I Am Me

I'm seriously having personal issues lately. Of course, I have other problems in hand but this is mainly focusing on my struggles that I am facing for the first half of 2012. I constantly pushed it away because of assignments and university stuffs, but since now I am free I have plenty of time to think through and to ponder.

All my life, I get haters everywhere. Okay, to be honest all this while I thought of myself as some mediocre, all-average student who is neither rich nor famous. I am not someone worth being known. Not like people will get famous if they know me or something. I am neither pretty nor popular. Yet people still hate me. People say jealousy. Really? Is that so? Tried to convince myself on that. But obviously failed. Reasons are stated above and I am lazy to retype (or copy and paste) those statements again.

I did not really care because these people are not people close to me and whatever they think of me will not make my life any shorter or make me any poorer. In high school, it is normal to have these kind of dramas because well, most of us girls were immature back then and as we grow up, we would think back and laughed at our silliness. However, the thing is, I could not believe that the same thing happened in university as well. That would mean the same thing would happen in work, and these are what caused office politics.

In university, I was not a Dean' List holder or anything. I am a fat, average-looking young adult with baby-face. Yet, people still go on bitching about me. I do not know what would they bitch about. Seriously, people usually bitch around those who are better than them and I am not. But all these made me start to doubt whether people who are nice to me are actually hating me on the inside. They may smile at me and offer me help in anything, but who knows deep down inside they hate me.

Okay. Ifone were to analyze the reasons people hate me, I shall start thinking through and list them down.

Probable reasons why people hate me:

1) Attention seeker
I admit, I am. See how regularly I update my Facebook. But that is my nature. I like sharing. Sharing is caring. For those who know me, when I have something, I will always share around. Unless I know those people do not like me, I will just share with anyone. If I have a 1kg cake, I will ask everyone around me to have a slice. I am that kind of person. I catch people's attention by sharing, and sharing what I usually find out on Facebook is one of the ways.

2) Egoistic and full of pride
This is what I think turn most people off. Even though I described myself as an all-average fat girl, I still have ego of my own. Intelligence is what I always bragged around. Probably I am not as intelligent as I thought. Probably I am more intelligent than I thought. I do not know how to measure it myself. IQ scores are not too reliable. But one thing for sure, I am an extremist. I can be either very proud or humiliate myself a lot. When I am good at something, I will amplify my ego and said it as if I am super good at it. When I suck at something, I will say as if I am totally useless in that area. Hence, people may get offended with the ego I have. Nevertheless, there is one thing I would like to question these people. All the while I am flashing my ego, have I bring anyone down? Have I ever said that I am the best and you all suck? I do not recall doing so. I mentioned I am the best, but I do not say you people suck. I mentioned I am the best to myself and not to your face. I amplify my ego to boost my confidence, because I lack confidence in real life. I hate to admit it, but it is true. You see, in my high school, I am surrounded with beautiful and amazing people. National representative of squash and archery competition, awesome debaters, top scorers, medal winners, face of don't-know-what, scholarship holders overseas, just to name some. I am told though that I should be thankful of whatever I have, hence I listed the things I have and should be thankful. Is that considered ego? Maybe I overdo it a little, but if I do not do so, I will feel small and I do not want that. Feeling small do not bring me anywhere. But being proud does. I need the pride to build up my confidence so that I am daring to try up something new and then succeed in life. I'm so pathetic, huh?

3) Loud and talkative
I know some people cannot stand my incessantly loud ramblings which sometimes sting their ears. Seriously, as me a question and I cannot shut up once I start answering it. Potential salesgirl, I know =p but to me, I find being loud and talkative brightens the atmosphere. If there would be someone to brighten the atmosphere, that person would be me! I have this inability to shut up my mouth once I start chattering and hey, I make shy people start talking. Isn't that a good thing? Err...okay...probably being talkative before exams is not a good idea. My apologies for that =X

4) Sarcasm
My sarcastic remarks can be pretty nasty and derogating at times. This is what we call wit. Okay brush perasan-ness aside. Apologies for that. But sometimes wittiness is a fine art, and learn to appreciate it. Then do it back to me. I don't mind. As long as the sarcasm isn't lame and stupid, I accept it. Although sometimes, I admit, make lame, sarcastic remarks which make people go ==""

5) Shallow
I am deeply attracted to tall men with dark stylish hair, sexy dark eyes, tanned skin, nicely-sculpted triceps and chocolate six-pack abs. Deep voice and masculinity appeals me greatly too. I mention iPhone and Tiffany's all the time. People think of me as shallow because of that. ROFLMAO-ness. Sure, I adore pretty things and will not buy something that is not pretty. Hello, that is being hypocrite. By judging me as shallow because of these (which you people conveniently are too, don't deny it), aren't you making yourselves one of the hypocrites? Firstly, let me define "shallow". Putting looks, materials and things on the surface above everything else. Like making friends with posh and loaded rather than individuals who are rich with moral values and principles. Like choosing an LV bag over guilty conscience. Like bribery lah, people choose money over righteousness. How many of you are NOT like that? In fact, most of the people here are shallow. They see things on the surface and choose things on the surface. There are only a few people in this world that are not shallow, and we greedy people are not one of them. So please, do not judge me, for judging defines who you are as a matter of fact. I am shallow, and I do not mind mixing with shallow people. Why hate me when you yourselves are shallow? What a joke!

I cannot find other reasons liao. If you can think of it, feel free to comment. I do not mind anonymous comments, because what I care is the content, not the identity. If you dare to show your identity, even better lah at least I know what you think of me.

Oh yeah for Reason (2). As I mentioned before there are two types of egoistic people. One is the one who bring themselves up and they think highly of themselves only, and the other one is the one who bring others down to bring themselves up. I personally do not like the latter. Want to be ego, bring yourself up enough already lah. Why need to bring others down? Bringing others down will not bring you up, because even if you manage to bring others down under, you are still stuck at square one. You are still that lousy. Want to build ego, first add in qualities which you think you can build your ego in. Improve yourself. That way, you are ahead of others liao.

But one thing for sure. I shall tone down my ego =) humility is what defines a truly successful person, for a person who easily gets satisfied with success will not have his trophy last long. I think I am confident enough in life already, so I do need the extra ego anymore. Slap me if I start to become perasan (unless it is a joke...if you can differentiate between humour and really being perasan).

p/s: I can't stop you from hating me, but I can always clarify myself. So don't misunderstand this post as something to stop people from hating me. As the saying goes, one can never please people around the world. People are free to hate me. But I do not like being hated for no reason without at least clarifying myself. So there.