Yes I Quit Teach For Malaysia and Am Currently Jobless

I made one of the biggest decision in my life so far last Monday, which was to quit Teach For Malaysia. Several months back, I raved on how passionate and how much I wanted to do something meaningful and worthwhile to give back to the society, and the post showed it all. And I just resigned from Teach For Malaysia a few days ago! Surprise! I know, there will be a few thoughts about this matter:

1) She ranted about how passionate she was and now she ended up quitting. Typical hypocrite.

2) She was just like everyone else. Unable to go through minor obstacles. How to succeed?

3) I knew it she is not fit to be a teacher from the very beginning. Time wasted liao lor.

4) So indecisive.

Bah if there is one thing I truly learn to practice, it would be NOT TO JUDGE ANYONE WHEN THEY DID SOMETHING SEEMINGLY UNSAVOURY. And a golden advice from my dear friend: DO NOT GIVE ANY FUCKS. Yes I chose my own happiness over other people's judgement, thus I quit.

But one thing I dislike is that I had to disclose certain matters which I was not comfortable sharing, then ended up with people surrounding me with, "Are you okay? How are you feeling now? I hope you are fine." thing. No I hate people sympathizing me. No please don't ask me to stay strong and to be okay! Yes wish me luck in my future career and tell me we will meet again, but please, don't touch my personal matter and ask if I am okay or not. Please if you are able to read the weather please don't ask me, as kind-hearted as you are. I appreciate it but it makes me uncomfortable at the same time. Just wish me luck okay?

Anyway, back to me resigning from Teach For Malaysia. Sorry to say that my heart is no longer there, no longer wanting to serve the government, no longer wanting to be entangled in the fucked-up education politics, and my heart wants to earn money more. And, my heart wants to do a job which requires me to think super critically, solve problems and deal with objects. My heart does not want to mess with the students' lives, because I am currently unfit to influence/inspire/motivate any kid. Because my heart can no longer inspire the kids like how I inspired the kids during ROS, the following 2 years of fellowship will be extremely long for me.

My heart wants to go back to learning something new and technical and hands-on. My heart wants me to take up a manly job into the field as an engineer, earning respect and leadership from the crew and at the same time money. My heart wants to learn more about engineering field while I am still at the peak age of building my career. Most of all, my heart wants to be a successful female engineer. As much as I love English, there are some things which I cannot turn back, like taking up psychologist or creative writing anymore. I have lived my life as an engineering student and currently I want to be an engineer. I guess I am thankful to Teach For Malaysia to open my eyes finally and to see what do I want to see myself as 10 years down the road. Because I cannot see myself as a teacher at all.

Education inequity is evident, and I would like to play a part in eradicating it. But not by being a teacher, performing in front of students. I am not a performer. I prefer to be the behind-the-scenes person. I do not like to shine, but I like to rack my brains overnight and help other people shine. Probably one day I can organize an NGO in Sarawak for the super rural students and help them (with the help of the future TFM alumni muahahahhaa), but not now. I just want to be selfish for now while I still can.

I quit despite risking not being able to find a job for months. I quit despite knowing that it is difficult to find another job outside. I quit risking losing an income. Why? 

Because life is short. Because in a blink of an eye, a few seconds has passed. Time is irreversible and I do not want to waste time doing something I am not happy doing. I want to earn money and be successful in my career, as an oil and gas engineer. I want to use the money to help my family and travel around the world while playing violin and learning Muay Thai. I want to give my family a better life. I want to, at least once, maybe not next year and next next year, but someday, just once, to complete a full marathon. I want to buy any clothes of any brand without having to look at price tag first. I want to look out of my apartment window and see high-rise buildings, feeling energetic to rack my brains and being labelled as a workaholic. I was already labelled as a workaholic even during my PSP in TFM. My face has "workaholic" written all over me. But workaholic in other aspects.

I have changed. One thing for sure. No longer innocent, more cynical, more doubtful, but deep down wishing and hoping that I can be innocent and gullible and green and believe in everything good for all I want without doubting, doubting and doubting. It is tiring to be realistic. I want to believe that there is good in everyone, and they can feel warmth, kindness and love. That people can be nice to anyone without hoping for anything in return.

Hey, I am jobless right now. And I want a job. I do not quit to sit at home doing nothing. I will go crazy if I do.

I am still unsure of my future to be honest, despite knowing very well what I want. I guess leave everything to God for now...