It's embarrassing for me to actually type this, but here goes. Other than excessive boredom, I would also like to exercise my writing skills and learn how to express myself better. I suck because I just can't express myself well. What's past is the past, and what matters now is the present.
Rewind to several years back, I had a taste of my first crush. I was 15 back then, and for someone who do not normally go to tuition and co-curricular activities, my social circle revolves around my classmates, who are all girls. Hence, when I was enrolled into a BM tuition class, I get to know a few boys from other schools. I met my ex-tuitionmate who was the typical kind of guy I like: Tall, good-looking (for me lah), gentlemen and seems nice. At that time, I only had my first taste of Friendster and I actually just got to know some boys via social media rather than by face. Hence, by knowing him in person, and he seems so good, it is natural for girls who reached puberty like me to have a crush on him.
Well, crush being a crush, it was obviously unrequited. I was extremely awkward in socializing back then, so I had difficulty expressing myself. I had some confidence issues as well, because during Form 1 and 2, I was quite thin back then but I started gaining massive weight in Form 3. Maybe I was not pretty enough for him, or so I thought. Besides, I heard stories of him not coming out of the closet further infuriated my inner feminine ego. Unable to express my disappointment due to unrequited crush and such rumours circulating around, I began taking part in accusing him of being "pondan", "sida" and "gay". And one of the most embarrassing things I ever did was to chase after his car in my delicate baju kurung school uniform and apologized to him. Of course, I hoped that he would somehow see some "uniqueness" in me, just like those Taiwanese idol dramas (obviously I watched too much dramas back then) and started to like me.
He never did.
I remembered I cried when he sent me a LOOOONNNNGGGGG message of him expressing his disappointment of me spreading things about him, when I was just spreading things that were already been spread. Me being me, I then continued having this on-off crush on him until the end of Form 5. That was when I found out about my hardcore loyalty towards a guy, thus making a conclusion that any guy who ended up with me is an extremely lucky man because I can be THAT loyal. Coincidentally, we were at the same tuition class again in Form 5. I remembered being shy and awkward enough to embarrass myself in one situation. Here goes:
One day, my ex-crush was having a flu, and he wanted to ask for tissue. He asked from one of my friends, but she did not have it. She asked from another friend of mine, and of course they needed to pass the tissue to him.
I remembered him calling me, but because I was clouded with this "crush" thing, so I thought I was hallucinating. Until my friends in front told me that he was calling me. No big deal la though, it was just to pass some stuff. Till now, my friends often made fun of me thinking that I was hallucinating when he called me. Yes, I was that much of a socially awkward freak.
Well, of course, after that, I had my fair share of unrequited crushes and at the same time causing another fair share of men to have their crushes (on me) unrequited. But then again, I could not help laughing at myself whenever I thought back of this funny incident. I used to think that it was embarrassing, but now I think it is pretty damn funny.
I am still socially awkward today, just so you all know. That is why I prefer writing down my feelings rather than expressing by mouth or action. #malu
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