In case you do not already know, I have been transferred to Bintulu from Kerteh early this year. 1 Jan to be exact. Truth to be told, I do not exactly wish to be transferred back to Bintulu. I would very much prefer Miri as the living cost is significantly lower, I have better social life there and there are more eatery choices. But who am I to complain anyway, as Bintulu has actually so much more to offer. At least more than Kerteh. You cannot find Korean food in Kerteh, but you can find not one, but TWO Korean eateries. I liked one of them (Hanwoori) because the food was cooked by a Korean, thus the legit Korean food being served, which was close to what I had in Seoul. I tried to make it a weekly treat to feed myself their kimchi jigae as it is a healthier alternative of luxury to me compared to steak or pasta.
I am sure most of you would have known that my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer last year and underwent surgery for the damned tumour removal in November. Because fighting cancer was a long batter and it will not easily go away with just one surgery, I had to make sure that I was within reach from home. Kerteh definitely wasn't, as I had to either take a bus (6 hours) or drive (4 hours) to KLIA, before riding on a 2-hour flight back to Kuching. Even if I wasn't a doctor and I could not do anything to heal her medically, I could at least get back home more often and try my best to give her as much morale support as possible.
2018 wasn't a smooth year to begin with, despite the good news of my exodus to Bintulu. I was assigned into a fertilizer plant, which consist of mainly ammonia and urea. I was assigned to be in-charge of ammonia (yes I smell toxic). Taking care of a plant that is more than 30 years old is truly a chore, especially when there are leaks and breakdowns happening almost every week. And I thought my previous plant was pretty bad. I was exposed to many types of toxic gases, namely hydrogen sulphide, ammonia, carbon monoxide and methane. As if this wasn't bad enough, I could tell that the culture was similar everywhere as long as the company is under the same mother company. Someone once quoted, "What differentiates you and everyone else is not how much you give, but how much the bosses know you". Pretty disheartening, I shall say. I can go on forever but I shall not disclose too much here.
It has been ages since I last ranted here. Judging at the current pace of my career development, I am absolutely sure I am going nowhere if this continues. Changing job at this time is definitely a no-no as I have my own commitment (read the 2nd paragraph). Masters? I just blew away my chance with Chevening, and besides, their "return to home country for 2 years" kinda turns me off so maybe it was not meant to be. It is not easy to change Malaysia, the fucked up government or even my organization unless I am a very prominent somebody. I had this experience at Teach For Malaysia when I realized that I was a nobody and contributed nothing except my 2 years to students for 2 years. I knew that there was not much to be done and could be done by even TFM, let alone the fellows. I knew I was branded as "selfish" and "hypocrite" when I made that decision to leave TFM right before the placement. But again, whatever I foresee could not be more right, as I realized that nothing can change anything in Malaysia (Malaysia boleh ma) unless I am VERY, VERY prominent. And to be prominent, I cannot stay in Malaysia for too long. It is damaging (I have seen how my colleagues are damaging the plants, profit and management) and demotivating. I know I am more than what I am today. But the damage done by my country towards me and other Malaysians sometimes tore me apart and burst me into tears. Racism, red tape, unhealthy (a better word to replace lazy) culture, politics over meritocracy (be it education, engineering or healthcare) and the thing that I am most allergic to: Upright stupidity yet God knows where their overflowing confidence comes from, which usually comes along with arrogance. In layman's terms, bodoh sombong. There I said it.
I do not know where will I be in the future. But one thing for sure, I will not just sit there and continue to rot. I will definitely work something out and create a change for myself good enough so that I can make changes one day. Just one day.
The end.
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