Vulnerability

I write this post mainly for myself , but for those clueless women out there who lack confidence as much as I do, feel free to read this and feel better after that :)

Tulips - signifying perfect love :)

I know in every woman's dream, there will be her other significant half holding her hand and finish up the life journey together. For those feminists who claim that they do not need men in their lives, stop living in denial. Deep down inside, every woman wants to find love to fulfill inner desire, nourishment and emptiness in her soul.

I once believed in that dream that I found the one. Despite being a far cry from my typical man I will have crush on (don't try to guess that type thank you), I believed that I was totally in love and will spend the rest of my life with that man. However, things did not end as pretty as I thought. It turned out pretty ugly, and even though I was already over him, the scars remained. There were little things that triggered the sweet memories, which will be followed by the bitter memories, which came with the betrayal. If you are curious, he is currently happy with his girlfriend, but at the same time dwelt over me. No, not really healthy here.

It is not easy for me to type all these. I made a mistake. The thing that stopped me from walking forward was that I was unable to get up totally from the mistake I had made after so long. Three years. I had friends asking me why am I still single and all (even my mother). They thought I was not over him. Wrong. I am over him, and even if one day he came to me and asked me back, I will not go back anymore. But it is the fact that I could not get rid of the scars that stopped me from stepping forward. The fear of making the same mistake with the next man. The fear of not being able to give as much love to the next man after giving so much to the previous one. The fear of betrayal. The fear of him judging me for what I did. The fear of him unable to accept me after knowing more of me. The fear of losing myself on the way so as to please him.

Most important of all, the fear of not being good enough for him. I am not beautiful and definitely far from being gentle. I am extremely emotional, which is the total opposite of a logical and practical typical man. And at the same time, I will always need some space for myself, and I am afraid I am unable to allocate space for him all the time. I am very selfish, and if he has to put up to my selfishness all my life, we will end up quarreling and that will eventually destroy our relationship.

Holding hands is the very first step of relationships, not kisses or caresses other parts of the body

My friend said that if I were unable to get up after so long, I will need a helping hand from a Good Samaritan so that I can have faith in myself, in relationships and in love again. Thing is, it is not easy to find that Good Samaritan who will lend a helping and loving hand. I know there are many guys who go over to you and tell you they fall in love with you or like you a lot without knowing who you truly are. They like you for the looks and how you portray yourself to be. They are unable to see your inner self because they are too blinded with your appearance. What happens if they see your inner, broken self? Will they truly understand your feeling? Or they can pretend to understand your feeling just to have you, and once they do, they do not care any longer? Or they are just simply...lonely? Desperate? No, Good Samaritans are not easy to find.

A Good Samaritan is a guy who is able to penetrate into my inner self, sees them and yet still accepts me for who I am. He will be the one who genuinely understands my pain and sorrow, so the best bet for this Good Samaritan is someone who went through the same pain as I did. Someone who understands the feeling of lost love, of faith that has faded and hope as high as mountains practically vanished in matter of seconds. If a guy loves me but do not understands my pain, he will keep telling me to move on, move on, quit being stupid, why not see the one in front of you and then gets jealous for no reason. Then we will start quarreling. Make sense? And the only person who can gets you out of the fire must be the one who survived the fire itself, because he is the only one who knows how to get out of the fire. But I guess finding this kind of guy is like finding pea in grains of rice, huh?

I am a messed up individual to the fact that I doubt myself sometimes. I know people have always say that for someone to love you I must learn to love myself first. I am loving myself. But the thing is, there are things which I cannot do on my own. I am not strong enough to get up fully, even after so long. I do not have a high confidence, of which most of my friends get irritated with hehe. But at the same time, I have high ego. See how complex and messed up I am? A guy who can handle this complex personality and thoughts of mine is truly a Good Samaritan, which I think is rather difficult to even find, let alone come to me.

But even though things are difficult, I should not lose faith and hope, like what my friends said. Once I give up on myself, that's it. My friends have not given up on me, so why should I give up on myself? I have love myself more for knowing how to prioritize things better now, rather than being more of a people pleaser. I appreciate my friends who have always root for me and cherish me. They are the ones who dare to tell me where my flaws are so that I can improve myself better. To be a better person so that I will live a better life. To be a better person so that I can be more worthy of the Good Samaritan who will hold my hand someday.

I have learned to appreciate myself more than before. Even though I am not beautiful, I can always dress up nicely and look at my very best. This, to boost up confidence. At least I try my best looking my best. I am not gentle, but I am funny at the same time. I make people around me laugh for my quirky antics. My annoying loud voice somehow creates a happening atmosphere. I cherish these gifts of mine which brings others to joy. Although my blunt remarks are somewhat painful, people who truly understand me and care for me will know that my remarks mean no harm, and are more to letting them know what exactly happen. I have this knack for knowing what people think and seeing through most people's personality. It is scarily accurate, yet most of the time I often overlook them. Hahaha. How I see myself can sometimes be correct or wrong, no?

There is a saying which goes," Birds of the same feather flock together". In layman's terms, you attract what you are. So if you want to be with someone you want, firstly improve yourself to be like him/her. Not changing who you are, but try to take up his/her good qualities. But most importantly, accept who you are first. Everything comes after that :)

p/s: For girls who lose faith in themselves, look at the mirror and list out the good things you have. If you cannot find it, drag your close friends and ask them to list them out for you. Along the way you will somehow be able to list them out yourselves ^^