I know. I am too free to actually clean up my blog. I filtered most of my past posts which clearly exposes my vulnerability. I was such a little kid back then to jolt everything down onto this blog whenever I feel down. The posts which especially showed my pain while going through post-breakup syndromes were read, and then deleted. Not because I want to avoid it. I move on already. If I have not move on, how do I even dare to read my past posts, let alone delete it bravely and confidently? I deleted them because I do not want any random stranger to see my past vulnerabilities (and hopefully not in the future as I will limit types of posts I will write).
Looking back, I had my share of foolish and immature things I did back in the past. The stupidest things I had done were during my post-breakup period. I even gave my blog password to my ex so that he could write me love posts for me to read. Lol. Of course, I changed it afterwards and never let him invade my own personal space. Yes, I learned that even in relationships, one must learn to save some personal space for oneself, in the name of privacy and protection.
I used to portray a strong and confident facade in order to hide my past insecurities, which often caused people to mistake me as being arrogant. All my past insecurities were written onto this loyal blog, and when I read back, I could not recognize the person I used to be. To be honest, try to ask my close high school friends who I used to be and who I am today. We are totally different, so different that I could not recognize the old me. Probably I was in the process of self-searching. I was a teenager after all.
I like the current me. Yes, I do. I have not completed the self-searching journey, but I can say I have searched 80% of the inner me. Through experiences, through hardship, through disappointments, through tough love from genuine friends (note: GENUINE friends who accept you despite your flaws) and of course, I must give credit to God. My journey in life is arranged by Him, because He knows better than I do.
I am actually more confident today. MUCH more confident. I dare to voice out my opinions and defend them, as odd as they sound. I dare to be weird, because somewhere in this world people will like my quirky antics. I used to believe that I worth a lot because I have many suitors, but now I know I was totally wrong. My self-worth is not determined by how many suitors pursued me or even had a stalker (gives me creep until now whenever I think of it), but rather, it is determined by myself and not anyone else. YOU alone know how much you are worth, not anyone else. That much I know. If I think I am awesome, then I am awesome and then people will start thinking I am awesome too. Well, I am awesome. People cannot get enough of me. People feel like slapping me because of my perasan-ness at times, but at the end of the day, they still love me.
I am moving on, and deleting my past insecurities is one of the ways. Sure, people may say that I am a coward by deleting it. But I beg to differ that. I am courageous enough to read my past posts before deleting it, shows that I am ready to move on and no longer look back. No one looks at the back when they walk to the front. They only feel the need of looking back when they realized they have left something behind. I have not leave anything behind, so I do not need to look back. Walao sound so confident ehh :P and besides, why should I let the public dig out my past insecurities, which only me and selected few should know?
I am done ranting.
No comments:
Post a Comment