One of Those Days...

"Sometimes, it's not the most catastrophic misfortune that makes us collapse, but rather, the collection of little things happened altogether." - Jessie Tan, 2013. Hehehe. 

If you had a good day today, please do not read this because it is full of depressing feelings being jumbled up altogether here. It may be the fact that I am stressing with Design Project lately, hence this post. 

There were the times when I actually looked back upon my life so far and honestly speaking, about 70% of my time (until today) were not lived the way I really want. I always tried my best to make others happy, forgetting that I need to be happy as well. This often happens until when I finally realized I do not get what I want and I end up getting what I do not want, I will then let loose and blame the world for being unfair. Sometimes I may not know what I want, but there are times when I know what I want and yet I know I can never live that life. For example, experiencing the life as a university student in a foreign country while trying my best to adapt to cultural and surrounding's shock. I can never live that life again no matter how many times I wish for it. 

I lost myself and succumbed to peer pressure, mental pressure and family needs. I spent so much time making people around me smile until I will forget how to smile for myself. I will spend so much time doing some task until I forget to eat and when I finally realized, that is when I collapse. But I cannot blame anyone but myself, because this is the choice I made. Because I feel my worth only when I can make someone happy. Because when others make me happy, I will tend to feel obliged to make them happier than myself. Only then I will be even happier. But I will get exhausted in the process. This is because I am only a normal human being who will also have my own selfish needs. I am no saint, as we all can see. I too have my own desires and needs. Then when I finally remembered how to be selfish, I will then get frustrated on why the hell did I forget how to make myself happy. From there, I will then start hating myself for making myself so worthless. Then it goes on and on. Unending complexity. 

Is it the fact that I do not know what I truly want in my life yet?

Is it the fact that I am not satisfied with what I have, and perhaps greedy enough to ask for more? 

Or is it the fact that I know what I want deep down inside, but at the same time I am resisting it because of my responsibility I have to bear all my life? 

Seriously, I often wonder to myself. Am I truly happy? 

Only God knows. And I hope He will give me what's best for me. Because only He knows what is the best for me, probably some time before I finally realize what is actually best for me. Hey, it often happens. Lol. 

Had a good time ranting :) I feel better now.