Testimony From a Christian Who Wants To Be a Good Christian Chemical Engineering Student

This was not some random ramblings like any other posts in my blog. This is what I have been thinking and feeling lately about my faith in Him and how He glorified my life. I felt like there is a need for me to testify this so that more people know the wonders God has done to us when we have faith in Him. Before I begin this post, I feel like there is one very important message to deliver to all Christians. Faith does not build up in just one day. Just because you attend this one mass, feeling impressed and then you think you have faith, you are wrong. Just because you go to church every Sundays and memorize every single word in the Bible and then you think you have faith, you are wrong too. This is because faith does not come from the outside. No one in this world can teach us how to have deep faith in God, except ourselves. Faith comes from within, and to have faith, we must first experience Him. How to experience Him? The answer is by allowing him into our lives.

My path in Christianity is not short, to be honest. I was born in a Buddhist family, with a Christian mother. I knew nothing about religion and I blindly followed what my father did, such as giving offerings and burning joss sticks. When I was small, I did not know what religion was. I only thought of it as some racial thing. Like in class, we are divided into Malays, Chinese, Indians and indigenous. The same goes for religion. Yeah, that was what I thought.

I was introduced into Christianity when I was nine, when my family tore apart and my mother began bringing my brother and I to the Anglican church. At that time, I thought of Christianity as a very beautiful and sacred religion. A beautiful cathedral to attend to every Sunday, while seeing those grown-ups receiving some white cookie dipped in wine. I would like to eat that too, I thought. But at that time I was not baptized yet, so all I can do was to receive blessings from the priests every Sunday. I attended Sunday schools and learned many nice origami skills (I forgot most of them today =X).The Sunday school teachers are very friendly and warm, and I make new friends there. I did not make many friends there though, as I was a very shy and reserved little girl back then.

I was baptized when I was ten. I felt very happy that time, because I felt that I was finally accepted into a family, a beautiful family. To them it was the Kingdom of Christ. To me it was a family. My father converted into a Christian too, but at a different church. He was brought in by a friend of his. He brought my entire family into that church. Somehow, I did not feel a sense of belonging there. These people there all talked about money, and how God's grace granted them financial blessings. I too heard stories of rich people getting richer and became corrupted. Although I was small, but I knew how corrupted people look like and act like already.

My family began breaking into pieces throughout my teenage years. There are a few times when I actually doubted God's existence and questioned his love for us. I was a baptized and a confirmed Christian (I had myself confirmed when I was fourteen), yet my family grew more and more apart each day. We seldom attended church after that because my father was busy making money and because of that we did not have transport. Thankfully, I was studying in a Catholic school so my Catholic friends somehow brought me into Christian gatherings and the monthly Friday morning mass. Once again, I felt the sense of belongings whenever I attended the mass and the gatherings. I also learned more and more words of God throughout my secondary years. However, my faith towards Him did not add up. I still question Him about the wrongful scenario in my life. How my family became broken, how I wish I was like others, who live luxurious life with no worries. At that time I hated my family and hated God for putting me into such family. Thinking back, I was actually hot-blooded and foolish that time. Hehe.

When I was selected into NS, I once again blamed God for being unfair to me. WHY ON EARTH SHOULD I, A FLABBY AND WEAK NON-ATHLETE BE CHOSEN TO ATTEND THIS SHITTY 3-MONTHS MILITARY CAMP??? To be honest, I actually cried after knowing I was selected for this shit programme. My parents encouraged me to go, partly because they want me to learn and partly want me to stay away from the broken family for a while. And off I went. And I did not regret it at all. Instead, I kind of enjoyed it and I made many new friends. The best thing is, I learned how to speak Chinese in the camp. Yeah, banana. I could not speak Chinese until I was eighteen.

I finished Form 5 with good results, and I did not thank God for that. This was because I ended up in Form 6, in another Catholic school which was just opposite my previous school.  For a year and a half I wasted my life playing away with my Form 6 mates. Sure, I studied, but I did not really put in much effort because I knew I could not go far with Form 6. The subjects were super difficult and I can only produce straight As with a miracle. My brother was so intelligent and yet he got only 2As, what more to say me, who was not as smart as him? Hence, part of me studied to get through STPM without getting terrible results, but part of me kind of give up because I might as well end up in local university anyway, so no need to bother trying so hard.

My STPM results were out and they were actually better than I expected. Sure, it was the first time I did not obtain straight As in national-level examination, but from that level of results obtained, it was actually pretty good. It was good enough to secure a government scholarship (though it was not what I want). Because of the scholarship I was able to be enrolled into a foreign private university instead of settling down onto public universities. Sure, I obtained a place in one of the top public universities (UPM, just so you know), but I was not offered the course I wanted. Therefore, I decided to reject the offer and enrolled into Curtin University instead. Thankfully, my results were good enough for direct entry without having to do foundation. Hehe. That I actually thanked God. I thought I will end up like shit but it turned out I will not end up that shitty after all.

During the 6-months break after STPM, I landed myself onto my first job, which was a retail assistant at Toys R Us at Parkson. I made friends with my multi-racial colleagues, and from there I realized they were also broken. I was thankful that despite having problems, I did not end up broken and messed up like them. Apparently, one of my colleagues got pregnant by a man and he was nowhere to be found. Until today I heard no news about them. It was too from this job I got to know someone who used to be so special to me. He opened up my ice-cold heart who did not believe in nice men and true love. I accepted him into my life and he loved me. I turned to love him a lot and began to be dependent on him.

My first semester in Curtin Miri was okay, except my boyfriend and I had misunderstandings and issues, partly due to long distance. I did not do so well in my first semester due to negligence and me being big-headed. My first relationship ended in Kuching right after I finished my finals and came back home. At that time, I felt like the whole world crumbled. Someone whom I gave all my heart to and whom I had faith in so much betrayed me and abandoned me. For the following year, which was last year (hehe), I became broken. I attended clubs and drank more often than I should and did. There was once when I wanted to give up on myself and decided to let someone destroy me. However, it was God's grace that I ended up in the hands of a trustworthy friend who did nothing to me at all. So, I was safe. I thanked God and that friend.

My year in 2011 was truly a messed-up year. Although my friends brought me to Christian camp and Christian gatherings, I was not strong enough to hold myself strong. I even met a good friend who gave us weekly bible study and taught us many words of God to be applied in real life. These were not enough to hold me strong. Instead, I made a mess out of myself; drink, drink and drink. But thankfully I was not dumb enough to lose myself. I drink, and at one point I kept on drinking to get drunk and made a fool out of myself. My poor friends had to witness my ugly side. My facade kept on tearing off, leaving me looking ugly and tired. Thankfully my results were not so messed up. Had overall distinction despite messing up my life, so not bad lah =p anyway, from there I realized my faith for Him was very little that time.

2011 ended, and 2012 came. I hoped that 2012 would be a great year for me. Sure enough, it is so far. I had this killer food poisoning during CNY which made me lost weight. I get to go to Brunei and Borneo Jazz (after so long). Studies was okay so far. Okay. The faith in Him slowly builds up. Just believe in Him and good things will come along. When sin, confess and ask for forgiveness. That way, I can sleep soundly every night and wake up feeling fresh. But there is one thing which made me believe that God had His eyes on me all this time. When I was celebrating my friend's birthday at a club not long ago, some ugly thing happened. At that time, I thought I would be ruined. I had no phone; I was cornered. Somehow, I managed to get out safe and untouched. Don't ask me how. It was an ugly experience. That made me seriously believed that God has been watching me all this while and prevented me from unwanted dangers. From there, I began to understand the meaning of faith. Because of my faith in Him, He protected me. I did not believe in Him because He protected me; He protected me because I believed in Him. Get the difference?

Because of that incident, I began thinking back of all the things that happened. How did I end up here. How did I ended up making real friends from different places in university and I can still be myself. How did I ended up getting a scholarship without being a burden to my family. How people were always so nice to me although I am not a nice person. How my mother survived one illness after another. My mother is a weak woman with a strong faith in God. She often prayed to Him to shower me in Jesus Christ's blood. Despite all the bad things that happened to her, she continuously prayed to God every morning and night without fail. This is faith. My mother may not be the most intelligent woman in the world, but she definitely has faith more than some of the most intelligent people in the world, and that is what makes her so loved and blessed by God.

I begin to believe the existence of God more and more each day. I remembered once a friend of mine asked me that how did I manage to see the world so innocently and believed that every person is good even though I had been hurt and let down so many times. I did not know that time, but now I know. The God, in the form of Holy Spirit was at my side at all times. Because of His presence, I did not stop believing in goodness in life and not giving up on people around. In every single person, there is always a good deep down inside. Believe this. Jesus believed that and that is why He is willing to sacrifice His life to save us. He did not give up on us.

Christianity is a beautiful religion. Now, I am not trying to belittle other religions (the reason why I do not touch other religions here), but rather, expressing my testimony on Christ here. I hope that He will continue glorifying my life and continue staying on my side.

So,

Never stop believing in Jesus. This is what I got from the Praise and Worship night which I went yesterday. Once we turn away from Him, that is when He is no longer by our side. From there, we stray away and become lost in darkness.

**phew!! What a long post.**