Stop Politicizing Education!!!!

Recently, a certain minister made a very intelligent remark regarding not to award JPA scholarship to people who do not support the current government.

Today, I saw a post of a Malaysian Chinese female whose name was Lam Shu Jie. She obtained straight As was but denied scholarship from Malaysia. Long story short, other countries awarded her scholarships and is currently valuable in research field globally. I would like to ask the person who post this a question: What do you expect from posting such news?

Government politicizing education is nothing new. Years ago, Mahathir introduced PPMSI and I was one of the lucky "guinea pigs" who got to enjoy the privilege. In 2013 however, some smart-ass minister (forgot his name because he wasn't important enough to be stored in my aging brain cells) decided to revert back to PPMSBM. (Totally irrelevant but this is how the word "revert" should be used - returning something into an original state. NOT TO BE USED IN EMAILS TO ASK THE READER TO REPLY. TAKE NOTE.) Reason? Results dropped because the majority did not understand English. Real reason? Afraid Malaysians lupa daratan. See? An example of politicizing education in the name of protecting their hollow shells.

I was one of the victims of this. Back in 2008, I obtained my 2007 SPM result. 9A1s and 2A2s. According to my reliable source, co-curriculum accounts only 10% of decision-making when it comes to giving away scholarships. By right, the main decision-making factor would be meritocracy. Extras such as co-curriculum, parents' income (who is poorer), and even race should be secondary in case there are too many straight A students. I think the order of priority for decision-making should go like this:

Straight A1s -> straight As -> A1 for required subject -> parents' income -> co-curriculum -> race priority

The government, however, decided to put race as the top priority.

Let's take a look at my case here.

Scholarship applied: Engineering overseas (because I was pretty good at Chemistry so I naively thought Chemical Engineering was my thing)
Straight A1 = X
Straight As = /
A1 for required subjects = / (A1 for English, Maths, English for Science and Technology (pretty useless but normally an extra A1 subject for me as it was pretty easy to score back then but wait, it is not that useless after all because of the existence of PPMSI hahahaha forgive my ignorance), Add Maths, Science, Physics, Chemistry)
Parents' income = / (I put RM1500 at tax-filing section)
Co-curriculum = Considered / (I got borderline A because I was a prefect, an active member in RC, a secretary for Interact and represented my school for random essay-writing competitions so bolehlah)
Race = X (Chinese mah)

As a result, I studied Form 6 and scored a borderline 3 for my CGPA in STPM (although in most universities, the number of As matter WHYYY). I was bitter because of the stupid politics set up by the government. Silly me. I should have gotten over my bitterness and studied harder back then.

Look at people like Lam Shu Jie. Was she bitter? No, she wasn't. She seek for opportunities elsewhere and she is currently going somewhere. She did not let government's fucked-up politics screwed her up. Yes, it is a sad thing that many talent migrated elsewhere. Yes, it is sad to see brain drain happening in Malaysia.

Which is why, people in Malaysia who is currently bitter in Malaysia, do not give in to the government's political strategy to break Malaysians. Our government may be fucked up, but Malaysia is not. You can expand your horizons elsewhere and be somebody, but do not let the government affect you. Remember to vote even if you are shaping your fame in another country. Look at Datuk LCW. His talent unites us Malaysians even if it is only during the finals. Look at Dato Michelle Yeoh. She is now an international actress. Look at Jimmy Choo. He did not begin his designing career in Malaysia. But he still makes Malaysia proud. Be that someone who goes out of Malaysia, be successful and then do something to improve Malaysia. Be that someone who stays in Malaysia, make peace with other Malaysians and try to improve Malaysia from within.

Do not let the government win by feeling bitter towards those who did not obtain any scholarship after getting straight As for SPM. The government wants to divide us so that we are not united enough to overthrow them. Do not fall for that. Stay united, believe in change and topple the government so that we can create an ideal education. We can change the entire Ministry of Education by letting educators take over those corrupted ministers' places.

But for now, please do not feel bitter because the government has long politicizing our education. Go against that. If government do not want young Malay students to be proficient in English, we help those young Malay students to improve their English. Even urban students suffer to be honest, despite them being smacked right in the middle of the city. Government teachers who continue striving out there, good job. Give those urban poor free tuition when we are free, if we can.

By the way, I have not mentioned the result of fucked up education. You see, many young Malaysians today cannot even speak proper English. They cannot differentiate "revert" and "reply" in emails. Take a look at King CoCo. She is disguising her broken English in her accent. Actually, there are many Malaysians I know who do that (not as bad as CoCo though). Educated Malaysians I mean.

I shall stop ranting. I have not been writing for a long time. I miss writing.

Experiencing Divorce

This scenario is entirely fictional but it is based on a true story of what is happening around us.

Have you ever feel that way when your parents just announce their decision to divorce and you are torn in between both of them? Choosing either one of them will not be good for you because you will lose either one of them.

Your father is an asshole who only knows how to dig into your piggy bank whenever he feels the need to splurge even though he already has more than what he needs. When you can no longer give him that much money, he will start exploiting whatever talent you have. If you are good at singing, he will make you go to every single pub to perform and yet all the pay will end up in his pocket. If you are good-looking, he will make you a prostitute and sell you off to as many rich tycoons and as many times as possible until the rich tycoons will start getting tired of you and asked your father whether he has anymore daughters or not. If you own a weird insurance of RM2.6bil (kononnya a gift from your father's friend) and you can only withdraw it when you are injured, your father will think of ways to take those amount of money (by injuring you) and then put it inside his personal account, and then said that it was a donation from his personal friend, which is to fund your education. Doesn't sound like someone whom you would like to stay with right?

That leaves you with your mother. Your mother kept convincing you to follow her by reasoning out all the bad things your father had done to you. Every day, she kept reminding you about how much of an asshole your father is. Following your mother sounds very convincing as she has a stable job, thus being able to support your needs. However, your mother's fund is pretty much limited as compared to your father, and she may not be able to support your tertiary education. Maybe she could, if she tried. Then, you heard rumours that your mother may not be as nice as you thought. Rumours about your mother's alleged affair with unknown man has been circulating around, and it sounded like your mother was trying to make your father looked very bad so that she could cover her affair and thus able to gain half of your father's property after the divorce. She may want to win you so that she could obtain the alimony. It may not be true, but the possibility is there.

This boils down to: Then who should you follow?

Maybe you should just get yourself adopted to someone else instead. Just a thought.

Haze and Pollution

"Pollution happened because human beings tried to play being God by creating magic using God's creations." Yes I came up with this quote.

The climate changes faster than me changing clothes. I know it's absurd but unfortunately, it is true. I don't even know what kind of weather can I expect anymore. Flood last month in Kuching and now it is very hot in KL. Not to mention how early the haze season came this year (I thought it was usually during August-ish?).

I truly detest going out to the city each day and ended up coming home all dirty and sticky. The city is so dirty that one would appreciate showers a lot.

I can't even write a long blog post because of the hot weather and the amount of haze I'm breathing in.

One Step At A Time

I have this pet peeve of revisiting scars. Some things should have just ended years ago.

I'm still trying to stand at my own two feet. Still adjusting to discover my true self. Still trying to resist picking the scabs of my wounds that should have been left as scars.

I still go to bed feeling empty, no matter how tired I was prior to heading to bed.

I still have doubts that I can be loved, and deserve to be truly loved. Somehow I always feel there is something that stops me from being loved.

Am I doomed to be content towards being single until the end of time?

I had a dream of writing a book upon finding my uttermost happiness. I had a dream of drawing out the sweetest feeling, sweeter than a candy once I tasted the bliss. I always believed that I could feel that way if I found my other half which brings happiness to another level. But slowly I have to learn to accept that there can be no one but myself to bring joy upon myself. 

Until then, I shall enjoy feeling happy from other ways possible.

Until then, I will always ask myself this one question: Is finding the right person who loves you deeply madly truly for who you are, naked inside out the uttermost happiness in your life?

I forgot when is the last time I ever smiled so sweetly I could feel the corners of my mouth near my ears.

Cool, blue emotions painting my soul despite the bright sunny day.

Random Thoughts, Thoughts and Thoughts

I woke up with a sharp pain on my right ear and yet was all dressed up to work. In the midst of the crowd inside the LRT, I suddenly realized that I should not go to work at all. On one side I could hear the sharp noise from the railway, while on the other side the noise was so sharp that I could feel the pain stabbing into my ear. Despite the pain, I heard nothing. I got scared. I panicked. I quickly WhatsApped my colleagues and manager, informing them that I would be getting a sick leave on that day. So many thoughts were swarming inside my head that morning. What if I was late for medical consultation that I might become deaf? What if I became deaf because of something unknown that happened to my ear? Do I need to learn sign language? Is sign language difficult? Will I lose my job once I become handicapped?

Long story short, I had my MC after consulting the doctor nearby my workplace and then thrown to Gleneagles like a ball for specialist check-up (ear very sensitive you know), and got my medicine so I am currently half-deaf.

Anyway, this is my first time taking an MC after three months of work (I broke my record HAHAHA). I went to work despite falling sick twice ok! Hence, I was not really used to staying at home on weekdays. Thankfully I had fever because of my infected ear so I spent most of my day sleeping away.

During the time I was not sleeping though, I did a lot of thinking. A LOT. I let my mind ran around and wandered away. I was thinking:

1. I love my family and I am a nerd. Thus, I am surrounded with family-oriented nerds who happened to be my colleagues. I was expecting the super-open, slightly badass oil and gas players like those whom I met in the clubs in Miri back then. But then they are so family-oriented and they were such good boys (mama's boys)! I can't help thinking how adorable those little boys are sometimes (yes ALL the colleagues in my HSE Engineer department are males). The "you are surrounded by who you are" thing exists. LOL.

2. Contrary to popular belief, the Malays that I knew at my workplace were liberal and rational. One would have expect that they are so sensitive that everything must be halal, only their opinions are entitled and no one else's bla3, they think they are superior and other races/religions are not and they are radicals. Don't believe everything on media. Even though they love spicy food, sing Malay song all the time and often eat with hands as depicted on media, they know what is right and what is wrong. They know when to defy the norm with logic instead of going with the flow, especially those senior managers and heads. And please, speaking with them, eating spicy food with hands and karaoke-ing Malay songs with them do not make me a Malay. Likewise, them speaking Chinese (I have a few colleagues who spoke Chinese fluently, sometimes even more fluent than myself *embarrassed*) and expressing their attraction to Chinese people do not make them Chinese. To start living harmoniously, please get rid of the "don't leave your roots" mentality.

3. I hate KL road system and transport. When I got off the LRT station at Jelatek, there is no taxi stand or any place for waiting. I had to call MyTeksi and asked the taxi driver to pick me up at the main road. And the main road is a highway LEH!!! Please, please, Malaysians, please improve your own knowledge and skills. No wonder our ministers are huge mistakes.

4. Speaking of knowledge and skill, my deepest regret was not to study much harder during university days when I had the chance. I was so engrossed with the fact that "to secure a job in an MNC, you need to fulfill CGPA of 3.5 and able to demonstrate leadership skills". Yeah thanks, because of that I was so focused on trying to obtain a CGPA of 3.5 instead of obtaining the knowledge which is worth the 3.5 of CGPA. Up till today, I felt that my knowledge in engineering was inadequate. Implementing process safety in engineering design? How and what? Master control in all engineering designs so that we do not need to control the little things anymore? Then what if the master control breaks down and there is no redundancy? But isn't redundancy of the master control itself difficult to replicate and may be even more complex as well? What am I even thinking? And process integration, is RAPID considered process integration? Or not? By integrating everything into one space, have one considered how to manage all the wastes? Will managing waste costlier than using more energy to recycle waste? From one process to another? Won't that contribute more to carbon footprint? I WANT TO TAKE MASTERS DEGREE CAN KAH BUT I NO MONEY NOW HOW?

5. I mentioned earlier about "fullfill 3.5 CGPA and demonstrate leadership skills". Do you know that not having adequate leadership skills but scoring a CGPA of 4.00 can also secure you a job in an MNC technically? Well at least in my company, technical people are highly prized. It's not easy to be technically capable you see. I always admire those who are technically capable. They know many things and those solutions they suggested were not merely bullshitting, but were backed up with their knowledge and experience. No offence, but nowadays people are so engrossed with sharpening their presentation skills that they basically forgot about sharpening their technical knowledge and common sense. You cannot be a bookworm and sacrifice common sense, but at the same time you cannot be a good marketer and sacrifice knowledge. Even if you sound like a boring nerd, if the words you spoke make total sense, then you are an asset. Not creative in presenting your ideas? Make use of young interns or fresh graduates. Let them play with your solutions and ideas while presenting them in a most creative manner possible. That way, they can learn more about the technical knowledge while sharpening their creativity at the same time. What I'm trying to say is, it's okay to be a nerd. If you cannot speak like a lawyer but at the same time you have a brain of a professor, just let it be. I admire those who speak words of substances more than those who sounded super convincing and yet only bullshitting away.

6. I'm still at my crossroads of my career. What will I be in 10 years' time? Is this job the right job for me?

7. At what age should I start investing in property? And where? Bintulu? High likely I will be going to Bintulu (MLNG extension and because upstream definitely tak boleh pakai and also because I am a Sarawakian so MLNG prefers Sarawakian). Or Miri? Or Kuching? Or KL? But I don't like living in KL. Transport itself is a huge turn off already. Not to forget everything in KL is mega expensive. And please, doing spontaneous plans in KL is a BAD IDEA. But I am investing, not permanently living right. I haven't found a place where I actually want to stay there until I die so perhaps properties are only investments for me as at now. Maybe in a year's time? Maybe two?

8. So sad that I have to live life like a poor, thrifty auntie. LRT trip to work costs me RM2.80 one way; budget taxi queue at my condo area costs me RM1.50 one way. Everything multiply by two meaning I spent RM8.60 per day for transport. Previously I only spent RM7.00. RM1.60 increase per day is, a lot. I also want to save money for travels, property investments, retirement fund etc leh? Hence, I have no choice but to resort to cooking daily. Sad life it is. Not to mention how expensive groceries are nowadays. I spent an average of RM50 weekly on groceries (I only buy meat like once a month; itu pun chicken only).

9. Why is growing up so difficult? I should just find a rich man who already owns properties and stable financial status and marry him. But then my ego got better of me and I want to earn my own money and pay for my own bills. At least now I am paying for my own bills and managed to give some to my family.

10.I don't want my life to grow old so fast. Continue to give thrills to others and to feel the excitement in my life. Even after I'm 30.

11. How come I haven't been exercising?

That's all that I think of on a day's leave (sick leave mind you).

Shopping for Women's Cardigan

I have a problem that every OL faces. Especially for those who work in corporate world and will meet managers, Datuks and VPs quite often (although they will not remember this small peanut junior executive like me).

I like sleeveless dresses and blouses but I cannot wear them to office just like that! Not to mention the ridiculous below knee-length skirts and covered shoes, plus the "please-put-on-makeup" rule. Akibatnya, I wear long pants on a daily basis (although sometimes I wear skirts as well). But don't you all women (who read this blog of course) agree with me that sleeveless blouses and dresses are usually the most fashionable ones?

There is one way to wear those sleeveless fashionable clothes in the office of course. Outerwear. But what outerwear exactly? I have suit (reserved for meeting and to match my pants if I wear sleeveless), I have hoodie, I have sweater, I have coat and I have cardigan. If you do not have meeting on that day and you decided to wear some fashionable blouse and skirt, you will have that common sense that the suit is truly out of place in the name of fashion. Hoodie is out of the question as well, since it does not look professional in the office. Coat? You won't want to carry a heavy coat around the LRT (for those who take LRT like me). Sweater? Slightly unprofessional-looking, I would say.

It then boils down to just cardigan. Cardigans, in my honest opinion, is the most versatile outerwear for any woman who is fashion-conscious. You can easily match any office wear with cardigans. Cardigans are not limited to just sleeveless blouses; you can wear long sleeved-blouse and match it with a lovely cardigan as well. I have two in fact; black H&M and grey Cotton On cardigans respectively. Well of course, cardigans are not only limited to office wear, unlike suits. You can wear cardigans for a casual outing, a movie session in a cinema, a date night and even an evening party. Long story short, cardigans are categorized as "must-have" in any woman's wardrobe list.

You have two choices; head to the nearest shopping mall or start online shopping right with your laptop/smartphone (nowadays people use their phones for anything literally!). I would recommend the latter due to the honest reasons below;

1. For those living in KL:
- Human traffic (if you use public transport) or massive road jam (if you drive).
- Increased public transport fares (if you use public transport) and toll hike (if you drive).
Seriously, these reasons are more than enough.

2. For those living outside KL (who hail from Sarawak, like me *ahem*):
- Not much choices.
- Usually, those brand names (H&M, Cotton On, Mango, Esprit etc) ship over the unfinished stock from KL to East Malaysia so that they can bring in new stock for sale. So you get old stock if you shop in Sarawak (sad right).
I still love Sarawak though.

Hence, Sarawakians like me will always opt for online shopping. When I was in Sarawak, I got to choose up-to-date fashion and had them delivered right up to my doorstep instead of flying all the way to KL to shop. Now that I live in KL, I am much closer to all those fashionable brand names (f block, Dressing Paula, Topshop etc). Yet I still shop online, because of the reasons mentioned above.

Online shopping is pretty risky though. You do not get to see the actual product UNTIL you have it delivered right up to your doorstep. You risk having the goods:

1. Damaged and could not be returned once delivered. You are unable to check the condition of the goods beforehand because common sense, delivery is a one-way thing. Couriering back the damaged goods means paying another sum of postage fees and you may not guarantee getting something similar. Scary right?

2. Not as expected from the catalogue. Sometimes, it's the photographer's skills that sells the product instead of the product itself. The angle was so good that you were sold, but when the actual product arrives at the doorstep, it may be different from what you expected.

3. Size may not be right. Measurements vary for each brand. Again, the trouble of exchanging goods.

Sounds so ironic for someone who claims to shop online often.

I only have three online websites which I am loyal to. Those are Zalora, Lazada and PMC (Pestle 7 Mortar Clothing) respectively. Zalora because it has gazillion choices of everything any human being wears, provides 30-day goods return policy and COD (Cash on Delivery). Lazada because it is cheap. PMC because it is fashionable and during Black Friday it gets super cheap (free delivery as well leh).

However, the bad news is I can only buy cardigans from Zalora because those mentioned online shopping sites do not sell cardigans. Zalora has different types of women's cardigans which not only scores excellently in fashion sense, but also reasonably priced. Basically, the women's cardigans are divided into three types as below, with a slight touch of fashion advice.

1. Cotton Cardigan

Image obtained from Zalora.my

For the individuals who prefer a simple look and outerwear which can be worn as a day-
to-day outfit can opt for a nice cotton cardigan. Cotton cardigan gives women that cute
sweet appeal and brings out your feminine side to others. Besides that, this type of
cardigan is suitable for women to wear on a day out as it has a very lightweight material.
The cotton cardigans are perfect for women to add into their closet as they will never go
out of style.

2. Knitted

Image obtained from Zalora.my

Meanwhile, ladies who want outer wears that can give you that warmth feeling will love
the knitted cardigans and sweaters. The knitter outer wear absolutely makes you feel
comfortable in cold settings or weather and still look stylish effortlessly.  Layer it on top
of your t-shirt or tank tops and enjoy the comfort of the knitted wool material.

3. Long Panels

Image obtained from Zalora.my

Some of the ladies will also prefer a more modern yet chic appearance and the long
panel cardigan will definitely do the trick. Show off that hipster look and still appear
modestly stylish. The long panels are great to be matched with a nice pair of jeans or
even shorts.

Now that you know where to shop for your cardigan, all I can say is...

HAPPY SHOPPING!

Kipidap Uolls; Korg Sume Terer

**DISCLAIMER: No intention of offending anyone. I'm merely expressing my cultural shock in this still-new-environment.

Maybe I'm new and am still adjusting. Maybe I'm so used to seeing proper English on texts I tend to get annoyed with improper usage of words.

I started work in a national oil company in Malaysia. It is no secret that 90% of my colleagues are Malays. You have two choices; blend in or stay stranded. Being a sensible person, of course I opt for the former. I couldn't remember conversing that much in BM ever since the last time I did so during NS back in 2008. And my BM has improved quite a bit.

But one thing that annoys me A LOT is the recent usage of weird spellings that has been plastered all over the social media. I'm not against short forms or slangs as I myself used some of them in WhatsApp as well (dy = already, izit = is it, hz = house etc) but this is truly on another level. Let me list a few of them out here:

Kipidap = Keep it up
Dongibap = Don't give up
Terer = Terror (supposedly means talented)
Member = Member (supposedly means friend)
Wiken = Weekend
Yukenduit = You can do it
Uolls = You alls (supposedly all of you; directly translated from BM's kamu semua)

I'm not against simplifying or shortening your own language for fun or whatsoever. I don't have the privilege nor that significant amount of knowledge to do the same in Chinese language (perks of being a banana) so I can only do it for English. Hokkien also cannot do what; the only short forms are kns, cb etc *oops*.

Anyway, excuse me for the digression but again I am here to stress that that "slang" is so annoying. 
It took me awhile to realize that kipidap has a meaning in it. And why is terer considered talented? How did that idea even come in? How can the original meaning of the word be diverted into another different meaning altogether? Thankfully I did not take TESL or teach English, otherwise my blood pressure would rise if my students started using those "slangs" in their essays.

Please, adjust, alter, repackage your own language by all means, but do not repackage others' language. Especially if the country itself does not have a strong command of English to begin with. I am fine with hz, jz, dun, giv, nigga etc because at the end of the day, I am able to string a proper sentence in English effortlessly. But what about those younger generations who are not as fortunate to receive a proper English education? All they have is a smart phone and internet sans proper English education. They would assume dongibap as don gib up, since they already pronounced the "v" part as "b". And I cannot fathom the idea of talented being classified as being equal to terrifying (terror ma). Don't spoil, or in your layman's terms, merogol bahasa orang lain.

I'm just worried on behalf of the future generation in Malaysia. Glad that Sarawak is moving towards development by highlighting the importance of English.

And to answer those people who asked questions such as:

1. See France and Japan. Their English is worse than ours, and yet they are so developed. Why must we sharpen others' language?
Answer: Simple. We are not a developed 1st world country. We are still a developing 3rd world country. Give a huge "Thank you" to our beloved government who caused this. So much resources, yet we are living in a country with expensive goods and cheap pay. Seeing how far behind we are globally, we definitely need to do something to keep up. And by learning English first of all, we get to educate ourselves further with knowledge which is mostly taught in that particular language. And again, what is wrong with equipping ourselves with an additional language other than BM? English is a beautiful language.

2. Won't the stress in sharpening the English language eventually caused BM to lose its place altogether? What if someday all our young generation of Malays spoke English so much that they lupa daratan (forgot their own roots)?
Answer: The "lupa daratan" thing depends on individuals. If they are proud of BM and the culture, why would they even "lupa daratan"? Again, this all boils down to our beloved government who has done so much to make the young Malaysians who were educated overseas not to be proud of their own country. To be honest, if our govenment carry themselves well in the eyes of the citizens, they will still be proud of the Malaysian culture regardless. And if Malaysians themselves are creative enough to change don't give up to dongibap, they are able to extend their creativity elsewhere in other field. The correct mindset is all we need for Malaysians not to forget themselves. Don't put all the blame on English language (or whatever language that is internationally used like Mandarin).

I guess that's all. My poor blog is dead. Just need to write something and that's it.

Human Nature Beneath Latest Assault in Paris

I am not here to share the news which everyone who has internet access knows. I am here to as usual, express my thoughts and feelings while at the same time exercising my rusty writing skills. I shall divide this post into two parts, which are literal news and my opinions. Sorry if my information is wrong; I do not really follow up on politics/war news.

News summary:
Last Friday, terrorists attacked innocent civilians and 128/129 fatalities were recorded, with 359 injuries and 99 out of them were in critical state. The assault was done by ISIS due to the France - Syria war that happened this year. Thousands of Facebook users, with myself included, changed our profile pictures painted with France flag. Then came some certain people who pointed out our hypocrisy and biasedness for mourning for Paris but not Syrian refugees. And some people claimed that Facebook users only follow trend.

THE END.

My opinion:
I usually do not change profile pictures into anything unless it affects me. Like the support gay profile picture, I do not change because I am heterosexual and I can only feel glad when the LGBT marriage is finally legalized, but I do not really go all out just to feel overjoyed that there is a step forward being put towards the LGBT community and so forth.

But I like Paris (or Pah-ree).

My WhatsApp wallpaper is the photo of Eiffel Tower shining majestically at night. Paris is one of my bucket-list destination to go to in a lifetime. I want to bring my faceless future boyfriend/husband to Paris and strengthen our love there. I want to go up to the Eiffel Tower with my faceless future boyfriend and eat bagels there together for dinner. Because I find it much more romantic that way compared to eating 3 Michelin star dinner on top of Eiffel Tower. Although 3-Michelin star French dinner is good as well. I suka. Despite the superbly annoying French language which I cannot master because of my inability to roll my tongue (why bother putting in so many letters when you end up not pronouncing them anyway) and being super expensive (anything French spells e-x-p-e-n-s-i-v-e; Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Dior, foie gras, caviar etc), I suka Perancis. I love wine, and France is the birthplace of Merlot, Pinot Noir and Shiraz. Wine is good on rainy days. Wine soothes my soul.

But most important of all, Paris is known as City of Love.

To have a place so famous, so symbolic (in terms of love) being attacked means something. To me, I go like, "Harrr so Paris is now the target for terrorists. Where else should I go with my faceless future boyfriend to strengthen love?" and yup I still think that way now. A hopeless romantic like me seeing the place I always visualize to fall in love with being attacked definitely mean something to me.

And I am sure Paris has its significant meaning to most of the people in my friends' list as compared to Syria. Some have been to Paris and are marveled at its beauty; some found love there and some had their dreams came true in Paris (a place for fashion design and modelling).

I find it a beautiful thing for people around the world to mourn for a city that mean a lot to them in little things like changing Facebook profile picture and changing building/tower lightings into French flags. It shows that people do care.

Yet, it is human nature for people to be able to find fault still beneath this beautiful act. Just like how some Malays condemned a certain Malay girl who typed her Facebook status in English to ask for help (Google it yourself), some people managed to condemn this act as something hypocritical, biased, idiotic etc.

You know what? By judging others who did a good deed as something bad, it indirectly speaks out your true colours. I shall not judge those who condemn because if I do, I will be the same as them. But please, if you do not wish to mourn for Paris but for Syria instead, then do so. Change your profile picture into a Syrian flag if Syrian refugees meant a lot to you. Create awareness about Syrian refugees if you think the media coverage is not enough.

I admit there are too many things that are going on wrong in today's world. Human trafficking, sex slavery, endless bombing, kidnaps, massacres, mass imprisonment, and many many more but I am too lazy to name them here. In the midst of all these, showing some love and care, regardless of which country or city to means a lot to the world. Rather than instilling more hatred (which is the root cause of war), why not add in more love? The City of Love has been assaulted; give love to the city. Syrian refugees felt less loved; show more love to them. Write an article and publish on Facebook on how to help them. Launch a campaign. Fight to protect those refugees (Malaysia is doing a good job of trying to shelter the Syrian refugees). I once read an article on how Christians and Muslims protected each other in Syria thousands of years ago. This shows that it is possible to love regardless of the identity and the place.

Just like how light is the cure of darkness, love is the cure of hatred. Stop hating any further and start loving today. Show love to whoever we concern without judging.Stop having negative thoughts on any good deeds. And most importantly, show love to people of all religions regardless of everything that happened. Pray for the terrorists (including those Muslims) so that they are no longer lost. Religions are all about love and peace. So if that particular religion does not promote love and peace, then it should not be called a religion.

p/s: I shall put on hold on the quest to identify the faceless future boyfriend in my dreams, since Paris has already been attacked muahahahhaa and I am unable to go there until it is safe.

p/s/s: I am still clueless about the identity of the faceless future boyfriend. Maybe I don't have one after all, which is why he is faceless.

p/s/s: Why McD internet sucks!! 

Short Update

I know my blog is dead and no one sort of read it anymore, but here's my 312468757392208442881737th attempt to resuscitate my dear blog which will turn 10 next year!

I currently have switched my occupation to a HSE Engineer in a national oil and gas company. So far I am doing good, except that I have to work twice or trice as hard as compared to my colleagues due to the fact that:

1) I am the only female among the seedlings department.  The rest consist of very macho male colleagues. I know, some may envy me. Trust me, you don't have to.
2) I don't look tough. In fact, someone (name not mentioned to protect privacy) pointed out to me that I am too pretty to be an engineer working among a group of alpha male.
3) I look naive and carry this "dumb blonde" aura. People do not trust me as much as my macho, mature, tough-looking male colleagues.
4) I still look like a student from freshman year. I guess I should not be happy anymore whenever anyone mistaken me as a student.

I know I do not have to wait until I turn 30 in order to be a tough alpha female engineer working on site/platform/plant etc. I can be tough, independent and strong in coverall and yet feminine, pretty and sweet after work in my most fashionable outwear.

Should start to be really serious about my work. Seriously.

Anyway, I moved out from Sri Petaling. Finally! To a place called Setapak, where the daily commute to and fro from office is made much easier. From 1 hour 15 minutes to just 25 minutes! 2/3 of the time has been saved for more sleep yay! I still prefer PJ or Damansara but due to my unfortunate lack of my own transport, I guess I have to make do with this. To sacrifice easy access of Chinese food (not like the Chinese food at Sri Petaling is super yummy to begin with, to be honest).

Sad to say that I currently do not have internet. Reason is that Unifi and Maxis port are all full, so what's left is Streamyx. I am not sharing Streamyx while paying the same price as a 10mpbs Maxis Fibre Internet. I am still stingy even though my pay has increased. Stinginess runs in my blood and I am embracing it proudly. My only option is to use the free WiFi at McDonald's or Old Town nearby my condo. Ok lah. Can still manage.

All in all, I am happy and grateful at where I am now. Managed to get into an oil and gas industry in a big GLC. Not MNC but not too bad, because this GLC is taking good care of my stomach and my health. Frequent free food and learning opportunities. This is a good place for me. And to work in Malaysia's famous landmark is a pride among my family and relatives. I have no complaints. Happy and thankful is all I can say right now.

When Are You On The Right Track???

I mean in terms of life.

We Are So Busy Growing That We Forgot Our Parents Are Growing Old

Happy that I am finally settling down properly in KL after like...two months? I am pretty impressed that I am able to make it all alone. Most of my colleagues were like, wow you are so brave oh! Okay I guess I should not get carried away and move on with my main topic of this blog post, as stated in the title.

I make bigger decisions in life, such as which insurance to buy and what credit card to take. On top of that, I start to spend practically, rather than splurging all at one go once I get my pay like how I used to. I even put away the thought of purchasing Big Bang concert even though it was only a stone throw away from my current humble abode. Fuck YOLO. I've decided to live practicality. Besides, my obsession for Big Bang has gone down and I have decided to be just happy by listening to their songs. *playing Lies by Big Bang currently*

I thought of my future for the past few days. I really want to work my way up, by starting off doing hands-on work and stop to take up Masters and then continue my way up real high. I thought of how I can actually achieve by doing so, and what should I do to achieve. I thought of many many things, such as when can I actually buy a property and what can I do with it. And even considering of buying either a 2nd hand car or a new car.

I guess all of you get the rough idea of what I am trying to say next. For every second we are maturing, our parents are aging at the same time. We are truly growing up when this dawned on us that our parents are retiring and becoming tired as well. Some of us may be starting a business, working on their way on becoming a manager or close to obtaining PhD. Or some of us may even get married and starting a new family. Whatever it is, for every new milestone each of pave through, our parents are getting old.

I started realizing this during my graduation. My parents are really old when they attended my graduation ceremony, as compared to when they attended my prize-giving ceremony during Form 5. Needless to day, they were even younger when they attended my first piano performance when I was 7. And they were even younger when my mother gave birth to me. The sad and yet beautiful thing is that time is irreversible, and what's left are only memories.

I guess we are not the only ones that forgot about that fact. Our parents too, have forgotten that we are all grown up and are capable of taking care of ourselves. In their eyes, we always remain as the little boy or girl whom they love so much. My parents often worry about me, despite the fact that I have started working and making my own decisions (to even owning a tattoo). But the real wake-up call was during this scenario, when my mom found out I made a tattoo.

Mom: Was it painful?
Me: What painful?
Mom: Your strikingly big tattoo ah.
Me: Oh that? *shit*
Mom: Looks nice.
Me: Thanks.

My heart saddened by a little after the conversation. My mom knew I was no longer 18 and I am capable of making decisions on my own. But at the same time that means she was aging as well. I do not know how much more can I give them while I am still working on over there. I am working hard to give them as much as I can while they are still alive and moving, but I do not know when will be the time.

I hope for those who stumbled upon this blog, appreciate the time you have while your parents are still alive and moving. Try to give them your time, because time is more precious than money. Within the time given, try to make it quality time by behaving. Not being rebellious because it breaks their heart. I only get to see all these when I am over 21, so I hope all of you can see it earlier than that. The earlier you see it, the more happier time your parents will have.

I shall end this post with a belated Mother's Day and an early Father's Day wish for my parents. They may not read this, but I hope and pray that they receive this wish.

p/s: I am definitely far from ready for parenthood. I still need a lot of time for myself, so much that I am unable to give it to them children.

Updates, Insecurity and Dreams

I have not updated my baby blog that is short to a decade years old by just one year. Next year my blog will be TEN YEARS OLD YAY. I think this blog has grown up with me from my super insecure, indecisive and clueless 16-year-old me to currently still insecure, partly indecisive but no longer clueless 24 going on 25 me.

Anyway, for updates, I quit Teach For Malaysia last year, taught in an all-boys' school for a month plus and then am currently working as an assistant project engineer in a small engineering firm in KL. Yes this baby girl who has been living in Sarawak all her life is currently residing in the big city of Peninsular. I do not start off in huge oil and gas companies like Petronas or Shell. I am just helping out in documentation and dealing with clients in a security supplier company in a local company. But look at the bright side; I start off small so that I have more space to climb up!

Despite being at where I am now, I at least have many many spaces left to dream big. My ambition to take up masters has not died down yet. Masters in Engineering, to be exact. Funny how eight years ago I dreamt of taking up a degree in something totally different and today I want to take up Masters in a course I never thought of doing years back. I need like, three years of self-development in terms of experience technically and emotionally before I can actually handle myself in a bigger metropolitan in the West. Being a dreamer, I actually surveyed postgraduate universities and actually made up my mind to study in which university, and will definitely work my way to make sure I get into THAT PARTICULAR university even though I graduate from an Australian university (which is not even listed in Group of Eight). Sounds sad, but it's not. I am glad I went to Curtin Miri instead.

I wonder if I start small today and end up being some big shot (and if possible getting married to another big shot man who is around my age or slightly older la not an already successful old man), will I read back this blog and laugh at my younger self? Yes it is better to marry a potentially successful ambitious man rather than a man that has already achieved it. Why do I say so? I want to be there for him when he is at his lowest so that when he is at his best, he will know that I am the only one who deserves to be with him when he is at the top MUAHAHAHAHA. I know, so realistic. But I will do the same what, letting him handle my worst so that I will give him my best (the most beautiful inner side of me, which do I even have one). 

Which leads to my next dream. My dream of meeting the perfect, handsome, tall, suave, intelligent, romantic and rich guy with charm and sophistication and DIMPLE has died. Really died. I cannot even picture any guy inside my head anymore should any question regarding my ideal guy is directed to me. I come to this understanding that YOU ATTRACT WHO YOU ARE. Being a quirky and socially awkward introvert, I attract somehow socially awkward men as well in some ways (or at least that are sociable but actually an introvert on the inside). I am so weird that I express myself better in words and letters rather than by actions and whatever it is bla bla bla. And whenever any guy asks me out I would think like, WHAT MAKES YOU LIKE ME AH? What do I have that makes you even want to be with me? Is there no other woman in this world for you to choose rather than me? Are you desperate that is why you choose me? I am weird and so introverted and clumsy why do you even consider me? HAHAHAHA PLEASE TELL ME I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE :P

My dream of achieving the body I want (lean yet sexy) is now going further as I currently sprained my leg and am not supposed to go to gym for at least two weeks. SO MANY THINGS CAN BE DONE IN 2 WEEKS. Just as I lost a handsome amoung of 4kgs in a month plus and added in muscles in my body, WHY LA MY ANKLE HAS TO SPRAIN. Never mind tomorrow I go do upper body workout okay. Because I am not drop dead gorgeous I want to at least work to get a drop dead gorgeous body so yeah there goes I am being insecure again.

Please tell me I am sharing this on behalf of half of the female population in this world.

And I do not regret starting career late at the age of 25 when my peers started theirs at 23 or even 22. I have been to most places (metaphorically ah) they have not been to. I will have less "what ifs" and will be less clueless. Being someone indecisive, I truly need to taste many things before deciding one. Which is why I am better off being with a boyfriend who is dominant and takes charge so that I do not have to decide on little silly things like where to eat and what to do on a date. Let him handle. Let him decide for me. I will have more time and energy to focus on more important things like what to do next in my career. Really, I cannot focus on too many things at one go. Unlike most women, I am bad at multitasking.

I guess that is it for now. I am liking the view outside the window of the coffee shop I am now *random*. 

Shortest Post So Far

Bad things that happen around us are meant to make us stronger, and that includes not losing our own virtuous selves. Being cynical, doubtful and negative just cost us lack of sleep only.

So be strong my dear self. And to those who need it. Never lose our own selves. Changes are meant to make us stronger and be a better person.

Yes I Quit Teach For Malaysia and Am Currently Jobless

I made one of the biggest decision in my life so far last Monday, which was to quit Teach For Malaysia. Several months back, I raved on how passionate and how much I wanted to do something meaningful and worthwhile to give back to the society, and the post showed it all. And I just resigned from Teach For Malaysia a few days ago! Surprise! I know, there will be a few thoughts about this matter:

1) She ranted about how passionate she was and now she ended up quitting. Typical hypocrite.

2) She was just like everyone else. Unable to go through minor obstacles. How to succeed?

3) I knew it she is not fit to be a teacher from the very beginning. Time wasted liao lor.

4) So indecisive.

Bah if there is one thing I truly learn to practice, it would be NOT TO JUDGE ANYONE WHEN THEY DID SOMETHING SEEMINGLY UNSAVOURY. And a golden advice from my dear friend: DO NOT GIVE ANY FUCKS. Yes I chose my own happiness over other people's judgement, thus I quit.

But one thing I dislike is that I had to disclose certain matters which I was not comfortable sharing, then ended up with people surrounding me with, "Are you okay? How are you feeling now? I hope you are fine." thing. No I hate people sympathizing me. No please don't ask me to stay strong and to be okay! Yes wish me luck in my future career and tell me we will meet again, but please, don't touch my personal matter and ask if I am okay or not. Please if you are able to read the weather please don't ask me, as kind-hearted as you are. I appreciate it but it makes me uncomfortable at the same time. Just wish me luck okay?

Anyway, back to me resigning from Teach For Malaysia. Sorry to say that my heart is no longer there, no longer wanting to serve the government, no longer wanting to be entangled in the fucked-up education politics, and my heart wants to earn money more. And, my heart wants to do a job which requires me to think super critically, solve problems and deal with objects. My heart does not want to mess with the students' lives, because I am currently unfit to influence/inspire/motivate any kid. Because my heart can no longer inspire the kids like how I inspired the kids during ROS, the following 2 years of fellowship will be extremely long for me.

My heart wants to go back to learning something new and technical and hands-on. My heart wants me to take up a manly job into the field as an engineer, earning respect and leadership from the crew and at the same time money. My heart wants to learn more about engineering field while I am still at the peak age of building my career. Most of all, my heart wants to be a successful female engineer. As much as I love English, there are some things which I cannot turn back, like taking up psychologist or creative writing anymore. I have lived my life as an engineering student and currently I want to be an engineer. I guess I am thankful to Teach For Malaysia to open my eyes finally and to see what do I want to see myself as 10 years down the road. Because I cannot see myself as a teacher at all.

Education inequity is evident, and I would like to play a part in eradicating it. But not by being a teacher, performing in front of students. I am not a performer. I prefer to be the behind-the-scenes person. I do not like to shine, but I like to rack my brains overnight and help other people shine. Probably one day I can organize an NGO in Sarawak for the super rural students and help them (with the help of the future TFM alumni muahahahhaa), but not now. I just want to be selfish for now while I still can.

I quit despite risking not being able to find a job for months. I quit despite knowing that it is difficult to find another job outside. I quit risking losing an income. Why? 

Because life is short. Because in a blink of an eye, a few seconds has passed. Time is irreversible and I do not want to waste time doing something I am not happy doing. I want to earn money and be successful in my career, as an oil and gas engineer. I want to use the money to help my family and travel around the world while playing violin and learning Muay Thai. I want to give my family a better life. I want to, at least once, maybe not next year and next next year, but someday, just once, to complete a full marathon. I want to buy any clothes of any brand without having to look at price tag first. I want to look out of my apartment window and see high-rise buildings, feeling energetic to rack my brains and being labelled as a workaholic. I was already labelled as a workaholic even during my PSP in TFM. My face has "workaholic" written all over me. But workaholic in other aspects.

I have changed. One thing for sure. No longer innocent, more cynical, more doubtful, but deep down wishing and hoping that I can be innocent and gullible and green and believe in everything good for all I want without doubting, doubting and doubting. It is tiring to be realistic. I want to believe that there is good in everyone, and they can feel warmth, kindness and love. That people can be nice to anyone without hoping for anything in return.

Hey, I am jobless right now. And I want a job. I do not quit to sit at home doing nothing. I will go crazy if I do.

I am still unsure of my future to be honest, despite knowing very well what I want. I guess leave everything to God for now...

Which is Right? Which is Not? I Just Do Not Know Anymore

Today marks my last day of teaching at Chung Hua Middle School No.1, a Chinese medium high school. I somehow managed to survive despite not knowing how to speak standard Mandarin; I sometimes tend to get blur whenever the students spoke too fast.

Anyway, today is also one of the most depressing days ever. I invigilated Senior 1E, an Arts Stream class. I invigilated two papers, which were Sejarah and Bookkeeping respectively. Earlier this morning, I was informed by the teacher-in-charge that there are CCTVs installed in each classroom. Shocking, yes. I later entered each class and noticed that indeed, there are CCTVs behind each classroom. Talking about horror.

I reminded the students of that particular class about the CCTV and asked them to behave and not to cheat. It was a horrible experience, because students there were so playful and they fooled around throughout the examination period. They took the paper, wrote their name and started talking towards one another. Despite my several attempts to shut them up, they ignored me. I had to raise my voice and threatened them to give their names to the principal if they did it again.

And the drama began. The discipline teacher went into my classroom and called out a few students, saying (in Mandarin), "You, you, you and you all. *pointing to a few students* I saw you all cheating." Then she took out their "cheating devices" hidden at weird corners. She then added, "I saw what you did on CCTV. Don't try to deny. You will automatically fail, and I will make sure you get disciplinary action."

I was scared, of course. I had the names of the students who fooled around. The teachers asked me to give the names of the students who fooled around and did not do the papers. I was in a dilemma. Some of the students were good boys. They were not bad; they were just naughty. Sigh.

After class, I went to find the disciplinary teacher regarding this matter. Indeed, these disciplinary people saw everything via CCTV, and they paid special attention to my class because I am a temporary teacher and they think it is difficult for me to control a notorious class. Hence, she said that the students will be expelled.

"No chance shall be given to them?" I asked.

"No. They should know the consequences if they fooled around or cheated during examination. They deserved it. No chances should be given to them," said the teacher-in-charge.

My heart sank. I always believe in seeing someone in good light. Those students I mentioned were good-natured students (the boys). The girls were rude and disrespectful so they kind of deserved it. But the boys, no, they were actually respectful towards teachers and knew what was right or wrong. Just that they wanted to play ALL THE TIME. Just that they were naughty. And because of this incident, they will be expelled. What would their parents think? What would they feel regarding this matter?

I know in life, actions are divided into forgiving and punishing. To give chance means to encourage others to forgive. To punish means to teach them a lesson. I cannot say that one is better than another. But I always try to stay to the former one, to give chance because everyone has a good side and no one must simply give up on them just because they have made mistakes. But again, when people keep doing things despite being warned several times and knowing the consequences, perhaps they need to get a taste of their own medicine.

I will face many of these in the future. I know, my attitude will always cause people to step above my head. But I still have a long journey to go, and I still have so many things to learn. Perhaps time will tell whether each decision is right for each situation and what not. I can only think this way.

p/s: I know my students will read this. I feel a bit weird knowing my students stalking all over me. Should I be happy instead?

Malaysia 916

I am born in Kuching, Sarawak. Sarawak is one of the states in Malaysia. However, somehow most of the Sarawakians do not feel connected to the Peninsular Malaysians. It is as if Sarawak and the Peninsular Malaysia are two totally different worlds. Before we get into thia argument, let's not forget that in Peninsular Malaysia itself we have Kelantan, the only state which has totally different cultures and lifestyle compared to the rest. So we cannot really say that everyone in Peninsular is the same.

What I like the most about Kuching ia that in every coffee shop, or what we call kopitiam, there is at least a Malay stall and an Indian stall. You can see the local Sarawakians, Malays and Chinese eating together under one roof. It happens almost on a daily basis. I do not know much about the Peninsular since I only went to KL like twice.

Why can't Malaysia in general, while retaining their cultures, stop dividing among one another? Why bother separating West and East? Is it because of the immigration issue whenever a Peninsular Malaysian enters Sarawak and Sabah? Is it because the people in Peninsular often got informed that people in Sarawak and Sabah still lives on trees? I, truthfully as a Sarawakian am insulted whenever any Peninsular Malaysian made such remarks. Politically wise, most of the resources in Sarawak and Sabah were given to the Federal. Then again, not every state in Peninsular gets to enjoy the benefits. Let us not forget that apart from KL, JB and Penang, the rest of the states are not as developed, and some even told me that Kuching is more developed than their state capitals.

What I am trying to say here is that we as Malaysians should stop the "unfair" and "divided" mentality. These are what cause racism. We must remember despite our origins and our roots, we are born in this country, which is our home. Therefore, we are Malaysians, regardless of being Malay, Chinese, Iban, Indian, Bidayuh or Kadazan. I dislike ticking any form which requires our race details. What about those from mixed heritage? They are forced to choose only one race because of this "divided" mentality by the government itself. It is so tiring to explain that you are a Malay but you are mixed with Chinese blood. Or you are Chinese but your mother is an Iban. Or you are an Indian who has some Chinese in your bloodline somewhere. Why can't you just say you are of mixed heritage and yet you are Malaysian? I find it much easier lo. I mean, I am a pure Chinese so I never get to suffer this problem but I have quite a number of friends of mixed heritage, and I often saw them introducing themselves as mentioned above.

I am joining Teach for Malaysia, and the schools that I am going to teach in Sarawak consist of students who are local. A Chinese with no knowledge of Bahasa Sarawak is going to teach the students who know very little English. But what makes me teach them even though we come from different background and are of different races? I got rid of the "divided" mentality. We are all human, regardless of race. I remembered a Hong Kong movie scene of an Indian who had a crush on a Hong Kongite female and he was accused as a rapist. He then proceeded to cut his own arm and showed them the colour of the blood he bled. He was saying (in Cantonese la), "We all shed the same blood, which is red. Why do you discriminate me just becsuse of my skin? I am not an alien!" That statement somehow made me vow not to be racist, because we are all the same. Different skin colour but all have the same blood colour.

To create a better Malaysia, one very important rule is not to be racist and divided. It has always been an issue since forever, and even Sarawak and Sabah holds a petition of pulling out from Malaysia. To be honest, it is not the nation that is at fault, but rather, the improper governing. We need a better government for a better nation, and for that we need to stay united. But first of all, please ditch the "divided" mentality, which is the mother of racism.

I hope one day I do not need to fly to Peninsular Malaysia with a passport as a foreigner. And of course I hope Sarawak will be more developed and a better treatment can be given to both Sarawak and Sabah. Teach for Malaysia entering Sarawak to eradicate education inequality is already a very big step to me.

I know I bore the readers with my rant. Hence, I shall put a couple of my selfie pictures. These pictures are me wishing all Malaysian readers Happy Malaysia Day! Wish for a better nation! It has so much potential there, with so many bright minds and plentiful resources.

Story of a Socially Awkward Introvert

I had been to a few classrooms as a "teacher" and I saw different groups of friends and "outliers". The term "outlier" means the odd one out. The odd one out would mean those who belong to the neither of the group and is usually seen alone.

There are two possible types of the "outliers", which are the introverts and the socially awkward. How to differentiate those two?

Introvert - A reserved person by nature. Prefers to be alone even when being placed in crowds.
Socially awkward - A person who does not know how to mingle. May be an extrovert, but a failed one (that's harsh). Okay, in layman's terms, shy.

This is my page so I will somehow direct it back to me, myself and I. I belong to both. I am both an introvert and socially awkward at the same time. This has been happening since childhood. If given a chance, I would prefer daydreaming alone, drawing perverted comics, reading books or listening to music for hours. At first, during my younger days, I liked to tag along with my brother and played whatever he liked to play. I always went straight home after school and spent most of my days watching TV and playing with my toys alone. Well, the age gap between my brother and I are 5 years, so at that time, the age gap was rather big.

As I grew slightly older and entering my early teens, I began facing peer pressure. I moved to an all-girls' primary school. At first I liked to borrow books from the library and spent hours reading. But I watched some American teenage movies and read some American teenage books about popular girls in high school and how they were considered "successful" while those quiet, introverted and shy ones were considered as a "failure". Hence, I tried to get out from the comfort zone and TRIED to be more extroverted. I guess for my peers, I had my fair share of awkward moments due to my socially awkward nature.

I was lost throughout my teenage years trying to be someone whom I thought was right to be. Someone outgoing, extroverted and lively. I tried participating in clubs, hoping to be someone sociable and get rid of my reserved nature. I accepted social gathering invitations and tried my best to attend every single one, but those gatherings usually ended up leaving me lost in the sea of the crowd, and wishing I can get away from it. I was usually seen hanging out with a group of which I am comfortable with, but even then, I would somehow withdraw myself during the middle of the conversation because I was so tired of catching up. I just wanted to get out of the place and sleep.

Along the years, I got rid of my socially awkward nature, and was able to blend in with the crowd for the sake of socializing. But there were times (I think many of the times) I chose not to blend in at all. I chose to keep quiet and observe their conversation. It is not easy to break my ice, unless I choose to let you break it. I am still that awkward, but my awkwardness is due to the obligatory to keep up with the conversation with people I barely knew, just for the sake of socializing. I just thought it was the right thing to do in the society. Hence, no matter how tiring it was, I just muster my energy and try not to break the conversation.

Being a socially awkward introvert, I have a number of friends whom I am comfortable to talk to though. But even so, I have my own "I-just-want-to-stop-talking-to-you-even-though-I-like-you-my-dear-friend-please-leave-me-alone"moment. So for those who wondered if there was a moment of silence between those conversations, you all know why.

I like to catch up with people whenever I go to different places. That is because I do not always get to see them and I can talk more. Meaning there will be less chance of "silence". And the meeting usually happens only once. But truthfully, I prefer solo backpacking, if not because of my parents' concerns regarding my safety. Sien.

I have only a handful of those whom I am comfortable of sharing everything with, apart from writing. But I also have my own fear that they may get tired of my never-ending rants. I can never shut up once I see them. But it is okay, because they love to hear me talk and will think something goes wrong when I keep quiet. LOL! Funny thing is, I love sharing. Hence the never-ending sharings on social medias and blogs. However, I do not feel comfortable just sharing things to another person, or a group just like that. How meh?

A socially awkward introvert individual like me has joined TFM as a fellow and will be teaching a classroom full of students next year. I will have to face teachers, students, parents and even the management daily. I see it as a challenge to overcome my socially awkward nature, but being a naturally-born introvert, I foresee myself being tired daily. Maybe I will seclude myself in a room and sleep whole day long. My housemates knew that because I am always seen in the room.

But I will face a problem as a teacher next year. How to differentiate introverts and socially awkward students? Easier said than done. Balancing the extroverts, introverts and socially awkward are difficult. Here, I listed out one of the possible challenges during the fellowship already.

Done sharing. Via a computer, not a human being, which makes things whole lot easier. LOL!

Teenage First Crush Confession

It's embarrassing for me to actually type this, but here goes. Other than excessive boredom, I would also like to exercise my writing skills and learn how to express myself better. I suck because I just can't express myself well. What's past is the past, and what matters now is the present.

Rewind to several years back, I had a taste of my first crush. I was 15 back then, and for someone who do not normally go to tuition and co-curricular activities, my social circle revolves around my classmates, who are all girls. Hence, when I was enrolled into a BM tuition class, I get to know a few boys from other schools. I met my ex-tuitionmate who was the typical kind of guy I like: Tall, good-looking (for me lah), gentlemen and seems nice. At that time, I only had my first taste of Friendster and I actually just got to know some boys via social media rather than by face. Hence, by knowing him in person, and he seems so good, it is natural for girls who reached puberty like me to have a crush on him.

Well, crush being a crush, it was obviously unrequited. I was extremely awkward in socializing back then, so I had difficulty expressing myself. I had some confidence issues as well, because during Form 1 and 2, I was quite thin back then but I started gaining massive weight in Form 3. Maybe I was not pretty enough for him, or so I thought. Besides, I heard stories of him not coming out of the closet further infuriated my inner feminine ego. Unable to express my disappointment due to unrequited crush and such rumours circulating around, I began taking part in accusing him of being "pondan", "sida" and "gay". And one of the most embarrassing things I ever did was to chase after his car in my delicate baju kurung school uniform and apologized to him. Of course, I hoped that he would somehow see some "uniqueness" in me, just like those Taiwanese idol dramas (obviously I watched too much dramas back then) and started to like me.

He never did.

I remembered I cried when he sent me a LOOOONNNNGGGGG message of him expressing his disappointment of me spreading things about him, when I was just spreading things that were already been spread. Me being me, I then continued having this on-off crush on him until the end of Form 5. That was when I found out about my hardcore loyalty towards a guy, thus making a conclusion that any guy who ended up with me is an extremely lucky man because I can be THAT loyal. Coincidentally, we were at the same tuition class again in Form 5. I remembered being shy and awkward enough to embarrass myself in one situation. Here goes:

One day, my ex-crush was having a flu, and he wanted to ask for tissue. He asked from one of my friends, but she did not have it. She asked from another friend of mine, and of course they needed to pass the tissue to him.

I remembered him calling me, but because I was clouded with this "crush" thing, so I thought I was hallucinating. Until my friends in front told me that he was calling me. No big deal la though, it was just to pass some stuff. Till now, my friends often made fun of me thinking that I was hallucinating when he called me. Yes, I was that much of a socially awkward freak.

Well, of course, after that, I had my fair share of unrequited crushes and at the same time causing another fair share of men to have their crushes (on me) unrequited. But then again, I could not help laughing at myself whenever I thought back of this funny incident. I used to think that it was embarrassing, but now I think it is pretty damn funny.

I am still socially awkward today, just so you all know. That is why I prefer writing down my feelings rather than expressing by mouth or action. #malu

Exodus

Last night, I had a Google Hangout Session with the TFM people and I found that in Sarawak, I will be posted somewhere 2 hours drive away from Kuching. Well, that means no boat ride to school for me, but these places will still be rural areas. I requested for rural areas from TFM because I would like to get out from the comfort zone. However, I felt a tinge of sadness inside my heart. My life for a quarter century has always been like this:

Kuching (where I grew up until pre-university days) -> Miri (university days) -> somewhere ulu in Sarawak at Kuching/Samarahan region (first 2 years of work)

So tentatively, I spent a quarter century in Sarawak throughout my life. So much for adventure huh? I already tasted my first bitter disappointment when I was enrolled in Form 6 despite my competitive SPM results. I ended up spending my pre-university days opposite my high school for two good years. I lost motivation in studies, because I thought that I would end up studying at local university anyway. There goes my adventurous life abroad.

I was relieved that I will be enrolled in a private university instead of a public university, because that would means less restriction and more exposure towards diversity. Bad news is that my university is only an hour flight away, in the same state. I spent my four good years in Miri, Sarawak, of which the culture and lifestyle is very much like Kuching. It was as if I never moved out at all. However, I was glad that I lived on my own and learned to be independent, and proved that I was capable of being independent. University life is where I searched for my own true self, and I am glad I am on my way to searching who I really am and where do I belong.

Hence, I entered TFM for a further self-search, because I would want to be part of the "contributing to the mankind" thing. I wanted to get out of yet another comfort zone, and at first, I wanted to be placed in the West Malaysia. But it was found that the education in Sarawak was one of the worst in Malaysia, and I thought that I might as well work in Sarawak, and work at Kapit division places. The more ulu places I go, the further I can fly. That was what I thought. It turns out that I will still end up in Kuching, and while most people are happy for me, deep down inside I was expecting yet another adventure outside home. I would still end up nearby home at the end of the day, and I will feel restricted.

I have always want to stay for a few years at a place where the culture and the people are different from here, so that I can experience something different before coming back home and appreciate. Living at a foreign country for a few years is different from travelling you see. You only travel to live at tourist spots, not living like a local. Damn I should have applied for student exchange back then >< but who knows right, another adventure is awaiting me. The only way to console myself is that adventures happens everywhere, not necessarily abroad but it can happen within my hometown as well. Lol.

Teaching not Just for Malaysia, but for Myself

I am sure most people know that I have been selected for Teach for Malaysia and will be the first batch to be sent to Sarawak. And I am sure people around have been speculating whether I will be sent to Kapit or not ever since my outburst to Facebook. Lol. Well, the TFM lady called me and mentioned that the ROS (Rancangan Orientasi Sekolah, also known as School Orientation Program) will either be held in Kuching or Kapit, and high likely it will be in Kapit. Lol.

Before I continue ranting about my possible placement to Kapit and how can I survive rural life, first of all I would like to answer a few questions that have been pointed out on me.

1) Study so hard as engineer, why in the end become teacher? 
Firstly, let's put it this way. I am not a teacher. In fact, I have never considered teacher as my lifetime profession and it will not be. That I am absolutely sure. I see myself more as an education engineer - to change lives of students. How on earth do I change the students' lives, when all I do is to teach? This is when I have to be creative and open-minded to bring the students to improve their studies and at the same time be a better person. Teachers only teach students; I improve the students' lives. The difference between me and a typical engineer is that they deal with machines and softwares while I deal with living things with brains - students.

2) There are so many ways of leaving an impact, but why choose TFM? 
Yes, there are. In fact, the TFM interviewer mentioned that I could have continued being an engineer and at the same time getting involved in voluntary works. But if you are truly dedicated to leave an impact on the students' lives, part-time voluntary work is not enough. This requires full time and commitment, of which TFM could give me. Two full years of commitment, time and energy is what I can offer for the students. As a normal human being, I will always prioritize. Hence, if I were to become an engineer, I would be bound to the commitments (family, debts, loan) so much that I will not give up my source of income to do voluntary work. I will work just for the sake of fulfilling my commitments and earning money. Gone is the purpose of living life with meaning. As the saying goes, once you start it, continue doing it until the end. Thus, TFM.

3) Aren't you worried of starting over after 2 years of commitment to TFM? You will be competing with the fresh graduates within your field, and you will be 27 by then! 
Of course I have thought of that. I may even be worried that I cannot catch up in my own engineering field and will be discarded. But then again, we live in the present, not the future. The future is so uncertain that it can only be carved by our present doings. Hence, live in the present and do things which make me happy, and for sure will not regret for life. My idealistic nature can be a pain in the ass sometimes for those hardcore realists.

4) What if you got posted into rural areas? 
If I were to join TFM only to request to teach nearby my home, then that defeats the purpose of TFM at the very first place. Sure, there are problematic urban schools, but the most prominent schools with very low proficiency are mostly from rural schools, with very little exposure to the world. I know it may be as bad as not having internet, having to travel by boat and even having transport inconvenience to obtain daily needs. Think of it this way. I am getting out of my comfort zone to push myself beyond my limits. I have been living fairly comfortably for so many years now (not exactly comfortable, but more comfortable than a major fraction of Sarawakians). It is time for me to share my comfort with them and at the same time having them to share their life with me. Who knows, they end up teaching me more. Things may go the other way round and I end up as an even better individual than I am now. Besides, I can at least tell my future children that I used to ride a boat to school everyday to teach.

5) Won't your parents object?
At first, they definitely objected my decision when I told them I would be flying back to Kuching to attend the final interview for TFM. Study so hard, RM4k engineer salary don't want, but go become teacher instead with salary of RM2.5k. I understand that they need my help financially at some point of life. I seem selfish to work as a teacher at rural areas instead of becoming an engineer and earn more money to help my family. But at the end of the day, it is my happiness that matters to them, and they will definitely support me at the end of the day. My dad even told me how is Kapit, and my mom accompanied me for baju kurung shopping. Their concern though, is my placement as they prefer me to be placed nearby home instead, while I prefer to go deep inside Sarawak.

I guess that is all for the questions and I have answered every single one of them.

Resume ranting.

I heard from people saying that I have to travel by boat to Kapit from Sibu because it is located across the river. Horror. Imagine moving around the boat daily to and fro. I think it will be very tiring for me. Besides, there is no line at Kapit, so communication will be difficult. Sucks for those experiencing LDR. But if people broke up because one of them is placed at Kapit and they do not communicate everyday, then the relationship is not worth it at all. As for me, I can imagine myself travelling to school by boat, teaching the local students at great difficulty due to communication and their lack of interest in studying, and then frustrated and get tired at the end of the day. I also can imagine myself staying up late just to plan the lessons for the students.

But I know deep down inside that at the end of the day, everything will be paid off. If this is a calling for me, I will answer it by taking part in TFM. Teach the students who need me. Share with them the meaning of education and life. And what matters the most is, it makes me happy. Period.