the conversation. My mom knew I was no longer 18 and I am capable of making decisions on my own. But at the same time that means she was aging as well. I do not know how much more can I give them while I am still working on over there. I am working hard to give them as much as I can while they are still alive and moving, but I do not know when will be the time.

I hope for those who stumbled upon this blog, appreciate the time you have while your parents are still alive and moving. Try to give them your time, because time is more precious than money. Within the time given, try to make it quality time by behaving. Not being rebellious because it breaks their heart. I only get to see all these when I am over 21, so I hope all of you can see it earlier than that. The earlier you see it, the more happier time your parents will have.

I shall end this post with a belated Mother's Day and an early Father's Day wish for my parents. They may not read this, but I hope and pray that they receive this wish.

p/s: I am definitely far from ready for parenthood. I still need a lot of time for myself, so much that I am unable to give it to them children.

Updates, Insecurity and Dreams

I have not updated my baby blog that is short to a decade years old by just one year. Next year my blog will be TEN YEARS OLD YAY. I think this blog has grown up with me from my super insecure, indecisive and clueless 16-year-old me to currently still insecure, partly indecisive but no longer clueless 24 going on 25 me.

Anyway, for updates, I quit Teach For Malaysia last year, taught in an all-boys' school for a month plus and then am currently working as an assistant project engineer in a small engineering firm in KL. Yes this baby girl who has been living in Sarawak all her life is currently residing in the big city of Peninsular. I do not start off in huge oil and gas companies like Petronas or Shell. I am just helping out in documentation and dealing with clients in a security supplier company in a local company. But look at the bright side; I start off small so that I have more space to climb up!

Despite being at where I am now, I at least have many many spaces left to dream big. My ambition to take up masters has not died down yet. Masters in Engineering, to be exact. Funny how eight years ago I dreamt of taking up a degree in something totally different and today I want to take up Masters in a course I never thought of doing years back. I need like, three years of self-development in terms of experience technically and emotionally before I can actually handle myself in a bigger metropolitan in the West. Being a dreamer, I actually surveyed postgraduate universities and actually made up my mind to study in which university, and will definitely work my way to make sure I get into THAT PARTICULAR university even though I graduate from an Australian university (which is not even listed in Group of Eight). Sounds sad, but it's not. I am glad I went to Curtin Miri instead.

I wonder if I start small today and end up being some big shot (and if possible getting married to another big shot man who is around my age or slightly older la not an already successful old man), will I read back this blog and laugh at my younger self? Yes it is better to marry a potentially successful ambitious man rather than a man that has already achieved it. Why do I say so? I want to be there for him when he is at his lowest so that when he is at his best, he will know that I am the only one who deserves to be with him when he is at the top MUAHAHAHAHA. I know, so realistic. But I will do the same what, letting him handle my worst so that I will give him my best (the most beautiful inner side of me, which do I even have one). 

Which leads to my next dream. My dream of meeting the perfect, handsome, tall, suave, intelligent, romantic and rich guy with charm and sophistication and DIMPLE has died. Really died. I cannot even picture any guy inside my head anymore should any question regarding my ideal guy is directed to me. I come to this understanding that YOU ATTRACT WHO YOU ARE. Being a quirky and socially awkward introvert, I attract somehow socially awkward men as well in some ways (or at least that are sociable but actually an introvert on the inside). I am so weird that I express myself better in words and letters rather than by actions and whatever it is bla bla bla. And whenever any guy asks me out I would think like, WHAT MAKES YOU LIKE ME AH? What do I have that makes you even want to be with me? Is there no other woman in this world for you to choose rather than me? Are you desperate that is why you choose me? I am weird and so introverted and clumsy why do you even consider me? HAHAHAHA PLEASE TELL ME I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE :P

My dream of achieving the body I want (lean yet sexy) is now going further as I currently sprained my leg and am not supposed to go to gym for at least two weeks. SO MANY THINGS CAN BE DONE IN 2 WEEKS. Just as I lost a handsome amoung of 4kgs in a month plus and added in muscles in my body, WHY LA MY ANKLE HAS TO SPRAIN. Never mind tomorrow I go do upper body workout okay. Because I am not drop dead gorgeous I want to at least work to get a drop dead gorgeous body so yeah there goes I am being insecure again.

Please tell me I am sharing this on behalf of half of the female population in this world.

And I do not regret starting career late at the age of 25 when my peers started theirs at 23 or even 22. I have been to most places (metaphorically ah) they have not been to. I will have less "what ifs" and will be less clueless. Being someone indecisive, I truly need to taste many things before deciding one. Which is why I am better off being with a boyfriend who is dominant and takes charge so that I do not have to decide on little silly things like where to eat and what to do on a date. Let him handle. Let him decide for me. I will have more time and energy to focus on more important things like what to do next in my career. Really, I cannot focus on too many things at one go. Unlike most women, I am bad at multitasking.

I guess that is it for now. I am liking the view outside the window of the coffee shop I am now *random*.